I guess it's been a few days since I've posted so I'm feeling the need to make up for lost time, two in one day... Really, this is something I've been sitting on for a while. Not really ready to push the publish button...tonight I finally took the plunge. It's a very personal and close to home post, one which brings feelings of anxiety - I'm taking that as a sign that publishing it is the right thing to do...a little stretching of the spirit. Funny thing is - It's not that I really believe all that many people read this - and so it's not the fear of people seeing or knowing, just that it is out there...no longer in the privacy of my journal or my mind that scares me - it's a very vulnerable feeling, one that I typically avoid like the plauge. All that said, here goes nothin'.
For seven years I have faced an affliction that has at times consumed me and that has at times been my best friend. Nearly a third of my life spent fighting, hurting, hiding, wallowing, pretending and lying. For those of you who don't know - well - surprise, surprise...7 years ago I dove into an eating disorder - obviously, not purposfully and not understanding what I was doing or what the ramifications would be. None the less, I embarked on a journey which would threaten my life, my relationships and my sanity. I could spend hours telling you about how the Lord has brought me through that - and if you're interested I'd be happy to, but right now I want to post something that I journaled on 12/11/2003. I read it tonight for the first time since I wrote it and it is still the most accurate depiction of this disease that I could ever paint - it is more or less a representation of the journey I have taken (and am still taking) through this period of my life...you may get nothing out of it - but reading it tonight just touched me - it moved me and it stirred a gratitude in my heart for the way that the Lord has worked in me and in my life...
This thing that lives in me - I have no idea where it came from, why it chose me, or maybe....why I chose it. It lives in me like a parasite - feeding on my weakness, and on my simple mind. Every time I feed it - it grows larger, until it seems to be larger than life itself.
At times it feels like a faceless demon, sitting patiently on my shoulder - whispering obscenities in my ear. He creates a facade, an oasis, which is seemingly attractive and comforting. He lures me in with false promises of beauty, love, control and power. This demon, it is there always, filling me with desire, until it is almost unbearable. He is ever so patient, alluring me, befriending me, waiting until I am unknowingly trapped and no longer in control, until I have lost all power. Then, without warning, like out of a hellish nightmare, this world of beauty that I once treasured and adored slowly unravels and it is shown for what it truly is, and has always been. It is a desolate place, full of lonliness, lies and despair. It is a pit of nothingness - a place where you lose yourself, and where eventually, you forget what "you" really were.
This demon no longer talks of beautiful things, but ridicules me, telling me time and time again, how weak I am, what a failure I am. Laughing in my face, taunting me.
He digs in, consuming my every thought, my every action, my every word. The harder I struggle, the further he digs. This thing....it is drowning me....only allowing me enough air to sustain life. He tells me that I will *never* win - that I will *never* be free again. That I will end up alone, unloved, and powerless - and even then, he will never let me go. I feel trapped at times - like I'm in a box - kicking and screaming for someone to save me from this thing that has overtaken me. I grow tired, with every wound and failed attempt I am exhausted from the fighting. Eventually I allow myself to be taken fully. The lies become burried so deep within me that I succumb to this thing...I have lost myself. My words are not my own...my actions are not my own. Please don't leave me, please don't hate me - this isn't who I am.....somewhere inside, this isn't who I am.
And when the bottom is near, when the darkness is pressing on my chest like a weight. When I am physically a shadow of what I was - when I am mentally empty - when I have given up, I see....a glimmer of light. A faint whisper of hope brushes my cheek - for an instant. It's fleeting, evading me, yet I can still sense it. So close, almost close enough to touch. I feebly raise a hand, and I reach, and instantly the demon is upon me. Asking how I will ever live with out him. How could I ever do it on my own? I am nothing, no one, I have no thoughts of my own, no purpose to serve...this is who I am, it is how I was created, it is my destiny. But I reach anyway, clinging to the hope that there is something more, straining until I want to scream - silently begging for mercy.
I begin to pray feverishly - for the first time...and the demon stops, and stares, and waits, and wonders. Anger is beginning to swell w/in me, so fierce and so full of fury that it is on the verge of exploding. For all the lies, for all the hatred. For all those that I have broken, for all those that I have hurt. For the lost friends and the hurtful words. For my lost innocense. For the me I have lost along the way. I am fully broken, on my knees screaming and sobbing for a Saviour. The demon withers in fear, he tells me to stop, pleads with me to end this foolishness. He is in pain, and is shrieking. He and I, both fighting desperately to survive, and still.....I pray.
I can see rays of light, penetrating through the dark walls of my box. One at a time, they come, and I welcome them. With every bit of light that shines in, a whisper of strength is breathed into my body. As I slowly begin breaking the chains that have bound me for so long, I begin to call out the lies and to call on the One who is truth. I will fight with the very last fiber of my being, to find myself again.
And the fight continues. The battle to rebuild, to reconstruct, to make new again. Every day, making the effort, beating the demon back into its hole. Every day facing the light - and seeking His face....to guide me and walk with me through this day of trials. My hope, my light, my saviour - you have saved me yet again......
