2006

2005 is over...what a year it's been. I'd like to take a second to reflect on a few of the things that have occured in good old 2005 - drumroll please...
I became a member of the Branch (a place that has changed my life)
I received prayer for hearling from the elders of the church, what a humbling experience.
I attended my first youth bible camp, and oddly enough received my own deliverance there (I believe the result of the previous prayer along with many others I may never know a/b). I went fishing (still have yet to catch a fish), and went camping (first run in with a possum)for the first time. I truly experienced the Holy Spirit, and received my first vision from the Lord. I received my first prophetic dreams. I moved into my very own apartment...living alone for the first time in my life and bringing and end to 7 years of living with my best friend (love you sweet and precious sister!). I watched my best friend get married. I watched her husband turn into a true man of God whom I carry the greatest respect and admiration for, his journey has been great and is nothing less than a testimony to Gods greatness. I turned 25, changed my college major (again) to religion and for the first time feel as though I'm studying something worth studying. I started dating someone who I truly view as a gift from God and for the first time I feel as though I'm entering a year that I can totally dedicate to the Lord, in a way that I never have before. I praise God for the obvious ways he has worked in my life over the course of the past year. It has been amazing and this little paragraph cannot even begin to explain the changes that have taken place w/in me or the freedom I have received this year. The blessings have been thick, the trials have been great, and when all is said and done it is all for His glory - praise the Father.

2006 - a year I pray will be full of revelation and manifestation. A year I expect to be rich in blessings and favor. A year of growth and of soaking, a year of intimacy with God and a year of devotion. I want to be like Peter, who was so overjoyed and filled with so much zeal for Christ that he jumped out of the boat after Him, (John 21:7 As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, "It is the Lord," he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water) eagerly wanting to be with Him, chasing after Him, wanting nothing more than to be near Him...

This past weekend I was shown Proverbs 31 - and this has become another prayer that I have in the coming year. It is a prayer that I hold for all women in my life...that we would know the true meaning of serving Christ and that we would know and understand all of that is entailed in being a woman of God...granted I'm not married nor do I plan on being married soon, it is still something that I desire to be, for God and for the man that the Lord has planned for me to marry.

Proverbs 31: 10
10 [c] A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.

11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.

12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.

14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.

15 She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.

16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.

18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.

19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.

21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:

29 "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

31 Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate


This is my prayer for 2006 and for my life Lord. Make me this woman, show me how to become her. I will face the fire of your refinery if it will ultimately mold and shape me into this perfect illustration of a woman living a life for You. A woman of noble character please create in me. A woman who lacks nothing of value, who brings good to her (future) husband and who can be relied on. Create a woman of diligence and of virtue, a woman who works steadily and with passion, a woman who is strong and yet who does not lose the tenderness that You have created in her. A woman who is selfless, giving, who rises before the sun and lays her head down after everyone else, but who finds satisfaction in knowing that she is fulfilling your work. A woman who is clothed in blessing and honor and who has no fear b/c she is wrapped in the knowledge of your glory, knowing that God almighty will honor her and her family for her dilegent service to His will and kingdom. A woman clothed in strength and dignity, and a woman who can laugh at the days to come because she rests in your promises of tomorrow. Make me a woman who is called blessed by her children and who is praised by her husband, but who is still so humble that she can't recognize the need for either. Create in me a woman who will not be ugly when the youth of today fades...create a woman who will become beautiful with time, who will grow in your glory and who will only radiate from within. I desire to be a woman who's ONLY source of beauty is You. Lord - I seek your revelation on the things in me that need to be changed - I earnestly seek for you to refine me in the ways in which I have requested, I desire to be this woman - I seek to be more like her, more like You Lord. I desire more of You, and I desire to be a humble and true servant for You. Make me beautiful Lord, in your eyes.

Kingdom life...

I've been thinking a lot lately a/b healing and about praying for it and experiencing it and seeing it. With my pursuit of the Spirit and all the comes with that, naturally healing is something to be addressed. I'm reading When Heaven Invades Earth right now and I read something the other day that really hit me...
To preface...I am one that believes that the Lord is in complete control of all - if bad things happen, they happen not necessarily b/c the Lord made it happen but at the very least He allowed it to happen. My take on healing has always been a little on the fence b/c I've thought 'well, what if the Lord doesn't want them to be healed? What if He's doing something that we just don't understand right now"? I've also been plagued with what I now recognize as doubtful thoughts like, "I know God can do it, but will He"? The book I'm reading makes that exact statement and then proceeds to say...satan knows God can do it too - and to say such a thing is at best hope - true faith is not just knowing that He can, but that He will do it...

Yikes - conviction to the core. The bible says that the apostles prayed with expectancy...they didn't just ask with the flippant hope that God would respond, they prayed knowing that He would - obviously that makes a huge difference! I've always prayed the - if it's Your will Lord, please... But why not, Lord - I'm praying for...and I'm expecting you to respond, I thank you for your answer to this prayer and I'm standing firmly on your word and on my authority in Your holy, holy name that You will provide?! The book also says that it's better not to examine your faith, but to respond quickly and then realize that your obedience was actually a product of your faith. Thinking and overthinking what is possibly and likely a word or command from the Lord will most often result in disobedience due to our own self doubt and unbelief. If we were to obey immediately and then watch as He works, we could then look back and see that, yes, our quick reaction was actually a product of our faith in God. With every act of obedience we are strengthened in our faith and will be more likely to respond to His next word.

On a randomly off topic rant...I'm sitting here writing this and all I can think is 'just love Him' - it's that simple, just love Him. Why does it have to be so complicated and political? Just love Him...in our current state, with our current imperfections, with our sin, with our never ending short comings - with a pure and honest heart, love Him and He will undoubtedly love us back. If it is possible in this world of flesh to find people and ultimately to find one person (a husband or wife) to love us for who we are including all of our imperfections and all of that deep dark stuff that nobody else really knows a/b - how could we for one second think that God's love for us is any less? It is so much more!! God does not need us, He wants us - think a/b that...not one of us is needed in this world - the world would not stop w/o us, it would not cease to function if we weren't here....but the Lord wanted us, and so here we are, in this place and in this time b/c He decided in all of His glory that He wanted us to be here. Take comfort in that idea of divine planning behind each of our lives and in the idea that we are here out of want and desire and not out of need...

I hope that someone out there needed that, I know it's good for me to hear and think a/b often, but it was just heavy on me to put into writing, so I'm trusting that it was for someone specific, and maybe for myself in more ways than I am willing to realize at times.

Praise the Lord, for another glorious day made by Him for His children...He is so good and so faithful. As cliche and redundant as it can sound at times, I will never grow tired of praising His good works and His blessings...recognizing my unworthiness and all that I lack, I could never stop praising Him for sacrificing Himself so that I might be with Him forever and so that I might experience the comfort of His spirit.

Yesterday was my birthday...and it was a pretty darn good day :) It was warm, it was sunny and it was peaceful. Spent with a couple of best friends - one really great guy and a few Japanese artitsts (okay, they were really chef's, but it was so good it could have been art). We went to Kobe's Steak Hibachi grill - and I give it two big fat thumbs up - a little pricey, but you will definitely get your money's worth.

Anyway, I've never been a huge birthday person. I don't get terribly excited or elated a/b it...probably b/c it's 2 days before Christmas and I spent my childhood getting two in one presents and celebrating my birthday on the 24th b/c it was easier for the family...regardless today, as I was driving around I starting thinking a/b the arrogance involved in celebrating our birthdays. One day a year we all sit around asking or waiting for people to celebrate something that we had absolutely nothing to do with...seems like it should be more of a God celebration if you ask me. I mean, who was it that knit me together in my mothers womb? Fearfully and wonderfully made? Who was it that knew me by name before my very existance and who likely waited in eager anticipation for the day that he could finally create me? Who was it that rejoiced in heaven the day that I was finally birthed, just as He had planned? Yes, it was my Father and that is who should get all of the glory and celebration on the day we're celebrating the birth of His very own creation.

That said, I am still grateful for the time invested in me by those that I love dearly to celerate the day the good Lord decided to bring me into the world. It was a great birthday and sitting here thinking about it, I am utterly overjoyed at the richness of the many blessings in my life...thanks to Julie, Ryan and Brett for making it especially special :) You are all 3 amazing in your own ways and you are all so very near and dear to my heart.

Merry Christmas to everyone! I pray that you all have a safe and happy Christmas! God bless you and your families!

Humility vs. Pride

As defined in Webster's Dictionary:
Humble:
Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful.
Showing deferential or submissive respect: a humble apology.
Low in rank, quality, or station; unpretentious or lowly: a humble cottage.
TRANSITIVE VERB:
hum·bled , hum·bling , hum·bles
To curtail or destroy the pride of; humiliate.
To cause to be meek or modest in spirit.
To give a lower condition or station to; abase. See Synonyms at degrade

Pride:
NOUN:

A sense of one's own proper dignity or value; self-respect.
Pleasure or satisfaction taken in an achievement, possession, or association: parental pride.
Arrogant or disdainful conduct or treatment; haughtiness.

