A brief update...

Okay, okay - I'm back. For those who don't know, and that's probably most of you since I've been MIA for a/b 3 weeks - I went to the summer youth camp in Glenrose this week and then spent the last 3 days in Corpus on the beach...yes - it was wonderful. Camp was amazing, as I expected and I have plenty on that to blog a/b later, and the beach was so very relaxing, just what I needed.

Now I'm home - and back to the familiar things of life, such as the little boy who lives above me running laps around their apartment. The kid's gonna be a track star someday - and I'll be able to say I knew him when... I never knew a kid could run continuous laps in an apartment my size, but I assure you it can be done...the little pitter-patter of feet seems to never end - it's quite humerous at this point.

Anyway - back home and back to life - as usual it's hard coming off of a week with nothing but God, teenagers, sun and sand, but it must be done. At least now I feel like I have the energy to do something other than come home and crash. So for now, I leave you with the things I learned on vacation...

1. God is amazing -

not that I didn't know that already, but I learned it in a much larger capacity this week - ways that will alter my entire outlook on so many different things in my life.

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2. I'm not as young as I used to be - spending 5 hours reffing basketball games in 90 degrees on hot pavement left me with an aching back, terribly sore and swollen feet and with the desire to do nothing but lay as still as possible, flat on my back in the cabin...a far cry from my much more active youth.
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3. If you sit on the back porch at the coast with a graham cracker in your hand long enough, the seagulls will attack you for it. Sea gulls do not fear me what-so-ever.

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4. I am a master poker player - I won $25 in my first poker game ever...yeah, it looked something like that...I'm the one with all the chips.

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5. I am a terrible fisherman - I give up on the idea of ever catching a fish. Even in the Gulf of Mexico I couldn't get one to bite. I think it's a conspiracy of the aquatic life to leave me feeling defeated any time I step on the scene with fishing pole in hand...well, I quit. If she can do it...then they must be conspiring against me - I refuse to accept any other explanation.
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7. It is possible to hit rush hour in San Antonio, Austin and Waco all in the same day...and it sucks.
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8. And finally, I lived a truly blessed life. When I have the ability to spend 3 days in the midst of the 600 kids and Lord and then fly to the beach to stay in a beach house with a family that is not my own, but who treats me as if I were where I am able to lay on the beach in front of what I consider to be one of God's most amazing creations and just do nothing but bask in His sun and enjoy His sky and His clouds and His waves breaking on the shore and just take it all in....it humbles me to think a/b where I was 7 years ago and to think about where He's brought me since then. I am blessed beyond anything I could have ever imagined then and I am deeply grateful for where I am and for the people the Lord has planted in my life.
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It's been a wonderful week - hopefully I'll have some real pictures to share soon. I hope everyone is well and happy! Have a safe holiday weekend and I love you all!

Blast from the past...

God's Longing...
To the listening ear I speak, to the waiting heart I come. Sometimes, I may not speak. I may ask you merely to wait in My Presence, to know that I am with you. Think of the multitudes, who thronged Me, when I was on earth, all eager for something. Eager to be healed, or taught, or fed. Think as I supplied their many wants, and granted their manifold requests, what it meant to be Me. To find amid the crowd, some one or two, who followed Me just to be near Me, just to dwell in My Presence. How some longing of the Eternal Heart was satisfied thereby.Comfort Me awhile, by letting Me know that you would seek Me just to dwell in My presence, to be near Me, not even for teaching, not for material gain, not even for a message--but for Me. The longing of the human heart to be loved for itself is a something caught from the Great Divine Heart.-God Calling

Sorry to recycle material here, but I originally posted the above excerpt back in October of 2005...recently it was thrust to the forefront of my thoughts, by no accident I am sure. I'm struck with the absolute truth found within its words and with how that truth is so important to never be forgotten. There is so much peace found in just resting with Him, without expectation, without ulterior motive. Come to the feet of Jesus and do not seek, do not ask, do not search...just be still. Long just His presence because it is that glorious. Stop asking questions, stop seeking gifts or power and just for one true and pure moment seek the Givers face above all. Do not set your mind on the blessing to come, but on the blessing already present in just being near Him. I don't think that I can learn that lesson too many times. With so many prayers for peace, or knowledge or wisdom or blessings, at some point in the midst of it all I must learn that I don't have to go to Him with a request or a need, that I can go to Him just for the heck of it...in fact He wants us to...and as it says in the above passage, there is an eternal longing of the heart that is satisfied in nothing more than just being near Him. Being still and resting at the feet of our Lord will never go w/o reward or fulfillment...sometimes I wonder if it isn't the best kind.

Wow...