If you've made it this far...thanks for reading -- as I said in the beginning it has taken me days to finally hit the 'post' button on this entry. And finally I came to the conclusion that it is a story worth telling - it is a testimony to what the Lord started doing once I declared that I would seek His will - once I proclaimed that I desired to be healed. The question Jesus asks the lame "do you want to get well" is a question with much validity...for so long there was not a true desire in my heart to get well - there was still benefit and pleasure in my addictions...I desired not to be healed in Gods way, but in my own way. Lord take my affliction, but let me stay the same as I am now. The true question is - are you willing to do what it takes to receive your healing. Are you willing to endure the temporary pain for a lifetime of reward in Christ?
Life is much sweeter now - the demon is no longer there, my box has been broken, and my saviour did rescue me with grace and mercy and love. What a wonderful God we serve, that He would pursue me in such ways...that He would draw me out of my own personal hell - that He would call me to serve in His kingdom. I can proclaim a freedom today that at one time I could not understand - I can proclaim joy in place of my sorrow and finally I receive my crown of beauty instead of ashes...
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Excerpts of soaking...
Monday was once again an enlightening session of soaking in the presence of the Father...It never ceases to amaze me - during these sessions I'm always plagued with this itty bitty voice questioning if I'm getting anything out of this...Am I really soaking?? And then after the fact as I sit and reflect, I begin to recall the revelations given during this precious time and I'm filled again with the peace and the increased faith that He is there always...
This week I was prompted to write during my time w/ the Lord - I had to go back and re-read what I wrote b/c I couldn't really recall, only that He was revealing areas in me that still desperately need work....here is a paragraph that I found particularly true in my life...
Let go of yourself and you will find the experience and the freedom you are seeking. I speak to you often and you are still too much in the way, too present, to let my soft whispers penetrate into the depths of your soul. Sweet child just rest a while, stop trying, you were not created for such things. You were not created to survive alone and to sustain yourself but with specific weaknesses that you might recognize your need for Me, your Creator. This is why you should rejoice in these weaknesses, your proverbial thorns, for it is in these that you find Me.
Hmmm, good stuff Lord - and oh so true. I still find myself thinking w/ my head far too often - just when He is trying to show me another glimpse - my head interrupts with logic and reason, things that the Lord wants nothing to do with. Our God is not logical, He is not reasonable by our standards...trying to find Him with our minds will never be sufficient. Only our spirits could possibly come close to grasping Him...only our spirits, which were born of Him, could possibly hear and comprehend the language that He speaks.
Rejoicing in my weakness is something that can be so difficult, we find His strength here, and yet it can still be so painful to face it and overcome - obviously this is the case so that we can give the glory to no one other than God, and at the same time it can be a second by second battle in which our choice to follow Him over our own selves hangs in limbo.
"Let go of yourself" -- four very small insignificant words in the human language, but when put together, one of the hardest things to accomplish in a lifetime. It is really something that must be done daily b/c our 'self' can be so consuming that it will overshadow anything that He is trying to accomplish. Oh, but the times that I am able to fully put myself aside, the reward is so great, so good. Our Lord is always faithful and His promises are never empty. He says that if we seek Him we shall find - not seek gifts or words or wisdom, but seek Him - the rest is just an overflow of what He is.
Isaiah 6
...I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings; with two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet , and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:
"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory"
This week I was prompted to write during my time w/ the Lord - I had to go back and re-read what I wrote b/c I couldn't really recall, only that He was revealing areas in me that still desperately need work....here is a paragraph that I found particularly true in my life...
Let go of yourself and you will find the experience and the freedom you are seeking. I speak to you often and you are still too much in the way, too present, to let my soft whispers penetrate into the depths of your soul. Sweet child just rest a while, stop trying, you were not created for such things. You were not created to survive alone and to sustain yourself but with specific weaknesses that you might recognize your need for Me, your Creator. This is why you should rejoice in these weaknesses, your proverbial thorns, for it is in these that you find Me.
Hmmm, good stuff Lord - and oh so true. I still find myself thinking w/ my head far too often - just when He is trying to show me another glimpse - my head interrupts with logic and reason, things that the Lord wants nothing to do with. Our God is not logical, He is not reasonable by our standards...trying to find Him with our minds will never be sufficient. Only our spirits could possibly come close to grasping Him...only our spirits, which were born of Him, could possibly hear and comprehend the language that He speaks.
Rejoicing in my weakness is something that can be so difficult, we find His strength here, and yet it can still be so painful to face it and overcome - obviously this is the case so that we can give the glory to no one other than God, and at the same time it can be a second by second battle in which our choice to follow Him over our own selves hangs in limbo.
"Let go of yourself" -- four very small insignificant words in the human language, but when put together, one of the hardest things to accomplish in a lifetime. It is really something that must be done daily b/c our 'self' can be so consuming that it will overshadow anything that He is trying to accomplish. Oh, but the times that I am able to fully put myself aside, the reward is so great, so good. Our Lord is always faithful and His promises are never empty. He says that if we seek Him we shall find - not seek gifts or words or wisdom, but seek Him - the rest is just an overflow of what He is.
Isaiah 6
...I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings; with two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet , and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:
"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory"
Friday, October 21, 2005
Heavy...