A cause or source of pleasure or satisfaction; the best of a group or class: These soldiers were their country's pride.
The most successful or thriving condition; prime: the pride of youth.
An excessively high opinion of oneself; conceit.
A flamboyant or impressive group: a pride of acrobats.

TRANSITIVE VERB:
prid·ed , prid·ing , prides
To indulge (oneself) in a feeling of pleasure or satisfaction: I pride myself on this beautiful garden.

The last definition - I can't help but wonder...how could we possibly pride ourselves in anything? You pride yourself on this beautiful garden, but did you really grow it? I pride myself in the work I do, but who gave me the opportunity and the skills to perform that job? We pride ourselves in our clothes, but who clothes us? We pride ourselves in our children, but who gave them to us and who created them?! Pride seems to me to be nothing more than the claiming ownership of something that was never ours to begin with. Such dangerous ground.

Lack of humility in our lives will always lead us down a path of sorrow. It hinders confession, spurs dishonesty and fear...

"It was through pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind." C.S. Lewis

Wow...anti-God state of mind. God knows what it means to be humbled. He humbled Himsef when the almighty Creator of our entire world and being brought Himself to dwell with us and among us. When he brought Himself to be persecuted and humiliated (see the definition of humble) by us, those that He created. Imagine creating an ant farm (keep in mind that we don't even have the ability to create the actual ants as God did) and then deciding that you needed to go and be with them b/c they were so unable to do it themselves - to live among them, teach them - to go from this mind and this body...to being an ant? Who would actually do that? Well friends, God did...and He only desires that we humble ourselves in return. That in every action we would recognize our place in the grand scheme of things - "A truly humble man is sensible of his natural distance from God; of his dependency on Him; of the insufficiency of his own power and wisdom" -Johnathan Edwards.

In most cases, throughout the bible and in my own experience, humility starts with recognition and confession. I've wondered lately why confession is so important to the humbled spirit and I realized that confession creates vulnerability and intimacy. Think a/b the last friend that confessed something to you...you were probably so touched by their willingness to share that you felt the ability to share with them...intimacy. We confess to God and it creates intimacy. We are trusting Him, sharing with Him, making ourselves vulnerable before Him. There is nothing that God desires more than for us to trust him with our exposed and vulnerable hearts.

So in all of this, what is the importance of a humble heart? without humility it is impossible to recognize our true need for God. It is impossible to have pride in our own capabilities and trust in the Lords. It is only 'in' the Lord that we could ever boast...I once read somewhere that if you do not think you have a problem with pride, you are probably the most prideful of all. Humility is something that we can always strive for more of. More humility, more intimacy, more of God. My prayer is that I am humbled daily, reminded daily of who I am and who I would be w/o Christ to cover me.

Getting personal...

It doesn't seem like I give much random personal info on this blog and I thought maybe it was time to let you all in on some of the seamingly meaningless stuff that goes on inside this crazy little head of mine, nothing profound by any means - but hey - my train of thought in itself could be a little profound to some of you ;)

Okay, first let's start with shopping today. I was hit with this really random realization that we have entered into a time in fashion that I'm not sure anyone ever expected...it's almost as if the 70's and the 80's have collided...yes I know, a little disturbing. Who'd of thought you could pair a peasant shirt w/ an off the shoulder shrug and it would one day be 'in'?? I'll admit, I'm a fan of some, but other parts of this current trend are frighteningly similar to the bad 80's get-up's that we all love to make fun of. I'm down with the 60's and 70's coming back...let's just let the 80's go people - it was a fashion mistake - one that never needs to be revisited.

I realized today as I caught a glimpse of myself that my hair really does resemble a nest - lol - there are a few of you who will appreciate this acknowledgment.

I got caught in a fury of birds the other day sitting at a traffic light. For some reason when I lived up north and all the birds flew south for the bitter winters, I never realized that they all collected in one place. At first it was kinda neat, and then I began to get a little claustrophobic as they appeared to be descending right on my car (maybe in an attempt to get at the nest of hair sitting on top of my head). Seriously, it was just this mass of feathers and little bird bodies flying everywhere. I was half expecting them to start dive bombing my car. Luckily, they all just collected themselves neatly on the telephone wires and rooftops...then I started wondering what exactly they do while they're sitting there...I mean, what exactly are they looking at?

My obsession with mushrooms is getting a little out of control. I can honestly say that I have had mushrooms with every meal for at least the last 3 weeks. What is it a/b that little fungus that I love so much? I'm baffled myself...

I've decided that my true passion in life is to become a Christian singer. This goal is completely obtainable, if, I can always record in my car with the deafeningly loud music and the track playing in the background. It could quite possibly move some to tears, although maybe not for the reasons I would be hoping for.


I've been wondering lately when life got so serious.

I realized today how young a 16 year old really looks, and yet can remember how old and how invincible a 16 year old feels.

I've been thinking a lot about turning 25. 25? What in the world happened to 19-24 and have I really been out of high school for 7 years?!

With that...I've been thinking a/b how fast those 7 years have gone, and in turn how fast the next 7 will pass. What in the world am I going to do with the next 7 and the many more that follow? I've decided to list a few things that I desire to do before I die...some of them seemingly simple minded and some a little deeper...regardless, things that I would like to experience while I'm here and while I still can. So here it is...in no particular order...

1. Travel to Israel and walk the walk of Jesus.
2. Learn to play the guitar.
3. Create a work of art.
4. Learn pottery
5. Learn how to knit
6. Finish school (slowly but surely!)
7. Speak another language fluently
8. Travel to Europe
9. Catch a fish
10. See a whale
11. Go snorkeling/scuba diving
12. Learn to rock climb (and then climb a rock, preferably a big one)
13. Get married
14. Have children
15. Buy a home
16. Go to Africa
17. Go to Washington D.C.
18. Go to the Grand Canyon
19. Go skiing in Colorado
20. Learn how to ski ;)
21. Camp in the desert
22. Invent something
23. Live near the ocean or on a lake
24. Witness a visible and instant physical healing
25. Witness someone raise from the dead
26. Deliver a prophetic Word from God
27. Go on a missions trip overseas
28. Own a plant and not kill it
29. Plant a garden
30. Tell my father that I love him in person
31. See my sister again
32. Witness to my brother about the mercy, grace and love of Christ
33. See my family walk in the freedom of salvation
34. Work with girls recovering from eating disorders
35. Own a horse
36. Milk a cow
37. Fly first class
38. Go to Rome
39. Help build a church
40. Share my testimony in all of its glory to the world.

Okay, okay - I'll stop there - it's by no means finished and I'm sure I'll add to it as things come to mind....But it's a start.

So there you have it, my first post a/b nothing in particular and a/b nothing too terribly profound - no worries - there won't be many of these :)
Thanks for participating - go and have a blessed day!

House of Obedience...

And finally, my thoughts on the previous post...


The house of obedience...what a wonderful way to state it. We are the temples of the living God, we in essence 'house' the Holy Spirit. Why shouldn't it be a house of obedience? A house devoted to following and obeying the one that dwells w/in it? How can we honestly expect the spirit to dwell in a place that is content with disobeying and fighting it? Just as you and I wouldn't stay in a place we weren't comfortable or welcome, neither should the spirit of God and God finds His comfort in those who adhere and obey His word. It's interesting to me that so many of us desire the fruits that come from an intimate relationship with Christ, just w/o the grunt work that comes with getting there. Sure, give me the joy, give me the gifts, the blessings and the love - but I would be much more comfortable if we could do it my way. The secular saying 'nothing in life is free' bears some truth in that intimacy with God does not come w/o its cost.

It is also not something that come instantly. It is a process that can take much time and perseverance. As the prior post says - stone by stone, brick by brick the foundation of a true disciple and servant is laid. With every act of obedience and faith there is another layer of intimacy added. We are such a society of immediate gratification and unfortunately God just doesn't work that way. It takes time invested and proven trust to gain the kind of imtimacy we're all seeking. It is the understanding that every choice and decision made in a single day is made to either glorfiy God, or to not. It really is that black and white.

It is in the heart of a true servant that He desires to dwell and work. It is in the heart of a dispicple that he desires to reside and live in perfect harmony. He wants to make us clean...he wants to take the filth within us, the darkness and he wants to expose it and make it pure. He wants nothing more than to sit in our holy temples and work through us - He wants to be engrained in our every fiber to the extent we can no longer tell where we end and He begins...His desire for our lives is so great - if only we could see that for ourselves.

Live by obedience and service and you will live in His blessing and glory. Follow him with a wreckless and humble heart and live in his amazing power. He is so good to us, so full of grace and mercy - when we acknowledge this with our entire self, it is then that we will act and follow in ruined obedience for our King.

Chewing on Obedience...

