Victory!

Okay, so the day's not quite over, but darn it - what a day it's been!

This morning I was pretty sure that it was going to be a typical pre-retreat, miserable bust of a day - I wasn't feeling well, I walked into work half asleep and my mind was going crazy....lies, lies, lies.

I sat at my desk for at least the first 2 hours in a paralyzing panic attack over the days workload, over the things (lies) running through my head, over my frustration...I almost broke, and for those who know me, you know exactly what that means....I don't think I can convey the pain and torment and the utter chaos involved in fighting this war that rages in my head at times - I know that no one else could possibly understand and would likely think I'm being overly dramatic about it, but all I wanted was to silence my mind - and I knew exactly what would do that for me - ahhh, immediate gratification, right? That's what I've always been about in the past. Oh but today the word "past" is the key word in that sentence...

I'm not really sure how it all went down...it was a minute by minute morning. Every thought was a struggle, and man I can't say that I have ever experienced such a battle field in my mind. Taking every thought captive and replacing it with the simple word "identity" over and over for what felt like an eternity. I sought prayer from a good sister and by the grace of God and His answered prayers the desire to just toss in the towel on this complete restoration and deliverance in my life slowly dwindled until it was actually turned into a determination and a desire to stick it out. Given this mornings exact circumstances just a week or so ago and it would have been over in a/b 10 minutes - white flag, I give up, just shut my brain up and I'll do whatever it takes....and I would have.

I am so filled with JOY right now b/c this victory (although some may view as small) is freaking monumental people.....MONUMENTAL, that's right. Oh - praise God, I wish I could do a dance for Him right now - maybe even on top of my desk - although that may cause some question of my current mental state from co-workers...still - I am just - well - I don't know what I am....just overjoyed, elated, exhuberant maybe? I have experienced victory - today's victory and I'm walking now in the fruit of true obedience to the Lord.

What a great day - and now I'm off to worship the mighty One who made it all possible :)