It's the only word coming to me right now...my heart is just...heavy. There is a weight pressing in on me and it is crushing me from all angles. I can't quite pinpoint the origin, but it feels like it's coming from every possible direction.
I've noticed a correlation b/w these attacks and the sharing of my testimony...last night I was blessed with the opportunity to share some of my history with a sweet and precious sister - lo and behold, today was just one tremendously hard day...not just work - that wasn't it...just this feeling of failing...and not myself - but everyone else. One whole day of feeling utterly worthless and disconnected. The enemy is good at what he does I will give him that. I'm caught in this place of not knowing where I fit - what my roles are - where I'm going. These are worries shared by many I'm sure, and usually they're tucked away under the joy and trust of the Lord. Today, however, they're in the forefront of my mind - just spinning circles in there at a pace I can't quite keep up with. It's days like these that loneliness creeps in, I feel vulnerable and the exhaustion is overwhelming. I just want to curl up and be held, taken care of and protected.
My spirit is tugging at me though - trying to speak truth into the midst of it all. No fear child, you are loved and cared for by the One who can provide abundantly...the yolk I give you is light - give Me your worries and rest. Ah yes, rest.
I rebuke the lies in the name of Jesus - and I'm claiming that tomorrow I will rise with a renewed mind and spirit - the heaviness will be gone and I will walk steadfast in the knowledge and truth of Christ.
I know this post is random and a little erratic - the thoughts aren't quite flowing freely or clearly tonight, but, it's honesty in it's purest form...take it as you will.
I've noticed a correlation b/w these attacks and the sharing of my testimony...last night I was blessed with the opportunity to share some of my history with a sweet and precious sister - lo and behold, today was just one tremendously hard day...not just work - that wasn't it...just this feeling of failing...and not myself - but everyone else. One whole day of feeling utterly worthless and disconnected. The enemy is good at what he does I will give him that. I'm caught in this place of not knowing where I fit - what my roles are - where I'm going. These are worries shared by many I'm sure, and usually they're tucked away under the joy and trust of the Lord. Today, however, they're in the forefront of my mind - just spinning circles in there at a pace I can't quite keep up with. It's days like these that loneliness creeps in, I feel vulnerable and the exhaustion is overwhelming. I just want to curl up and be held, taken care of and protected.
My spirit is tugging at me though - trying to speak truth into the midst of it all. No fear child, you are loved and cared for by the One who can provide abundantly...the yolk I give you is light - give Me your worries and rest. Ah yes, rest.
I rebuke the lies in the name of Jesus - and I'm claiming that tomorrow I will rise with a renewed mind and spirit - the heaviness will be gone and I will walk steadfast in the knowledge and truth of Christ.
I know this post is random and a little erratic - the thoughts aren't quite flowing freely or clearly tonight, but, it's honesty in it's purest form...take it as you will.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Be near
I have read this passage at least 30 times in the last 24 hours - for some reason it is hitting me at my core...I can't get it out of my head. Read it slowly and soak it in...
God's Longing
To the listening ear I speak, to the waiting heart I come. Sometimes, I may not speak. I may ask you merely to wait in My Presence, to know that I am with you
Think of the multitudes, who thronged Me, when I was on earth, all eager for something. Eager to be healed, or taught, or fed. Think as I supplied their many wants, and granted their manifold requests, what it meant to be Me. To find amid the crowd, some one or two, who followed Me just to be near Me, just to dwell in My Presence. How some longing of the Eternal Heart was satisfied thereby.
Comfort Me awhile, by letting Me know that you would seek Me just to dwell in My presence, to be near Me, not even for teaching, not for material gain, not even for a message--but for Me. The longing of the human heart to be loved for itself is a something caught from the Great Divine Heart.
-God Calling
My goodness....how often do I find myself seeking the Lord for answers or a Word, or a message rather than just seeking to be near Him? It's no different than the friend who only calls you when they need or want something from you - it's hurtful and it's frustrating...why am I to think that God is any different? It's all part of the relationship with God - learning to be His friend and to seek Him as my best friend...any relationship is give and take, it cannot be one sided or it will ultimately end in bitterness and resentment. I think that this has been the shift in my spiritual journey lately - as I have truly desired just to sit with Him, and not ask of Him...there is great peace in just being His friend...giving Him time and companionship - the reward is much more than I could have ever asked for. The desire that is rooted in us to be loved unconditionally and completely for who we are is born directly of God's own desire to be loved, not for what He can do for us, but for who He is...for it is said that we are made by Him in His own image.
Lord forgive me for the times that I have sought the gifts over the Giver - renew in me daily the desire for Your company and friendship above all else. I seek to just be near You, to rest at your feet and to just dwell in who You are...b/c who You are is more than enough for me and simply dwelling in the mere fringes of Your presence is enough to fulfill any need or desire that bestows my heart.
God's Longing
To the listening ear I speak, to the waiting heart I come. Sometimes, I may not speak. I may ask you merely to wait in My Presence, to know that I am with you
Think of the multitudes, who thronged Me, when I was on earth, all eager for something. Eager to be healed, or taught, or fed. Think as I supplied their many wants, and granted their manifold requests, what it meant to be Me. To find amid the crowd, some one or two, who followed Me just to be near Me, just to dwell in My Presence. How some longing of the Eternal Heart was satisfied thereby.