I am going to post this excerpt I read Sunday night and I'll be back later to comment on it - I've been chewing and soaking on it for a couple of days and it's really speaking to me...hopefully it will do the same for you. Soak on it a little, it's pretty powerful stuff.

Be watchful to hear My Voice and instantly to obey. Obedience is your great sign of faith. "Why call ye Me Lord, Lord, and do not the things that I say" was My word when on earth to the many who followed and heard, but did not do.

I likened the man who obeyed Me implicitly to the man who built his house upon a rock. In times of storm he is steadfast, immovable.

Do not feel that by this I mean only the keeping of My Commandments, even the living My Sermon on the Mount. I mean more than that to those who know Me intimately, I mean the following in all, the Inner Guiding that I give, the little injunctions I speak to each individual soul, the wish I express-and desire to have carried out.

The secure, steadfast immovable life of My disciples, the Rock Home, is not built at a wish, in a moment, but is laid, stone by stone, foundations, walls, roof, by the acts of obedience, the daily following out of My wishes, the loving doing of my will.

"He that heareth these sayings of Mine and doeth them is like unto a man who built his house upon a rock, and the rain descended and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat upon that house and it fell not, for it was founded upon a Rock."

And it is in that Rock-Home, man-made but divinely inspired-the House of Obedience-the truest expression of a disciple's adoration and worship - it is there that I come to dwell with my loved one.

~God Calling

His presence...

Standing in a sanctuary where the presence of the Lord is so thick upon me that I feel like I'm choking...my spirit so full that I can't find the words nor the actions to express it - and so I cry - what an amazing, amazing experience - truly a gift from God.

The Shane & Shane concert was Sunday night at The Branch - it is something I have been looking forward to since my first encounter with them at Glen Rose this past summer. In ways that I cannot explain, they have a way of ushering the Spirit into a place that will bring a person to their knees. I cannot praise God enough for giving these men the gifts He has and for allowing them to serve Him in the way they do. I think it's possible that I carry a little bit of extra regard for them simply because they were a part of a moment in my life that I will likely never forget. They were truly a part of a breaking within me that has since led to such freedom and redemption in my life. That week was like a catalyst that started a chain reaction through my spirit, manifesting itself in my life as healing and joy. I can only hope that others there received a visit from the Holy Spirit that night as well. It was a blessing to just be standing in the sanctuary - soaking in the presence of our King. It is in those moments, that I stand in such amazement of God, in awe of His awesome power and so grateful for His extravagent work. Oh, he is so glorious....

Job 26
7 He spreads out the northern skies over empty space;
he suspends the earth over nothing.

8 He wraps up the waters in his clouds,
yet the clouds do not burst under their weight.

9 He covers the face of the full moon,
spreading his clouds over it.

10 He marks out the horizon on the face of the waters
for a boundary between light and darkness.

11 The pillars of the heavens quake,
aghast at his rebuke.

12 By his power he churned up the sea;
by his wisdom he cut Rahab to pieces.

13 By his breath the skies became fair;
his hand pierced the gliding serpent.

14 And these are but the outer fringe of his works;
how faint the whisper we hear of him!
Who then can understand the thunder of his power?"

Could it be that simple?

Just breathe My Name.
It is like the pressure of a child's hand that calls forth answering pressure, strengthens the child's confidence and banishes fear.
~God Calling / Author Unknown

With child like simplicity...it really is that simple. Breathe His name - feel His response and watch the miracles rain down. It's amazing how the simple act of speaking a name can bring such comfort, peace, safety, tranquility, revelation and contentment. That's the power of our Lord - that just His Name would carry so much weight. If only I could maintain my full understanding of that power at all times...I can't help but think of the danger this would pose to satan and it is no wonder that he stops at nothing to prevent it. To walk in the full authority of the name of Jesus - to command the power that He desires us to have in the precious name of Jesus. Christians could become absolutely terrifying people to the enemy if we could capture, understand and then exercise that Godly authority! To cast out demons wherever we went, to heal the sick everywhere...imagine the possibilities! I know Satan is shuttering at the thought.

It seems almost too simple - that it would only rely in the power of one name, but it is a name above all else and it is a testimony to the true authority of Christ.

I encourage anyone interested in this stuff to check out Patricia King - I saw her speak last night at a conference and was truly touched and amazed at our lack of understanding and knowledge when it comes to this aspect of our faith. It is all over the bible and yet we still pose the question, 'is it real'? We don't dare doubt the salvation that is preached and presented in the bible and yet we question the other ideas that are posed - why? Because we don't understand them? Because they are outside the box that we have built in our lives? I know that I have been tempted to step outside that box and I am praying that the Lord will respond in mighty ways. I want a piece of that God, I want a piece of You...

Joyful Obedience...

As if the word obedience wasn't a hard enough pill to swallow at times...adding the word 'joyful' to it can at times be like the straw that broke the camels back. Today the Lord posed this challenge to me...

'How dare you declare obedience to me and proclaim to exercise this obedience to my will and yet do so begrudgingly. Is My will not your own? Do you not desire what I desire? '

Touche Lord! It is not just a call to obedience, but the joyful obedience that comes with trusting that His ways are above my own and are better than my own. The true acknowledgment that I willingly and gladly lay down my self and what I think is best and gratefully receive Your divine direction and guidance in my life. As the cheerful giver is so greatly blessed to be giving out of joy and gladness, so is the one who practices obedience out of joy and trust in God.

Tonight I confess my resistance to what I believe to be the Lords command for me right now. I confess the self pity that has accompanied the death of my own desires and plans. I seek a heavenly perspective, fresh eyes to see as You see Lord - let me have a renewed sense of Your will in my life. I want to proclaim with boldness that I am choosing your path and that I do so with a happy heart. THANK YOU Lord, for Your answered prayers and for Your revelations in my life...I receive all of these things and pray that I can walk in them daily! You are so faithful!! Keep me humble Lord, in Your presence I seek to be humbled and kept in my rightful place. For all of the blessings you continue to pour into my life I praise you and stand in awe of Your amazing grace and mercy...thank you Lord.

Questions from God...

Over the course of the past week I have spent a lot of time in deep prayer and meditation about decisions in my life that needed to be made - while seeking answers to those questions, as the Lord has a way of doing, He brought forth other aspects of my life that in a round about way were directly related and which answered all of my questions with one big question from the Him(funny how He still does that - answers our questions with questions of His own).

'What are you seeking'? Funny - seems like a fairly broad question...and yet it is so specific. What am I seeking - what is the goal - what is the final destination? I have realized this week that in the Christian life, there are pretty much 2 options...we can accept Christ and do our best to live a good life, accepting His grace and mercy and trying our hardest to stay out of trouble while serving our fellow brothers and sisters however we feel we are equipped to do so or we can dig in, devote our entire beings and follow hard after God with strict determination and conviction to be more holy, more Christ like with every passing day regardless of the consequences. While there is nothing necessarily wrong with the former (it by no means makes that Christian any less loved or saved by Christ's sacrifice) the latter, I believe, leads to a life as God intended it to be, full of intimacy and experiences only available to those who are truly willing to seek Him with a reckless abandon of their own selves. The question posed to me this week was, in a nutshell, which do I desire for myself?

"I don't want to suggest that becoming like Christ will be easy. Seeking intimacy with the Almighty requires focused determination, demands specific changes in attitude and behavior, and will come with a number of heartbreak and setbacks."
~~So You Want To Be Like Christ - Charles Swindol~~

Focus? Determination? Heartbreak? Yes - that's it. Becoming more like Christ and receiving the blessings that come with that requires a person to set out with the specific purpose of doing so and then the determination to persevere through the pain and trials that are going to come with the journey. Being holy and more Christ like does not just fall into our laps...it is not something that certain people are blessed with or something that just 'happens' after you've put in enough time. It is a desire of the heart, it is sought after and it is earned. The first step is to decide 'what are you seeking'? If the desire is to be more like Christ, then the commitment to train spiritually must follow. With that training comes the sacrifice of all that is in our flesh. It is not a/b me, nor my desires. It is not a/b the desires of those around me, what makes them happy or content - it is not about what I think is right - it is only about Him and what He deems as right and holy. What a HUGE concept! To take every thought, every desire and to present it to God Himself, in all of His glory, and ask Father, is this Your desire??

I have decided this week that my desire is to place God before everything else in my life. To be in accordance to His will for me - to be sensitive to what He wants in my life and to lay down my fleshly wants and needs in order to walk according to His. A commitment? Sure. A sacrifice? Definitely. But both necessary if the goal is being holy and godly and more like Christ. This week I have found that it is my desire to seek purposefully, intently and whole heartedly after God. I am no longer able to rest in my salvation, I want more - more of whatever it is that He has to offer, whatever it is that He has to give me...I want it. And in that realization I received my answers to the questions I originally sought prayer for - again, funny how He manages to do that.

So, in conclusion, I ask you the same question the Lord has asked me...what exactly are you seeking? And what are you willing to do to get there?

What God has joined together...