Lord oh Lord, I stand in awe...I'm not sure that I'll have the ability to compose a coherant post here, but I feel the need to write something...anything, to convey my utter amazement and gratitude for the way in which the Lord moves His hands throughout our lives. For the past few weeks I have walked in a season of confusion, restlessness and out right desperation...for answers, for clarity for anything to prove that I wasn't losing my mind. Calls for action that didn't make sense, and that challenged my logic. Walks in obedience that challenged my convictions, tore at my flesh and then grieved my spirit in the deepest ways imaginable. And in the moments when I thought that I had reached my absolute limit, the point of breaking, the Lord came to the rescue and just set it all free. In a word to a faithful servant, who delivered it on command my mind and my spirit were released of all the unrest and all of the confusion. All of it. Not only did He set me free, but He made it all make sense...He packaged it with a nice little bow and said, "here you go, this is why..." and I see now that it is the most beautiful package I have ever seen. And what's even better is that he's got more packages full of revelation and purpose just waiting to be unwrapped.
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Tonight there was a message given on 2 Samual6:12-21. It's about David as he dances and becomes overwhelmed with joy for the Lord before an entire city and before his wife Michal. While the majority there are focused on God and are captivated by the wonderful display of rejoicing, Michal is instead focused on the presence of men and misses the presence of God. The Lord spoke to me, asking...what are you focused on? What are you looking at? Where am I in your field of vision? Yikes!
He deserves so much more than our peripheral vision...He doesn't want us looking at the world with our eyes while just trying to keep Him in the peripheral of our view...the distraction causes His image to blur - His features become unclear while the rest of the world is crystal clear. He wants us face to face, our eyes locked on His...keep the world in our peripheral, not the other way around! Let the world become blurred, let it become unclear and unimportant because God is the only thing that can make everything else make sense. Trying to do it backwards is simply a recipe for confusion and uncertainty. Look to the face of God, not to the image of man. Seek His expression of affirmation, fear His expression of disapproval and not that of men. That is what He is showing me right now. He has to be in our direct line of sight. He has to be our final destination - not the job, not the house, not the wife or the husband, not the kids, not the 'future' here on earth, but only the eternal future of heaven. If we're not looking right at Him, the world becomes our source of explanation and attempted justification for our circumstances. It will never make sense. The problem here becomes, who of us is holy enough to stare into the face of God? Even Moses could only catch a glimpse and that was enough to bring him to the ground. By our very birth we are not worthy to stand before Him, we would be burned up in His perfect Holiness. But I know one man who is...and I know that many were graced with the ability to look into His eyes and touch His face. To look into the eyes of our saviour, it is the only way we can get to the eyes and the heart of God. It is our right of passage, our buffer zone - and how wonderful is our God that He would give us the opportunity to look with confidence into His very own eyes?? Not of our own accord, but through the eyes and the blood of Christ? It is unimaginable to our human minds and that's how we know it is God - what earthly man could conceive of such love and grace and mercy?
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Tonight, the Lord showed me what it looks like to bring His face into full view. No flesh, no world, no distraction. In a moment that by all wordly standards should have been full of heartache and sorrow, the Lord spoke Nehamiah 8 into my life and it could not have been a more fitting passage for the occassion:

Nehamiah 8:9-11

Then Nehemiah the governor, Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who were instructing the people said to them all, "This day is sacred to the LORD your God. Do not mourn or weep." For all the people had been weeping as they listened to the words of the Law.
Nehemiah said, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."
The Levites calmed all the people, saying, "Be still, for this is a sacred day. Do not grieve

How could I argue with that?? And when you're acting in the direct will of God...He will make sure you know it - b/c in that moment that should be so hard there will be joy and peace and confirmation. The Lord is good, He hears us when we pray and when we cry out and HE IS WORKING -- He works continuously. Above our understanding He is constantly weaving and intertwining our paths with such purpose and intricacy that we will never understand or know the extent of His abilities. We were never meant to. He is awesome and He is astounding and He is beautiful...
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And they were calling to one another: "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory."

Isaiah 6:3

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Told you it would be random :) But I feel some relief - that burning in me that just wants to shout it out - it's not gone, but at least I can sleep now. The work is just beginning and I am eagerly anticipating what is to come, for me and for others that I know are going to be touched by His very hands. Thank you, thank you, thank you Lord God for you answered prayers and for your merciful ways - my hands cannot reach high enough and my voice cannot be loud enough to praise you or thank you as deserved...but I'll never stop trying to express it, becaue you'll never stop pouring it out. Thank you Lord...

Reconstruction...