Comfort Me awhile, by letting Me know that you would seek Me just to dwell in My presence, to be near Me, not even for teaching, not for material gain, not even for a message--but for Me. The longing of the human heart to be loved for itself is a something caught from the Great Divine Heart.
-God Calling
My goodness....how often do I find myself seeking the Lord for answers or a Word, or a message rather than just seeking to be near Him? It's no different than the friend who only calls you when they need or want something from you - it's hurtful and it's frustrating...why am I to think that God is any different? It's all part of the relationship with God - learning to be His friend and to seek Him as my best friend...any relationship is give and take, it cannot be one sided or it will ultimately end in bitterness and resentment. I think that this has been the shift in my spiritual journey lately - as I have truly desired just to sit with Him, and not ask of Him...there is great peace in just being His friend...giving Him time and companionship - the reward is much more than I could have ever asked for. The desire that is rooted in us to be loved unconditionally and completely for who we are is born directly of God's own desire to be loved, not for what He can do for us, but for who He is...for it is said that we are made by Him in His own image.
Lord forgive me for the times that I have sought the gifts over the Giver - renew in me daily the desire for Your company and friendship above all else. I seek to just be near You, to rest at your feet and to just dwell in who You are...b/c who You are is more than enough for me and simply dwelling in the mere fringes of Your presence is enough to fulfill any need or desire that bestows my heart.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Mighty and Marvelous
Glad indeed are the souls with whom I walk. Walking with Me is security. The coming of My Spirit into a life, and It's working are imperceptible. But the result is mighty.
Learn of Me. Kill the self. Every blow to self is used to shape the real, eternal, imperishable you.
When I died on the Cross, I died embodying all the human self. Once that was crucified, I could conquer even death.
When I bore your sins in My own body on the Tree I bore the self-human nature of the world. As you too kill self, you gain the overwhelming power I released for a weary world, and you too will be victorious.
It is not life and its difficulties you have to conquer, only the self in you. As I said to My disciples, "I have many things to say to you but you cannot bear them now." You could not understand them. But as you go on obeying Me and walking with Me, and listening to Me, you will, and then you will see how glorious, how marvelous My revelations are.
-God Calling
Wow, talk about chills - that is just amazing to me...To think that Christ completely conquered the human flesh - the human nature - the human desires so that we could also conquer and be victorious is such an empowering and yet overwhelming thought. I often think a/b Christ and get this super human image of Him - an image of someone larger than life, who could defeat all - when in reality He was but a simple man, walking in the same shoes you and I walk in today. That thought provokes feelings of complete inadequacy and at the same time, feelings of the greatest and deepest respect I have ever known. Just enduring my daily struggles is near impossible at times, and to think that this man, Christ, did it perfectly and blamelessly every day for 33 years so that we could fail to do it for even 1 is astounding. So incredibly humbling....it is truly a testimony of who He was, and of the One who sent Him.
Learn of Me. Kill the self. Every blow to self is used to shape the real, eternal, imperishable you.
When I died on the Cross, I died embodying all the human self. Once that was crucified, I could conquer even death.
When I bore your sins in My own body on the Tree I bore the self-human nature of the world. As you too kill self, you gain the overwhelming power I released for a weary world, and you too will be victorious.
It is not life and its difficulties you have to conquer, only the self in you. As I said to My disciples, "I have many things to say to you but you cannot bear them now." You could not understand them. But as you go on obeying Me and walking with Me, and listening to Me, you will, and then you will see how glorious, how marvelous My revelations are.
-God Calling
Wow, talk about chills - that is just amazing to me...To think that Christ completely conquered the human flesh - the human nature - the human desires so that we could also conquer and be victorious is such an empowering and yet overwhelming thought. I often think a/b Christ and get this super human image of Him - an image of someone larger than life, who could defeat all - when in reality He was but a simple man, walking in the same shoes you and I walk in today. That thought provokes feelings of complete inadequacy and at the same time, feelings of the greatest and deepest respect I have ever known. Just enduring my daily struggles is near impossible at times, and to think that this man, Christ, did it perfectly and blamelessly every day for 33 years so that we could fail to do it for even 1 is astounding. So incredibly humbling....it is truly a testimony of who He was, and of the One who sent Him.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Burning....
What can I do with my obsession
With the things I cannot see
Is there madness in my being
Is it the wind that moves the trees
Sometimes you're further than the moon
Sometimes you're closer than my skin
And you surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss
And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns...for you.
I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I'm suffering lord
I'm longing to be close
you burn me deeper than I know
I feel lonely without hope
I feel desperate w/o vision
You wrap around me like a winter cold
You come and free me like a bird.
And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns...for you.
*David Crowder Band
http://www.dcb01.com/recordings/index.php4
If you want to listen - it's on the Can You Hear Us CD
I'm sitting here and I'm remembering a time and a day when I didn't know the Lord...I belived in "God" but didn't serve Him and, honestly, I didn't really know what believing in God meant. I can remember a time when God was maybe a flicker of a thought every 6 months or so, when things were bad and even then it was rare.