Over the course of the weeks since Julie and Ryan were married there have been such great testimonies brought forward as to how their wedding has touched people at their very core. It is such an amazing thing to see how the Lord is showing his power and is visibly answering the prayers of so many through this event. There were so many praying diligently that the Lord's presence would be felt at this ceremony and that their wedding and marriage would be a living testimony for God. I was thrilled to see so many people partaking in prayer and in service to Him during this time, people who are not accustomed to it and people who were likely made to feel a little uncomfortable by it...discomfort in the Lord is almost always a good sign! I can remember a good friend saying to me once - pick just a/b any venue, stand in the middle of a crowded room and simply say the name Jesus and it will undoubtedly bring about utter silence. It is a name that causes question and at times discomfort, it is a name that offends and a name that brings conviction - praise God for it! Praise God for the working of His spirit in a place filled with so many unbelievers...people who would not be subject to goodness of His message in any other way.

I was so blessed by the wedding and I have continued to be blessed by the stories and testimonies that are coming forth. All glory and honor and praise to the One who is so giving and who is so faithful in His promises...I pray blessings upon their marriage, that Julie and Ryan would continue to seek His face and continue to seek service to Him in the ways they are called to do so. I pray protection against any attacks brought upon them for their service and that their marriage would be guided and guarded by the living and loving Father.

Man is so made that he can carry the weight of twenty-four hours - no more. Directly he weights down with the years behind, and the days ahead, his back breaks. I have promised to help you with the burden of today only, the past I have taken from you and if you, foolish hearts, choose to gather again that burden and bear it, then, indeed you mock Me to expect Me to share it. For weal or woe each day is ended. What remains to be lived, the coming twenty-four hours, you must face as you wake.
~God Calling / Author Unknown
This passage could not have been received at a better time...the past few days have been, for the most part, lived moment to moment - it is the only way that I have found to climb the mountains in my life. Anything beyond this moment is too overwhelming to think about and will usually lead me into doubt, fear and ultimately failing. Thoughts of the past and the pain that can accompany those thoughts will usually bring forth old emotions and feelings that are better laid to rest and which have already been covered by the blood of our saviour. Thoughts of the future, can bring forth fear and confusion, anxiety and stress...all of which are also already covered in the blood of our saviour. Trying to live in the day, is so difficult, and yet there is so much freedom in receiving the strength the Lord has given you today and using it for today only and not trying to stretch it to cover the days to come. Have faith that He will provide for you today and that He will provide new strength and wisdom for tomorrow as well! We serve a faithful and holy God - one of fulfilled promises throughout the ages and One who has all creation under His control. How humbling to maintain the perspective that He is the almighty creator, controller of the heavens and earth and that we have no worry too great and no burden too heavy. His yolk is easy and His buren light - relieve yourself of the burdens of the past and the future that serve only to hold you back and weigh you down - serve Him today and He will provide blessings to cover this day and all those that follow...

He will sustain you...

Life can never be the same again. Once you have drunk of the wine of My giving, the Life Eternal - all earth's attempts to quench your thirst will fail.
God Calling - Author unknown

Being ruined for the Lord...it's like tasting the finest wine or coffee ever created...you will forever be ruined to the taste of anything less. While it can be frustrating and sometimes painful, it is a wonderful thing to know that you have been 'ruined' by God - to know that you have experienced something that will never let you forget and that will always haunt you in your attempts to deny it. It is my comfort today - knowing that the conviction over my recent fallings is only because I have experienced a heightened sense of Gods glory and blessings. I am grateful for this time b/c it is my affirmation that what I have experienced over the course of the past year has been a true transformation from my former self and that I need not fear.

Self dethroned - that is the lesson, but in its place put Love for Me, knowledge of Me. ~God Calling

Over the course of the past year I have been somewhat unknowingly on a journey to truly dethrone myself - I have gradually replaced my own perceptions and beliefs with thoughts of the Lord and with knowledge of Him. This time, this short season of time, I am learning just how much so. Tonight during a time of meditation and prayer I had the thought and vision of the Lord, so large - standing on the world. All of his children scurrying around at His feet, in such a futile hustle. There He stood - simply gazing down upon us and then gazing down upon me. On me, among all else, He saw me. Then He grew even larger and the world was encompassed in his hands...and then I felt rest. I am in His hands, we all are, being held so carefully. It is a peace and rest that I needed to be reminded of. Amidst the chaos and the every day rat race, that peace and rest is always there - it is a matter of retreating into a place where we can feel it and acknowledge it.

Thank you to those of you who have responded in prayer and phone calls to my recent posts. Please know that I love each of you so much and that my spirit is well - it is just a short time of trial and testing. I love you all so much for being so encouraging and for being such lights to me. You are all a part of my testimony and know that each of you is serving the Lords kingdom by continuing to guide me and encourage me to live it out. I am so thankful for the blessings the Lord has given me - rest assure that the enemy has not been victorious! He has only succeeded in driving me closer to God and in pushing me further in my pursuit of absolute surrender. Praise the Lord! I pray blessings upon all of you, for joy and peace and love, may the Lord be upon you today and always!!

Obedience...

John 14:15
"If you love me, you will obey what I command.

Jeremiah 7:23
but I gave them this command: Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in all the ways I command you, that it may go well with you

Joel 2:11
The LORD thunders at the head of his army; his forces are beyond number, and mighty are those who obey his command. The day of the LORD is great; it is dreadful. Who can endure it?

Luke 11:28
He replied, "Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it."

1 John 2:5
But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him:

2 John 1:6
And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.

Deuteronomy 28:1
If you fully obey the LORD your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations on earth.

John 14:24
He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.

Leviticus 18:4-5
You must obey my laws and be careful to follow my decrees. I am the LORD your God. Keep my decrees and laws, for the man who obeys them will live by them. I am the LORD

Deuteronomy 13:18
It is the LORD your God you must follow, and him you must revere. Keep his commands and obey him; serve him and hold fast to him

John 15:10
If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love.

Proverbs 19:16
He who obeys instructions guards his life, but he who is contemptuous of his ways will die

1 John 5:3
This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome

The evidence is staggering...the stock God puts in obedience can be frightening when it's something that you're struggling with. It has been a message that has been thrown at me from every direction over the course of the past 2 weeks. I am not so naive to believe that this is coincidence. It is frustrating b/c in theory it shouldn't be so difficult - the knowledge of our salvation and the joy the accompanies that should be enough to drive obedience from anyone, and yet it is something that many battle - the obedience to the spirit rather than the flesh. Obedience...such a simple word, and yet, such a great action, with many great benefits. For anyone seeking intimacy, a connection with God, an encounter...pick something you struggle with - practice obedience in that specific area and I promise you...you will see God moving. He will fall over you like a mighty rain and you will be touched by a glory and grace you have not known before. He is always pleased by our choice to serve Him over ourselves...

May today be a day of service to the Lord, a day full of obedience and renewed reverence of the Mighty God who has created the very life we live. May today be a day of reflection on what we were created to be and who we were created to serve...may today be lived as it was meant to be...as the day the Lord made for us, so carefully and thoughtfully designed with every moment carefully planned in love for each of us individually. May we all live today thankfully and joyfully in the name of the Lord.

'Then I acknowledged my sin to you...'

Psalm 32
1 Blessed is he
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.

2 Blessed is the man
whose sin the LORD does not count against him
and in whose spirit is no deceit.

3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.

4 For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.

5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD "
and you forgave the guilt of my sin.

For those of you reading this - prayer is something that I could definitely use right now. The past 2 weeks have been very difficult weeks in more ways than just planning a wedding and watching a couple of dogs...one of the most terrifying words in my language these days is the word 'relapse'. Since experiencing my freedom from the strongholds in my life, it is the word that has the ability to bring bitter fear to my mind, but which is usually silenced quickly by a small prayer and belief that I am protected and in no danger of any such thing. The past 2 weeks have been a/b as close to a full blown relapse as I could possibly be...
Call it stress induced, anxiety driven, call it what you will, regardless - none of it is of the Lord and therefore none of it is good.
With is has come guilt, conviction, fear, anger and anguish - feelings I haven't experienced in quite some time and which I do not miss in the least.
I have struggled with some old feelings that haven't been present in a while, and as it usually happens...when something from your past comes back in an attempt to re-enter your life, it comes back with fierceness and bite. I confess this tonight, first in writing and later verbally to those I trust to receive it with compassion and in love, simply to humble myself before my Lord, who knows the sins I've committed and is only waiting for me to bring them to His feet, w/o my pride, so that He can once again cover them and display His never ending and all encompassing grace and mercy. I have found comfort in the differences I have seen in myself during this time...differences from before - the desire and ability to humble myself now rather than waiting in hopes that I could handle it on my own. I know now that I cannot, it is not of me, it is not of anyone else - it is something that only the Lord can fix and heal. Obedience is the key to intimacy...it has been a resounding theme during this time, one that is not by chance. Obedience is never fun in the beginning...but the intimacy and joy gained is always well worth the struggle.