Ha, or maybe the next 500 miles...more on that in a moment though...
It's amazing to me the ways in which the Lord heals, He moves, He provides. Over the course of the past 2 weeks I think I have experienced more emotion than was ever intended to take place within a human being at one time. I mean, really, is it honestly possible to feel confused but sure, angry but joyful, broken but at peace, restless but still, helpless but empowered, terrified and hopeful all at the exact same time? At first it sounds like the perfect description of Cybil and her 30 or more different personalities and honestly that might be a little what it felt like, but it's definitely possible, especially when you're starving your flesh to exhalt your spirit. The battle is fierce. Looking back on it, I never want to feel it again and yet part of me knows it was so good and so incredibly pleasing for the Lord. When has He ever heard me cry for Him so deeply, or ache so desperately for just a whisper of His presence? Sitting on the other side, feeling like the pieces are coming back together - I think I'm realizing the purpose...gaining more understanding with every passing day. During a recent soaking/prayer time the Lord showed me some really random memories from my childhood - things that I think have a lot more to do with my 'today' than I can understand right now, which I'm praying about with great expectation. He's showed me some really old, really deep, and really infected wounds that I've never taken care of and I'm praying that soon He'll show me how to mend those...All of that said simply to say this...those revelations never would have come if not for the crazy state of emotions that ran wild within me for a week. It's baffling to me the things that come out of our times of perceived confusion and chaos - things get really introspective, and I suppose that's when the proverbial 'road work' really begins.
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One of the most important things I think I've learned is that knowing with your head, is never the same as understanding with your heart. There are things I know...I know that I know...and yet I realize I don't know it in the core of my heart, and so, there is unrest. For example...unconditional love. Growing up, I never knew it or felt it, not even from the very people who are expected to give it. My own parents, for reasons we'll not go into, disowned 2 of their children (me being one of them) for reasons that to this day still baffle me. Without missing a beat, I was unknown to them for over 3 years...there were no phone calls, no holidays, no family dinners, no guidance. Nothing. Consequently, I have been conditioned to believe that love is never truly unconditional...if not even my mother and father could give it to me, then who possibly could? Friends come and go, life happens, disagreements occur and life goes on. Unfortunately, this manifests itself in most of my relationships and more importantly, in my relationship with God. Ding-ding, revelation #1, I don't understand the concept of unconditional love, even from my own creator and that makes for huge problems! It leads to the need to please, and then guilt and terrible condemnation when I don't. In my world with God and even in my relationships here it creates anxiety, disconnection for fear of abandonment (never getting too attached), and self induced pressure built on this belief that if I mess up one too many times or in that one really wrong way, it's all over. While I know in my head that God doesn't work that way, and most other people don't either, I'm beginning to know that my heart hasn't fully received that revelation yet. I don't know if it's something I can do for myself though, I'm just praying God will show me, and reveal it to me so I can walk freely in it and break the lie. I know without a doubt that I was made to love God...the life He divinely brought me out of is proof enough. So why should I ever doubt that He would forever love me in return? Or better yet, that He loved me first?! I know some of you can relate to this, and I know some of you may be reading this, thinking, well of course! Duh... Yeah, it should be so simple to grasp and yet it's amazing how the things of our past and the lies of the enemy completely alter our perception of truth. It becomes so rooted that it's barely recognizable, even to ourselves. And that, my friends, is why it takes such seemingly drastic measures on the part of God to show us our wounds so we can see them for what they are and then learn how to lay them down at His feet. Without that refining we would be destined to a life of misery, trapped in the deceipt of our pasts. I do feel the need, however, to say that I appreciate the things birthed from that specific part of my life. God is truly amazing and continually proves that He works goodness out of any situation. While I can't comprehend the idea of receiving unconditional love...I can most surely give it. For those that I love, those that I care about, my dear friends reading this - please rest assure that I can confidently tell you there is absolutely, positively, nothing in this world you could ever do that would ever make me love you any less...it's just not possible. I pray that you hear my passion in those words. Sometimes it can feel like a foolish loyalty, but I imagine it was born out of the desire to never place the conditions I felt were placed on me, onto anyone else...ever. For that alone, I could never regret the past...how could I?
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This time has been about much more than just that though - it's been filled with many things and many revelations of the same nature...and it's been challenging I won't lie - but in that, I can appreciate the neccessity of it and the purpose for the challenge. Nobody said it was easy to surrender, and sometimes it would be easier to run from it...and yet I know there's no solace found in running away from surrender but only in running after Jesus with such tenacity that the pain of the challenge gets lost in the glory of His presence. Hmmm - I pray all of you go through it if you haven't already, and that if you have, He'll give you more. Because, I'm pretty darn sure that it only bears fruit, and there's a lifetime of this sort of thing ahead of every one of us.
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Wow, I wasn't really planning on getting so personal when I sat down at the computer...hadn't even intended to blog and this topic certainly wasn't on my mind - it just sort of came out. I'll take that as a sign. Confession is priceless as it says in one of my most cherished Psalms...
I think that's a good place to close it down...
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Psalm 32:3-5

When I kept silent,

my bones wasted away

through my groaning all day long.

For night and day

your hand was heavy upon me;

my strength was sapped

as in the heat of summer.

Then I acknowledged my sin to you

and did not cover up my iniquity.

I said, "I will confess my transgressions

to the LORD"

and you forgave

the guilt of my sin.