I can remember this and at the same time I'm wondering how in the world I EVER survived it...all those years spent in the darkness, in the absolute wilderness wandering around like a lost child - having no knowledge of this entire world that existed around me. How did I EVER go an entire day without thinking about and talking to God - walking around as though I were capable of existing on my own, walking around in complete defiance to God - and it pains my heart to even think about it.
The depths of my gratitude at this point are beyond explanation - I stand in utter and complete awe of the Lord who called me out, who drug me out and into His presence. The place I come from is death. The world I grew up in was death...nothing less. For as much as my parents may have tried to love me - they didn't stand a chance b/c they don't know my God - and they can't possibly know Love. They created wounds and scars deep in my soul that they will never know about or understand simply because they didn't know Love...Lucky for me that I do - and that my sould can be repaired and restored and that I have a spirit born of God..
My Lord, I am so indebted to You for putting me in a place where i could finally experience what it means to be loved...unconditionally. My heart is so full right now, full of thanksgiving and gratitude b/c I am so truly blessed...and as the tears of joy choke up in my throat, I can't help but proclaim that I will never go another day as long as I live w/o speaking to my saviour. There is comfort in that - and I rest in knowing that You will always be there to receive me.
My heart is on fire right now - burning with a passion and a desire to know You so intimately that there isn't a shred of myself left...less of me and more of You Lord......My heart burns, it burns for you and it yearns for you in a way that I never knew it could...give me more Lord...
With the things I cannot see
Is there madness in my being
Is it the wind that moves the trees
Sometimes you're further than the moon
Sometimes you're closer than my skin
And you surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss
And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns...for you.
I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I'm suffering lord
I'm longing to be close
you burn me deeper than I know
I feel lonely without hope
I feel desperate w/o vision
You wrap around me like a winter cold
You come and free me like a bird.
And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns...for you.
*David Crowder Band
http://www.dcb01.com/recordings/index.php4
If you want to listen - it's on the Can You Hear Us CD
I'm sitting here and I'm remembering a time and a day when I didn't know the Lord...I belived in "God" but didn't serve Him and, honestly, I didn't really know what believing in God meant. I can remember a time when God was maybe a flicker of a thought every 6 months or so, when things were bad and even then it was rare.
I can remember this and at the same time I'm wondering how in the world I EVER survived it...all those years spent in the darkness, in the absolute wilderness wandering around like a lost child - having no knowledge of this entire world that existed around me. How did I EVER go an entire day without thinking about and talking to God - walking around as though I were capable of existing on my own, walking around in complete defiance to God - and it pains my heart to even think about it.
The depths of my gratitude at this point are beyond explanation - I stand in utter and complete awe of the Lord who called me out, who drug me out and into His presence. The place I come from is death. The world I grew up in was death...nothing less. For as much as my parents may have tried to love me - they didn't stand a chance b/c they don't know my God - and they can't possibly know Love. They created wounds and scars deep in my soul that they will never know about or understand simply because they didn't know Love...Lucky for me that I do - and that my sould can be repaired and restored and that I have a spirit born of God..
My Lord, I am so indebted to You for putting me in a place where i could finally experience what it means to be loved...unconditionally. My heart is so full right now, full of thanksgiving and gratitude b/c I am so truly blessed...and as the tears of joy choke up in my throat, I can't help but proclaim that I will never go another day as long as I live w/o speaking to my saviour. There is comfort in that - and I rest in knowing that You will always be there to receive me.
My heart is on fire right now - burning with a passion and a desire to know You so intimately that there isn't a shred of myself left...less of me and more of You Lord......My heart burns, it burns for you and it yearns for you in a way that I never knew it could...give me more Lord...
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Victory!
Okay, so the day's not quite over, but darn it - what a day it's been!
This morning I was pretty sure that it was going to be a typical pre-retreat, miserable bust of a day - I wasn't feeling well, I walked into work half asleep and my mind was going crazy....lies, lies, lies.
I sat at my desk for at least the first 2 hours in a paralyzing panic attack over the days workload, over the things (lies) running through my head, over my frustration...I almost broke, and for those who know me, you know exactly what that means....I don't think I can convey the pain and torment and the utter chaos involved in fighting this war that rages in my head at times - I know that no one else could possibly understand and would likely think I'm being overly dramatic about it, but all I wanted was to silence my mind - and I knew exactly what would do that for me - ahhh, immediate gratification, right? That's what I've always been about in the past. Oh but today the word "past" is the key word in that sentence...
I'm not really sure how it all went down...it was a minute by minute morning. Every thought was a struggle, and man I can't say that I have ever experienced such a battle field in my mind. Taking every thought captive and replacing it with the simple word "identity" over and over for what felt like an eternity. I sought prayer from a good sister and by the grace of God and His answered prayers the desire to just toss in the towel on this complete restoration and deliverance in my life slowly dwindled until it was actually turned into a determination and a desire to stick it out. Given this mornings exact circumstances just a week or so ago and it would have been over in a/b 10 minutes - white flag, I give up, just shut my brain up and I'll do whatever it takes....and I would have.