Lord, I lay before You tonight in complete submission and thanks giving. You are so Holy and good, so perfect and righteous and I thank You for the sacrifice of Your Son, that I may come before you with my feeble requests. Thank you for creating my life, and for the many blessings you have bestowed upon me. I seek Your forgiveness for my iniquities and for my sins against You. Please cover me in Your grace and show mercy to your child once again for my inability to empty myself of the things that grieve You. Lord I seek to serve you completely - to be a true vessel for Your works. I am earnestly seeking renewed strength and sensitivity in my heart. Strengthen my conviction and reveal all things in me that are not of You.
Create in me a clean and pure heart, one that serves only You Lord. Thank You for hearing me, and for Your answers to my prayers Lord...I receive whatever You have to offer and pray that my praise and desire to be near is pleasing to You.
All of this I pray in your Sons precious and Holy name, Amen.

Perspective...

Yes, I know, it's been more than a few days since I've visited - but a little grace would be so very appreciated...it's been a busy week to say the least.
A few updates and then onto the deeper meaning behind the post. Julie got married last Saturday - wow, right? It seemed very unreal the whole time...one of those things in your life that you assume will always happen, you just can't believe it when it does. I'm so happy for her, the wedding went beautifully and they just got back from the honeymoon tonight - I had the pleasure of house sitting all week -- good times with me and the crazy dogs ;) And tonight I'm back home and trying to collect myself and my thoughts. I've had a lot going through my mind lately and tonight something kinda weird came to me - this may end up being short for a few reasons...either it's not as profound as it sounds in my head and when I start typing it I'll just feel like an idiot...or...it's even more profound than I think and I'll never be able to find the words to convey what it is that's jumbled up in my head...either way, I figure it's worth a shot.

I randomly started thinking about the human mind today. The psychology behind it all, the reasoning (if any) around it all and I think that it's fairly reasonable to say that every single person in this existence has their own sort of truth in their life. They live by their own perception of the world, their own views on the stimulus surrounding them, their own beliefs and all of these things make up their own individual 'reality' per se. Similar to two people who look at a painting and see two totally different works of art...so is it also with life. I cannot perceive your reality any more than you can perceive mine. People most often clash and find conflict when their perception and understanding of a situation is different - it creates 2 totally different 'realities' in which both feel completely justified...(try to hang w/ me here for a second). It is overwhelming to think a/b all of the different realities that are currently co-existing all around us. Every person caught in the midst of the world they have created in their very own mind...acting and reacting according to their own set of perceptions about what is going on to them and around them. All of this said to finally say that I find complete amazement in the idea that so many people with so many different truths - can actually find the same truth in Jesus Christ...with all of the different perceptions of the world, all of the different views and realities, in a simplistic way we can all find the same reality in Christ. If each of us sought to find our personal reality and truth in nothing more than the teaching of Christ, we would all for a moment be in the midst of the same perception, the same views...the same 'world'. Granted, over time we have even managed to create different truths about God, but as I said...in the simplest form - the truth of our savior is the same. It makes me think of heaven, with all of Gods children fixated on center of existence, perceiving it and understanding it in exactly the same way...what does that even look like? What a glorious time it will be...completely beyond my human comprehension.

I've been feeling a sort of conviction lately to really try to understand and hear people. Not from my perspective, but maybe from theirs. It's really difficult at times...different people with different life experiences creates the possibility that it could be literally impossible for me to truly understand their view on things...but the challenge is at the very least intriguing and one which I hope will create in me the ability to love all, even when I can't understand their personal reality. A little weird I know...but interesting none the less.

I found this song shortly after posting this - thank you Lord - it is exactly what I'm talking about here...

It feels like your life's crashing down all around you
Let me ask if it's really so bad
Look at the world in it's suffering
Can you honestly tell me that know one else could understand
All the hurting inside

Why can't you see that freedom is sometimes simply another perspective away
Who could you be if your lens was changed for a moment,
Would you still be the same

A young child looks through a great stained glass window
Watching the people go by
Everyone seems to be wearing a red coat
His mother sees jackets in white
Now he can't understand why does she see it this way

Yesterday, you really couldn't see
By changing your angle a new world would be
Revealed to your once blinded eyes by moving a few degrees

Why can't you see that freedom is sometimes simply another perspective away
Who could you be if your lens was changed for a moment,
Would you still be the same
~ Kutless ~

Weekly reflection...

It's been quite the past few weeks - life in general moving by at breakneck speed, waking up from day to day not really knowing what I did the day prior. It's been an entire month of very deep and very deliberate introspection. The very difficult task of looking in and seeking what is really there...digging into the areas that may not be so attractive and really looking at what makes up my 'being'. There's some good there and there's a whole lotta bad too. It's an exciting time and I'm so blessed with the perspective of knowing that I am in the midst of the Lords work - I am dab smack in the middle of refining - and as uncomfortable as that can be, there is so much to look forward to. I am well aware that this has nothing to do with me, but only with what the Lord is preparing in me and what He is preparing me to do. I can only try to make myself open and available for what He's doing...

I've been tested in so many areas lately - during this time I've learned that for the most part, what I have to say is much less important that what I should be hearing from the other person. My hurts, my sorrows, my pains - they are all seen by the One who matters, so why is it so important to make it known to others. Others who only want to voice their own hurt and pain and who want to be heard. Listening to theirs w/o voicing my own - that is the key. And it's not a/b keeping it in, or bottling it up - but about taking it to the One who can truly make it okay and who can truly understand. At times, my response to a situation can be a far greater testimony than any words that I feel I have to offer.


Remember, you are only an instrucment. Not yours to decide how or when or where you act. I plan all that. Make yoursel very fit to do My work. All that hinders your activity must be cured.

But, My children, you may think I did say, "Take up your cross daily and follow Me." Yes, but the cross given to each one of you is only a cross provided on which you can crucify the self of yours that hinders the progress and Joy and prevents the flow through your being of My invigorating Life and Spirit.
~God Calling (Author Unkown)

YES Lord! That is what I'm seeking - to not make one move or action that is not of You...to weigh everything I do against what You would do. I'm learning that my own actions and my own thoughts are typically very unfruitful but that if I follow the example set by Your Son - eventually it all works out for my own good.

At this moment Lord I am praying a prayer that I cannot always bring myself to pray...that I would be fully humbled and dead to myself - not caring about what is happening to or against me but resting in the full knowledge that You do and that all of it is being handled in Your time and in accordance to Your will. And that in this I would find the ability to crucify all that is interfering with the plans You have made for me.

My children, I am here beside you. Draw near in spirit to Me. Shut out the distractions of the world. I am your Life, the very breath of your soul. Learn what it is to shut yourself in the secret place of your being, which is My secret place too.
~God Calling / Author Unknown.

Beauty for Ashes...

I guess it's been a few days since I've posted so I'm feeling the need to make up for lost time, two in one day... Really, this is something I've been sitting on for a while. Not really ready to push the publish button...tonight I finally took the plunge. It's a very personal and close to home post, one which brings feelings of anxiety - I'm taking that as a sign that publishing it is the right thing to do...a little stretching of the spirit. Funny thing is - It's not that I really believe all that many people read this - and so it's not the fear of people seeing or knowing, just that it is out there...no longer in the privacy of my journal or my mind that scares me - it's a very vulnerable feeling, one that I typically avoid like the plauge. All that said, here goes nothin'.

For seven years I have faced an affliction that has at times consumed me and that has at times been my best friend. Nearly a third of my life spent fighting, hurting, hiding, wallowing, pretending and lying. For those of you who don't know - well - surprise, surprise...7 years ago I dove into an eating disorder - obviously, not purposfully and not understanding what I was doing or what the ramifications would be. None the less, I embarked on a journey which would threaten my life, my relationships and my sanity. I could spend hours telling you about how the Lord has brought me through that - and if you're interested I'd be happy to, but right now I want to post something that I journaled on 12/11/2003. I read it tonight for the first time since I wrote it and it is still the most accurate depiction of this disease that I could ever paint - it is more or less a representation of the journey I have taken (and am still taking) through this period of my life...you may get nothing out of it - but reading it tonight just touched me - it moved me and it stirred a gratitude in my heart for the way that the Lord has worked in me and in my life...

This thing that lives in me - I have no idea where it came from, why it chose me, or maybe....why I chose it. It lives in me like a parasite - feeding on my weakness, and on my simple mind. Every time I feed it - it grows larger, until it seems to be larger than life itself.

At times it feels like a faceless demon, sitting patiently on my shoulder - whispering obscenities in my ear. He creates a facade, an oasis, which is seemingly attractive and comforting. He lures me in with false promises of beauty, love, control and power. This demon, it is there always, filling me with desire, until it is almost unbearable. He is ever so patient, alluring me, befriending me, waiting until I am unknowingly trapped and no longer in control, until I have lost all power. Then, without warning, like out of a hellish nightmare, this world of beauty that I once treasured and adored slowly unravels and it is shown for what it truly is, and has always been. It is a desolate place, full of lonliness, lies and despair. It is a pit of nothingness - a place where you lose yourself, and where eventually, you forget what "you" really were.

This demon no longer talks of beautiful things, but ridicules me, telling me time and time again, how weak I am, what a failure I am. Laughing in my face, taunting me.

He digs in, consuming my every thought, my every action, my every word. The harder I struggle, the further he digs. This thing....it is drowning me....only allowing me enough air to sustain life. He tells me that I will *never* win - that I will *never* be free again. That I will end up alone, unloved, and powerless - and even then, he will never let me go. I feel trapped at times - like I'm in a box - kicking and screaming for someone to save me from this thing that has overtaken me. I grow tired, with every wound and failed attempt I am exhausted from the fighting. Eventually I allow myself to be taken fully. The lies become burried so deep within me that I succumb to this thing...I have lost myself. My words are not my own...my actions are not my own. Please don't leave me, please don't hate me - this isn't who I am.....somewhere inside, this isn't who I am.

And when the bottom is near, when the darkness is pressing on my chest like a weight. When I am physically a shadow of what I was - when I am mentally empty - when I have given up, I see....a glimmer of light. A faint whisper of hope brushes my cheek - for an instant. It's fleeting, evading me, yet I can still sense it. So close, almost close enough to touch. I feebly raise a hand, and I reach, and instantly the demon is upon me. Asking how I will ever live with out him. How could I ever do it on my own? I am nothing, no one, I have no thoughts of my own, no purpose to serve...this is who I am, it is how I was created, it is my destiny. But I reach anyway, clinging to the hope that there is something more, straining until I want to scream - silently begging for mercy.

I begin to pray feverishly - for the first time...and the demon stops, and stares, and waits, and wonders. Anger is beginning to swell w/in me, so fierce and so full of fury that it is on the verge of exploding. For all the lies, for all the hatred. For all those that I have broken, for all those that I have hurt. For the lost friends and the hurtful words. For my lost innocense. For the me I have lost along the way. I am fully broken, on my knees screaming and sobbing for a Saviour. The demon withers in fear, he tells me to stop, pleads with me to end this foolishness. He is in pain, and is shrieking. He and I, both fighting desperately to survive, and still.....I pray.

I can see rays of light, penetrating through the dark walls of my box. One at a time, they come, and I welcome them. With every bit of light that shines in, a whisper of strength is breathed into my body. As I slowly begin breaking the chains that have bound me for so long, I begin to call out the lies and to call on the One who is truth. I will fight with the very last fiber of my being, to find myself again.

And the fight continues. The battle to rebuild, to reconstruct, to make new again. Every day, making the effort, beating the demon back into its hole. Every day facing the light - and seeking His face....to guide me and walk with me through this day of trials. My hope, my light, my saviour - you have saved me yet again......



If you've made it this far...thanks for reading -- as I said in the beginning it has taken me days to finally hit the 'post' button on this entry. And finally I came to the conclusion that it is a story worth telling - it is a testimony to what the Lord started doing once I declared that I would seek His will - once I proclaimed that I desired to be healed. The question Jesus asks the lame "do you want to get well" is a question with much validity...for so long there was not a true desire in my heart to get well - there was still benefit and pleasure in my addictions...I desired not to be healed in Gods way, but in my own way. Lord take my affliction, but let me stay the same as I am now. The true question is - are you willing to do what it takes to receive your healing. Are you willing to endure the temporary pain for a lifetime of reward in Christ?

Life is much sweeter now - the demon is no longer there, my box has been broken, and my saviour did rescue me with grace and mercy and love. What a wonderful God we serve, that He would pursue me in such ways...that He would draw me out of my own personal hell - that He would call me to serve in His kingdom. I can proclaim a freedom today that at one time I could not understand - I can proclaim joy in place of my sorrow and finally I receive my crown of beauty instead of ashes...

Excerpts of soaking...

Monday was once again an enlightening session of soaking in the presence of the Father...It never ceases to amaze me - during these sessions I'm always plagued with this itty bitty voice questioning if I'm getting anything out of this...Am I really soaking?? And then after the fact as I sit and reflect, I begin to recall the revelations given during this precious time and I'm filled again with the peace and the increased faith that He is there always...

This week I was prompted to write during my time w/ the Lord - I had to go back and re-read what I wrote b/c I couldn't really recall, only that He was revealing areas in me that still desperately need work....here is a paragraph that I found particularly true in my life...

Let go of yourself and you will find the experience and the freedom you are seeking. I speak to you often and you are still too much in the way, too present, to let my soft whispers penetrate into the depths of your soul. Sweet child just rest a while, stop trying, you were not created for such things. You were not created to survive alone and to sustain yourself but with specific weaknesses that you might recognize your need for Me, your Creator. This is why you should rejoice in these weaknesses, your proverbial thorns, for it is in these that you find Me.

Hmmm, good stuff Lord - and oh so true. I still find myself thinking w/ my head far too often - just when He is trying to show me another glimpse - my head interrupts with logic and reason, things that the Lord wants nothing to do with. Our God is not logical, He is not reasonable by our standards...trying to find Him with our minds will never be sufficient. Only our spirits could possibly come close to grasping Him...only our spirits, which were born of Him, could possibly hear and comprehend the language that He speaks.

Rejoicing in my weakness is something that can be so difficult, we find His strength here, and yet it can still be so painful to face it and overcome - obviously this is the case so that we can give the glory to no one other than God, and at the same time it can be a second by second battle in which our choice to follow Him over our own selves hangs in limbo.
"Let go of yourself" -- four very small insignificant words in the human language, but when put together, one of the hardest things to accomplish in a lifetime. It is really something that must be done daily b/c our 'self' can be so consuming that it will overshadow anything that He is trying to accomplish. Oh, but the times that I am able to fully put myself aside, the reward is so great, so good. Our Lord is always faithful and His promises are never empty. He says that if we seek Him we shall find - not seek gifts or words or wisdom, but seek Him - the rest is just an overflow of what He is.

Isaiah 6
...I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings; with two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet , and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:
"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory"

Heavy...

It's the only word coming to me right now...my heart is just...heavy. There is a weight pressing in on me and it is crushing me from all angles. I can't quite pinpoint the origin, but it feels like it's coming from every possible direction.
I've noticed a correlation b/w these attacks and the sharing of my testimony...last night I was blessed with the opportunity to share some of my history with a sweet and precious sister - lo and behold, today was just one tremendously hard day...not just work - that wasn't it...just this feeling of failing...and not myself - but everyone else. One whole day of feeling utterly worthless and disconnected. The enemy is good at what he does I will give him that. I'm caught in this place of not knowing where I fit - what my roles are - where I'm going. These are worries shared by many I'm sure, and usually they're tucked away under the joy and trust of the Lord. Today, however, they're in the forefront of my mind - just spinning circles in there at a pace I can't quite keep up with. It's days like these that loneliness creeps in, I feel vulnerable and the exhaustion is overwhelming. I just want to curl up and be held, taken care of and protected.
My spirit is tugging at me though - trying to speak truth into the midst of it all. No fear child, you are loved and cared for by the One who can provide abundantly...the yolk I give you is light - give Me your worries and rest. Ah yes, rest.
I rebuke the lies in the name of Jesus - and I'm claiming that tomorrow I will rise with a renewed mind and spirit - the heaviness will be gone and I will walk steadfast in the knowledge and truth of Christ.

I know this post is random and a little erratic - the thoughts aren't quite flowing freely or clearly tonight, but, it's honesty in it's purest form...take it as you will.

Be near

I have read this passage at least 30 times in the last 24 hours - for some reason it is hitting me at my core...I can't get it out of my head. Read it slowly and soak it in...

God's Longing
To the listening ear I speak, to the waiting heart I come. Sometimes, I may not speak. I may ask you merely to wait in My Presence, to know that I am with you
Think of the multitudes, who thronged Me, when I was on earth, all eager for something. Eager to be healed, or taught, or fed. Think as I supplied their many wants, and granted their manifold requests, what it meant to be Me. To find amid the crowd, some one or two, who followed Me just to be near Me, just to dwell in My Presence. How some longing of the Eternal Heart was satisfied thereby.
Comfort Me awhile, by letting Me know that you would seek Me just to dwell in My presence, to be near Me, not even for teaching, not for material gain, not even for a message--but for Me. The longing of the human heart to be loved for itself is a something caught from the Great Divine Heart.
-God Calling

My goodness....how often do I find myself seeking the Lord for answers or a Word, or a message rather than just seeking to be near Him? It's no different than the friend who only calls you when they need or want something from you - it's hurtful and it's frustrating...why am I to think that God is any different? It's all part of the relationship with God - learning to be His friend and to seek Him as my best friend...any relationship is give and take, it cannot be one sided or it will ultimately end in bitterness and resentment. I think that this has been the shift in my spiritual journey lately - as I have truly desired just to sit with Him, and not ask of Him...there is great peace in just being His friend...giving Him time and companionship - the reward is much more than I could have ever asked for. The desire that is rooted in us to be loved unconditionally and completely for who we are is born directly of God's own desire to be loved, not for what He can do for us, but for who He is...for it is said that we are made by Him in His own image.