I am so filled with JOY right now b/c this victory (although some may view as small) is freaking monumental people.....MONUMENTAL, that's right. Oh - praise God, I wish I could do a dance for Him right now - maybe even on top of my desk - although that may cause some question of my current mental state from co-workers...still - I am just - well - I don't know what I am....just overjoyed, elated, exhuberant maybe? I have experienced victory - today's victory and I'm walking now in the fruit of true obedience to the Lord.
What a great day - and now I'm off to worship the mighty One who made it all possible :)
This morning I was pretty sure that it was going to be a typical pre-retreat, miserable bust of a day - I wasn't feeling well, I walked into work half asleep and my mind was going crazy....lies, lies, lies.
I sat at my desk for at least the first 2 hours in a paralyzing panic attack over the days workload, over the things (lies) running through my head, over my frustration...I almost broke, and for those who know me, you know exactly what that means....I don't think I can convey the pain and torment and the utter chaos involved in fighting this war that rages in my head at times - I know that no one else could possibly understand and would likely think I'm being overly dramatic about it, but all I wanted was to silence my mind - and I knew exactly what would do that for me - ahhh, immediate gratification, right? That's what I've always been about in the past. Oh but today the word "past" is the key word in that sentence...
I'm not really sure how it all went down...it was a minute by minute morning. Every thought was a struggle, and man I can't say that I have ever experienced such a battle field in my mind. Taking every thought captive and replacing it with the simple word "identity" over and over for what felt like an eternity. I sought prayer from a good sister and by the grace of God and His answered prayers the desire to just toss in the towel on this complete restoration and deliverance in my life slowly dwindled until it was actually turned into a determination and a desire to stick it out. Given this mornings exact circumstances just a week or so ago and it would have been over in a/b 10 minutes - white flag, I give up, just shut my brain up and I'll do whatever it takes....and I would have.
I am so filled with JOY right now b/c this victory (although some may view as small) is freaking monumental people.....MONUMENTAL, that's right. Oh - praise God, I wish I could do a dance for Him right now - maybe even on top of my desk - although that may cause some question of my current mental state from co-workers...still - I am just - well - I don't know what I am....just overjoyed, elated, exhuberant maybe? I have experienced victory - today's victory and I'm walking now in the fruit of true obedience to the Lord.
What a great day - and now I'm off to worship the mighty One who made it all possible :)
Monday, October 10, 2005
Amazing Grace
Tonight - I had so many things I wanted to write about that I couldn't focus on one particular line of thought, all of it just jumbled in my brain and flowing at such an intense pace - it was frustrating me...so I flipped on the worship music and invited Him in - and then I closed my eyes and just typed - this is the un-edited result - maybe not the most eloquent words I have ever produced, but born of the spirit and of my heart for Him - hopefully the words were meant to bless some random soul that happens to be stopping by...
For it's only by the blood of Christ that He makes atonement for my soul and this will always be enough to cover this sins I commit against Him. Who are we to think that we could ever have the answer or the power to work or do our way into His presence? We were created by a potter of clay, by the master of all creation, we were created just as he would have us be, we were made specifically and a purposefully to fit into the master design of His glory. We are each here to serve specific roles in his kingdom, each day is new and each has been carefully orchestrated by the Father. The father who ineed loves us so much that he spilled his own holy blood to cover us in a grace and mercy so thick that it could never be wiped away. Blood that is so pure and holy that it could never be tainted. He is whispering to us daily, his words of love and caring. He is constantly breathing His love into our lives and is constantly working around us and in us whether or not our spirits are sensitive to the fact.
O, I am overwhelmingly grateful for the people he has so blessed me with - I would consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world to have the handful of people in my life who love me so much, the people that God created to do just that and who he put in my path in a divine manner to open my heart to Him and his glory. It makes my heart ache with joy and laughter b/c I feel as though I could never fully appreciate these gifts in a way that would measure up to Him.
His touch is so gently and light, sometimes seemingly not even there, but that is the beauty in our God, that he is there at all times and yet he chooses not to show himself until we are ready to fully understand and appreciate what he has done for us. It's all for his glory and what an amazingly clever and powerful God we serve. . How do I express gratitude such as this...how do I fully show my thanksgiving at the blessings he has poured into my life? I serve him to my fullest, and honor him in every relationship and action of my life. I die to him daily and allow him to use me to bless others as many have blessed me.
Lord I desire so much to be used by you, to be a vessel. I want to be your word and touch in someone else's life, I want to be the glimmer of you that they may only see once in their lifetime. Be near to me, so that I can sense you always and feel you in my daily walk. Finish the work you have started in me and prepare me for the great things you have in store. I am ready Lord, I am ready to see what awaits me. You said to ask it in your name and receive - and Lord I only ask for more of you - a fulfilling in my spirit, and an abundant overflow into the lives of others. I ask for your wisdom and for the ability to worship you in a way that is pleasing to you.