Lord forgive me for the times that I have sought the gifts over the Giver - renew in me daily the desire for Your company and friendship above all else. I seek to just be near You, to rest at your feet and to just dwell in who You are...b/c who You are is more than enough for me and simply dwelling in the mere fringes of Your presence is enough to fulfill any need or desire that bestows my heart.

Mighty and Marvelous

Glad indeed are the souls with whom I walk. Walking with Me is security. The coming of My Spirit into a life, and It's working are imperceptible. But the result is mighty.
Learn of Me. Kill the self. Every blow to self is used to shape the real, eternal, imperishable you.
When I died on the Cross, I died embodying all the human self. Once that was crucified, I could conquer even death.
When I bore your sins in My own body on the Tree I bore the self-human nature of the world. As you too kill self, you gain the overwhelming power I released for a weary world, and you too will be victorious.
It is not life and its difficulties you have to conquer, only the self in you. As I said to My disciples, "I have many things to say to you but you cannot bear them now." You could not understand them. But as you go on obeying Me and walking with Me, and listening to Me, you will, and then you will see how glorious, how marvelous My revelations are.
-God Calling

Wow, talk about chills - that is just amazing to me...To think that Christ completely conquered the human flesh - the human nature - the human desires so that we could also conquer and be victorious is such an empowering and yet overwhelming thought. I often think a/b Christ and get this super human image of Him - an image of someone larger than life, who could defeat all - when in reality He was but a simple man, walking in the same shoes you and I walk in today. That thought provokes feelings of complete inadequacy and at the same time, feelings of the greatest and deepest respect I have ever known. Just enduring my daily struggles is near impossible at times, and to think that this man, Christ, did it perfectly and blamelessly every day for 33 years so that we could fail to do it for even 1 is astounding. So incredibly humbling....it is truly a testimony of who He was, and of the One who sent Him.

Burning....

What can I do with my obsession
With the things I cannot see
Is there madness in my being
Is it the wind that moves the trees
Sometimes you're further than the moon
Sometimes you're closer than my skin
And you surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns...for you.

I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I'm suffering lord
I'm longing to be close
you burn me deeper than I know
I feel lonely without hope
I feel desperate w/o vision
You wrap around me like a winter cold
You come and free me like a bird.

And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns...for you.
*David Crowder Band

http://www.dcb01.com/recordings/index.php4
If you want to listen - it's on the Can You Hear Us CD

I'm sitting here and I'm remembering a time and a day when I didn't know the Lord...I belived in "God" but didn't serve Him and, honestly, I didn't really know what believing in God meant. I can remember a time when God was maybe a flicker of a thought every 6 months or so, when things were bad and even then it was rare.

I can remember this and at the same time I'm wondering how in the world I EVER survived it...all those years spent in the darkness, in the absolute wilderness wandering around like a lost child - having no knowledge of this entire world that existed around me. How did I EVER go an entire day without thinking about and talking to God - walking around as though I were capable of existing on my own, walking around in complete defiance to God - and it pains my heart to even think about it.

The depths of my gratitude at this point are beyond explanation - I stand in utter and complete awe of the Lord who called me out, who drug me out and into His presence. The place I come from is death. The world I grew up in was death...nothing less. For as much as my parents may have tried to love me - they didn't stand a chance b/c they don't know my God - and they can't possibly know Love. They created wounds and scars deep in my soul that they will never know about or understand simply because they didn't know Love...Lucky for me that I do - and that my sould can be repaired and restored and that I have a spirit born of God..

My Lord, I am so indebted to You for putting me in a place where i could finally experience what it means to be loved...unconditionally. My heart is so full right now, full of thanksgiving and gratitude b/c I am so truly blessed...and as the tears of joy choke up in my throat, I can't help but proclaim that I will never go another day as long as I live w/o speaking to my saviour. There is comfort in that - and I rest in knowing that You will always be there to receive me.


My heart is on fire right now - burning with a passion and a desire to know You so intimately that there isn't a shred of myself left...less of me and more of You Lord......My heart burns, it burns for you and it yearns for you in a way that I never knew it could...give me more Lord...

Victory!

Okay, so the day's not quite over, but darn it - what a day it's been!

This morning I was pretty sure that it was going to be a typical pre-retreat, miserable bust of a day - I wasn't feeling well, I walked into work half asleep and my mind was going crazy....lies, lies, lies.

I sat at my desk for at least the first 2 hours in a paralyzing panic attack over the days workload, over the things (lies) running through my head, over my frustration...I almost broke, and for those who know me, you know exactly what that means....I don't think I can convey the pain and torment and the utter chaos involved in fighting this war that rages in my head at times - I know that no one else could possibly understand and would likely think I'm being overly dramatic about it, but all I wanted was to silence my mind - and I knew exactly what would do that for me - ahhh, immediate gratification, right? That's what I've always been about in the past. Oh but today the word "past" is the key word in that sentence...

I'm not really sure how it all went down...it was a minute by minute morning. Every thought was a struggle, and man I can't say that I have ever experienced such a battle field in my mind. Taking every thought captive and replacing it with the simple word "identity" over and over for what felt like an eternity. I sought prayer from a good sister and by the grace of God and His answered prayers the desire to just toss in the towel on this complete restoration and deliverance in my life slowly dwindled until it was actually turned into a determination and a desire to stick it out. Given this mornings exact circumstances just a week or so ago and it would have been over in a/b 10 minutes - white flag, I give up, just shut my brain up and I'll do whatever it takes....and I would have.

I am so filled with JOY right now b/c this victory (although some may view as small) is freaking monumental people.....MONUMENTAL, that's right. Oh - praise God, I wish I could do a dance for Him right now - maybe even on top of my desk - although that may cause some question of my current mental state from co-workers...still - I am just - well - I don't know what I am....just overjoyed, elated, exhuberant maybe? I have experienced victory - today's victory and I'm walking now in the fruit of true obedience to the Lord.

What a great day - and now I'm off to worship the mighty One who made it all possible :)

Amazing Grace

Tonight - I had so many things I wanted to write about that I couldn't focus on one particular line of thought, all of it just jumbled in my brain and flowing at such an intense pace - it was frustrating me...so I flipped on the worship music and invited Him in - and then I closed my eyes and just typed - this is the un-edited result - maybe not the most eloquent words I have ever produced, but born of the spirit and of my heart for Him - hopefully the words were meant to bless some random soul that happens to be stopping by...

For it's only by the blood of Christ that He makes atonement for my soul and this will always be enough to cover this sins I commit against Him. Who are we to think that we could ever have the answer or the power to work or do our way into His presence? We were created by a potter of clay, by the master of all creation, we were created just as he would have us be, we were made specifically and a purposefully to fit into the master design of His glory. We are each here to serve specific roles in his kingdom, each day is new and each has been carefully orchestrated by the Father. The father who ineed loves us so much that he spilled his own holy blood to cover us in a grace and mercy so thick that it could never be wiped away. Blood that is so pure and holy that it could never be tainted. He is whispering to us daily, his words of love and caring. He is constantly breathing His love into our lives and is constantly working around us and in us whether or not our spirits are sensitive to the fact.


O, I am overwhelmingly grateful for the people he has so blessed me with - I would consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world to have the handful of people in my life who love me so much, the people that God created to do just that and who he put in my path in a divine manner to open my heart to Him and his glory. It makes my heart ache with joy and laughter b/c I feel as though I could never fully appreciate these gifts in a way that would measure up to Him.

His touch is so gently and light, sometimes seemingly not even there, but that is the beauty in our God, that he is there at all times and yet he chooses not to show himself until we are ready to fully understand and appreciate what he has done for us. It's all for his glory and what an amazingly clever and powerful God we serve. . How do I express gratitude such as this...how do I fully show my thanksgiving at the blessings he has poured into my life? I serve him to my fullest, and honor him in every relationship and action of my life. I die to him daily and allow him to use me to bless others as many have blessed me.

Lord I desire so much to be used by you, to be a vessel. I want to be your word and touch in someone else's life, I want to be the glimmer of you that they may only see once in their lifetime. Be near to me, so that I can sense you always and feel you in my daily walk. Finish the work you have started in me and prepare me for the great things you have in store. I am ready Lord, I am ready to see what awaits me. You said to ask it in your name and receive - and Lord I only ask for more of you - a fulfilling in my spirit, and an abundant overflow into the lives of others. I ask for your wisdom and for the ability to worship you in a way that is pleasing to you.

1 Timothy 12
I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service

God's box...

Job 11:7-9
Can you fathom the mysteries of God?
Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?
They are higher than the heavens-what can you do?
They are deeper than the depths of the grave-what can you know?
The measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea.

It's the box I put Him in that defines the power He has in my life...
This weekend my box grew leaps and bounds.
The past few weeks have been a prelude to a spiritual awakening in my soul. Praise the almighty God above who is so great and who is constantly working in our lives for our own good and for His own glory. Praise be to the God who is so willing to extend his grace and mercy to me, seemingly so unworthy. And the God who sees me, in the midst of so much, and who answers my call.

John 11:40
Did I not tell you that if you belived, you would see the glory of God? His glory has been seen and witnessed by so many. I have witnessed a display so consuming that it cannot be denied. A spirit so thick that it drives me to my knees in awe and thanksgiving.

This weekend I have found my identity. Ah, what an amazing revelation I was given. While my behavior has been changing...it has been such a battle b/c my identity has not. I have still been finding my value and identity in outward appearance and so my spirit and my soul have been at war over the course of the past 3 months with my flesh waiting in the balance, everyday, waiting to see which one would win the daily battle. Today the war ends...it ends in the name of Jesus b/c I am now claiming my identity in Christ. I have been claimed and purchased and my identity depends on no one but the God who created me.
My God who so carefully created me and then diligently smoothed the edges until I could be a reflection of His light. I receive the words that were spoken to me this weekend...that I AM a mighty woman of God, with beauty that has been set above others, with a heart made to serve him and with a purpose greater than I could possibly comprehend.

Oh Lord, I am earnestly seeking your gifts and your purpose in my life. That you would reveal to me in some way what it is you have made me for. I am seeking sensitivity in my spirit so that I can hear you speak to me...please quiet my mind so that my spirit might hear and understand the words you are giving me.
Speak to me in all places and give me the courage to act on your words - make me a true vessel for your work at ALL times and not just within the body of Christ. You are so good Lord, so good - and I just invite your spirit to dwell in me at all times so that I may be filled with a joy that others can't understand...but will be drawn to.
Give me the courage to be hated by those who don't know you - and to persevere in light of it.

I have been given something this weekend which has the potential to change my life as I've known it and I pray that I will allow it to do so. No more will I hinder my joy for the sake of others...no more will I hide my progress to spare those who aren't - and no more will I hide in the comfort zone of my past. Thank you Lord for what you have provided and for the way in which you work...there are no words...

...return to me...

Joel 2:12-13
"Even now", declares the Lord, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning".
Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.

How fitting that I received this scripture tonight during the Harp and Bowl prayer time at the church. During a time of fasting, and weeping would it be that I find this scripture in which the Lord is calling his people back to him. 'Return to me' - because we are the ones who choose to walk away, not the Lord. In times of distance we always seem to find ourselves asking 'Lord, where did you go?" and yet He tells us that He went no where but that it was us who fled, and that He has been ever so gently calling us back, wooing us back into his presence. And, oh, the homecoming is so sweet, so awaited and received with open arms. Praise be to the savior that would take us back again and again never holding our initial departure against us. He is SO merciful and good - so good. Praise the Lord for all that He is and all He provides...holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almightyy. Who was and is and is to come. Amen!

Ignorance is bliss...

Amen...I can remember a time when I was new in my faith, when I was just beginning my journey with the Lord and when by other's standards I was a mess, but I in my ignorance, was filled with the joy of knowing the grace and mercy of the Lord and was content on loving it. Things that I did back then that were less than perfect convicted me, but didn't interfere with my ability to worship. I was so consumed with being grateful for Christ and I worshipped and loved the Lord with all my heart. I felt Him near me. I heard Him often and experienced Him regularly. Yet today, I find my 'sins' somewhat defining my walk with Christ. Let me explain...
Being delivered of any particular bondage does not always mean it just goes away - it means you recognize your deliverance, your accept your deliverance and then walk in it. There are times of struggle and sometimes falling but there is always the deliverance. These days, the fallings hurt more, they affect me more, they linger...
Worse than that, they convict me which is good, and condemn me, which is bad. Am I any less saved now than I was then? Absolutely not, but my heart doesn't feel that way and at times I can't help but wish for the ignorance of my past when I wasn't so consumed w/ being perfect for the Lord, just on loving Him. Some would say that I'm becoming more sensitive to the Spirit, and I pray that's the case, but I'm sitting here wondering when my faith turned into just doing the right things rather than seeking to love Him - my goodness, how quickly and discreetly the change takes place! I've been so concerned with acting "properly" that I've ever so slightly drifted my attention from the One that heals and comforts to what other than myself.

Lord, forgive me for my failings and help me to seek you more. You are so holy and divine and I relinquish any thought or idea that I have any ability to 'do' the right things w/o you in my direct line of sight. I accept your gifts of grace and mercy and praise your holy, holy name for all that you provide to your children. Thank you Father for what you are doing in me and may your will always be done in my life.
Amen!

Hmmm...

That's about all I can say after tonights experience. This will likely be a post that lacks any sort of coherant order or logical sense, but please try to stick with me...Come Holy Spirit - the title of a seminar that I attended tonight tonight in leu of small group. I'd heard stories a/b the previous seminar and was very intrigued and ready to experience this - and so I went, in prayer, for the Lord to show this to me, and to show me what He was all about...whatever it was that I'd been missing - I wanted to see it.

Now, let's sort of recap my current spiritual state at the time...not really having a lot of great God experiences lately - sort of on auto pilot, really trying to figure out what I'm missing to hit that next level - a lot of questions popping up due to my inability to really feel or truly 'experience' Him right now. Needless to say I went into the evening hoping that maybe the Lord had some plans in store for me. Needing the Lord to have something for me.

The worship was nothing less than amazing - so spirit filled, I prayed and prayed and prayed - wanting Him to fill me up so bad, but refusing to manifest it out of my own desire...I sought a true and pure experience w/ Him, I wanted all of Him...

The speakers were amazing - and the Lord hit me with a huge word during the actual message. A lot of my questions lately have been in the area of Gods will and his soveirgn will and what that means in the context of good and evil and free will. My question was answered in less than 15 minutes....praise the Lord.
According to Mr. Jack Taylor, we are all shaken at one point or another in our lives, it is a God given fact that He loves us enough to shake us down to our very core in order to refine and grow us into beings more like Him. He said that sometimes God lets the trial and trouble continue until every spiritual benefit that can be gained on your behalf is acheived. He spoke of the good and bad news of God's will. The good news being that Satan, terrorists, murders and our enemies have no power or authority to do anything w/o God's permission. The bad news being that obviously God has given them permission. But the greater news being that in the end, when all is said and done, every single thing done by a human hand, good or evil will have been allowed by God and will have in some way been used in the edifying, glorifying and strengthening of His Kingdom. In other words don't worry a/b it - b/c it's all for His glory. Amen! What a breath of fresh air it was to hear that. I guess I've heard it said in other ways prior to tonight, but for some reason tonight it clicked, thank you Lord for revealing this to me, for letting my heart be open to receiving the message!

With that he suggested that the real issue at hand is not what you're going through, but how you're responding to it. Much like Chris' message this weekend - what kind of fruit are you bearing under pressure...good question. Funny b/c I blogged about this very same topic last week, prior to hearing either of these messages - I really feel a confirmation from the Lord - asking me to inspect my responses, and then dig in a little deeper in order to refine my fruit and to become more like Him.

After the message they moved into a ministry time - lot's of prayer and people being 'knocked down' in the Spirit. Now...I'm not against it, totally believe it's real and possible - but I've never experienced anything like this before and so automatically the humanistic skeptic comes out in me...just really resisting what was happening and yet fighting to hold on to an open heart...
I didn't get 'hit' with the spirit per se and at first I've gotta say I was really upset - thinking that there was something wrong with me, and I suppose there's a part of me this is still battling that...it's hard to watch people that you -know- wouldn't lie a/b it, have these amazng things happening while you're not and not question why. And after a few minutes of self loathe and pity, I threw that aside and just hit my knees in worship and thanksgiving - for the ability to even freely worship our Lord and for all that He is to me. And that's when my experience came - on my knees, face to the floor, sobbing for the Lord, and then He came...and things just got - quiet. That's all I could really tell you about it b/c I'm not sure what exactly I was thinking or praying at the time, only that my tears stopped coming and it got quiet. I'm not sure how long I stayed there, maybe 15 minutes or so, but it was good and it was refreshing and it was such a blessing. Granted, not quite what everyone else experienced and who knows, maybe some day I'll get that too - but it was more than enough just to meet w/ God for even 15 minutes of quiet and peaceful communion, and well worth the evening.

It was an amazing night in a lot of ways - I watched many friends experience God and it's always a blessing to watch other rejoicing - I was fed with so much truth and with the word of the Lord - and I got to experience some new things, which is always good for stretching that little box of mine :)

I'm grateful for the time and hope to go back later this week - granted I've got a lot of things to chew on after seeing all of this -- but I'm trusting the Lord to walk me through it and show me what I need to see.