1 Timothy 12
I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service
For it's only by the blood of Christ that He makes atonement for my soul and this will always be enough to cover this sins I commit against Him. Who are we to think that we could ever have the answer or the power to work or do our way into His presence? We were created by a potter of clay, by the master of all creation, we were created just as he would have us be, we were made specifically and a purposefully to fit into the master design of His glory. We are each here to serve specific roles in his kingdom, each day is new and each has been carefully orchestrated by the Father. The father who ineed loves us so much that he spilled his own holy blood to cover us in a grace and mercy so thick that it could never be wiped away. Blood that is so pure and holy that it could never be tainted. He is whispering to us daily, his words of love and caring. He is constantly breathing His love into our lives and is constantly working around us and in us whether or not our spirits are sensitive to the fact.
O, I am overwhelmingly grateful for the people he has so blessed me with - I would consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world to have the handful of people in my life who love me so much, the people that God created to do just that and who he put in my path in a divine manner to open my heart to Him and his glory. It makes my heart ache with joy and laughter b/c I feel as though I could never fully appreciate these gifts in a way that would measure up to Him.
His touch is so gently and light, sometimes seemingly not even there, but that is the beauty in our God, that he is there at all times and yet he chooses not to show himself until we are ready to fully understand and appreciate what he has done for us. It's all for his glory and what an amazingly clever and powerful God we serve. . How do I express gratitude such as this...how do I fully show my thanksgiving at the blessings he has poured into my life? I serve him to my fullest, and honor him in every relationship and action of my life. I die to him daily and allow him to use me to bless others as many have blessed me.
Lord I desire so much to be used by you, to be a vessel. I want to be your word and touch in someone else's life, I want to be the glimmer of you that they may only see once in their lifetime. Be near to me, so that I can sense you always and feel you in my daily walk. Finish the work you have started in me and prepare me for the great things you have in store. I am ready Lord, I am ready to see what awaits me. You said to ask it in your name and receive - and Lord I only ask for more of you - a fulfilling in my spirit, and an abundant overflow into the lives of others. I ask for your wisdom and for the ability to worship you in a way that is pleasing to you.
1 Timothy 12
I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service
Sunday, October 09, 2005
God's box...
Job 11:7-9
Can you fathom the mysteries of God?
Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?
They are higher than the heavens-what can you do?
They are deeper than the depths of the grave-what can you know?
The measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea.
It's the box I put Him in that defines the power He has in my life...
This weekend my box grew leaps and bounds.
The past few weeks have been a prelude to a spiritual awakening in my soul. Praise the almighty God above who is so great and who is constantly working in our lives for our own good and for His own glory. Praise be to the God who is so willing to extend his grace and mercy to me, seemingly so unworthy. And the God who sees me, in the midst of so much, and who answers my call.
John 11:40
Did I not tell you that if you belived, you would see the glory of God? His glory has been seen and witnessed by so many. I have witnessed a display so consuming that it cannot be denied. A spirit so thick that it drives me to my knees in awe and thanksgiving.
This weekend I have found my identity. Ah, what an amazing revelation I was given. While my behavior has been changing...it has been such a battle b/c my identity has not. I have still been finding my value and identity in outward appearance and so my spirit and my soul have been at war over the course of the past 3 months with my flesh waiting in the balance, everyday, waiting to see which one would win the daily battle. Today the war ends...it ends in the name of Jesus b/c I am now claiming my identity in Christ. I have been claimed and purchased and my identity depends on no one but the God who created me.
My God who so carefully created me and then diligently smoothed the edges until I could be a reflection of His light. I receive the words that were spoken to me this weekend...that I AM a mighty woman of God, with beauty that has been set above others, with a heart made to serve him and with a purpose greater than I could possibly comprehend.
Oh Lord, I am earnestly seeking your gifts and your purpose in my life. That you would reveal to me in some way what it is you have made me for. I am seeking sensitivity in my spirit so that I can hear you speak to me...please quiet my mind so that my spirit might hear and understand the words you are giving me.
Speak to me in all places and give me the courage to act on your words - make me a true vessel for your work at ALL times and not just within the body of Christ. You are so good Lord, so good - and I just invite your spirit to dwell in me at all times so that I may be filled with a joy that others can't understand...but will be drawn to.
Give me the courage to be hated by those who don't know you - and to persevere in light of it.
I have been given something this weekend which has the potential to change my life as I've known it and I pray that I will allow it to do so. No more will I hinder my joy for the sake of others...no more will I hide my progress to spare those who aren't - and no more will I hide in the comfort zone of my past. Thank you Lord for what you have provided and for the way in which you work...there are no words...
Can you fathom the mysteries of God?
Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?
They are higher than the heavens-what can you do?
They are deeper than the depths of the grave-what can you know?
The measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea.
It's the box I put Him in that defines the power He has in my life...
This weekend my box grew leaps and bounds.
The past few weeks have been a prelude to a spiritual awakening in my soul. Praise the almighty God above who is so great and who is constantly working in our lives for our own good and for His own glory. Praise be to the God who is so willing to extend his grace and mercy to me, seemingly so unworthy. And the God who sees me, in the midst of so much, and who answers my call.
John 11:40
Did I not tell you that if you belived, you would see the glory of God? His glory has been seen and witnessed by so many. I have witnessed a display so consuming that it cannot be denied. A spirit so thick that it drives me to my knees in awe and thanksgiving.
This weekend I have found my identity. Ah, what an amazing revelation I was given. While my behavior has been changing...it has been such a battle b/c my identity has not. I have still been finding my value and identity in outward appearance and so my spirit and my soul have been at war over the course of the past 3 months with my flesh waiting in the balance, everyday, waiting to see which one would win the daily battle. Today the war ends...it ends in the name of Jesus b/c I am now claiming my identity in Christ. I have been claimed and purchased and my identity depends on no one but the God who created me.
My God who so carefully created me and then diligently smoothed the edges until I could be a reflection of His light. I receive the words that were spoken to me this weekend...that I AM a mighty woman of God, with beauty that has been set above others, with a heart made to serve him and with a purpose greater than I could possibly comprehend.
Oh Lord, I am earnestly seeking your gifts and your purpose in my life. That you would reveal to me in some way what it is you have made me for. I am seeking sensitivity in my spirit so that I can hear you speak to me...please quiet my mind so that my spirit might hear and understand the words you are giving me.
Speak to me in all places and give me the courage to act on your words - make me a true vessel for your work at ALL times and not just within the body of Christ. You are so good Lord, so good - and I just invite your spirit to dwell in me at all times so that I may be filled with a joy that others can't understand...but will be drawn to.
Give me the courage to be hated by those who don't know you - and to persevere in light of it.
I have been given something this weekend which has the potential to change my life as I've known it and I pray that I will allow it to do so. No more will I hinder my joy for the sake of others...no more will I hide my progress to spare those who aren't - and no more will I hide in the comfort zone of my past. Thank you Lord for what you have provided and for the way in which you work...there are no words...
Thursday, October 06, 2005
...return to me...
Joel 2:12-13
"Even now", declares the Lord, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning".
Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.
How fitting that I received this scripture tonight during the Harp and Bowl prayer time at the church. During a time of fasting, and weeping would it be that I find this scripture in which the Lord is calling his people back to him. 'Return to me' - because we are the ones who choose to walk away, not the Lord. In times of distance we always seem to find ourselves asking 'Lord, where did you go?" and yet He tells us that He went no where but that it was us who fled, and that He has been ever so gently calling us back, wooing us back into his presence. And, oh, the homecoming is so sweet, so awaited and received with open arms. Praise be to the savior that would take us back again and again never holding our initial departure against us. He is SO merciful and good - so good. Praise the Lord for all that He is and all He provides...holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almightyy. Who was and is and is to come. Amen!
"Even now", declares the Lord, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning".
Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.
How fitting that I received this scripture tonight during the Harp and Bowl prayer time at the church. During a time of fasting, and weeping would it be that I find this scripture in which the Lord is calling his people back to him. 'Return to me' - because we are the ones who choose to walk away, not the Lord. In times of distance we always seem to find ourselves asking 'Lord, where did you go?" and yet He tells us that He went no where but that it was us who fled, and that He has been ever so gently calling us back, wooing us back into his presence. And, oh, the homecoming is so sweet, so awaited and received with open arms. Praise be to the savior that would take us back again and again never holding our initial departure against us. He is SO merciful and good - so good. Praise the Lord for all that He is and all He provides...holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almightyy. Who was and is and is to come. Amen!
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Ignorance is bliss...
Amen...I can remember a time when I was new in my faith, when I was just beginning my journey with the Lord and when by other's standards I was a mess, but I in my ignorance, was filled with the joy of knowing the grace and mercy of the Lord and was content on loving it. Things that I did back then that were less than perfect convicted me, but didn't interfere with my ability to worship. I was so consumed with being grateful for Christ and I worshipped and loved the Lord with all my heart. I felt Him near me. I heard Him often and experienced Him regularly. Yet today, I find my 'sins' somewhat defining my walk with Christ. Let me explain...
Being delivered of any particular bondage does not always mean it just goes away - it means you recognize your deliverance, your accept your deliverance and then walk in it. There are times of struggle and sometimes falling but there is always the deliverance. These days, the fallings hurt more, they affect me more, they linger...
Worse than that, they convict me which is good, and condemn me, which is bad. Am I any less saved now than I was then? Absolutely not, but my heart doesn't feel that way and at times I can't help but wish for the ignorance of my past when I wasn't so consumed w/ being perfect for the Lord, just on loving Him. Some would say that I'm becoming more sensitive to the Spirit, and I pray that's the case, but I'm sitting here wondering when my faith turned into just doing the right things rather than seeking to love Him - my goodness, how quickly and discreetly the change takes place! I've been so concerned with acting "properly" that I've ever so slightly drifted my attention from the One that heals and comforts to what other than myself.
Lord, forgive me for my failings and help me to seek you more. You are so holy and divine and I relinquish any thought or idea that I have any ability to 'do' the right things w/o you in my direct line of sight. I accept your gifts of grace and mercy and praise your holy, holy name for all that you provide to your children. Thank you Father for what you are doing in me and may your will always be done in my life.
Amen!
Being delivered of any particular bondage does not always mean it just goes away - it means you recognize your deliverance, your accept your deliverance and then walk in it. There are times of struggle and sometimes falling but there is always the deliverance. These days, the fallings hurt more, they affect me more, they linger...
Worse than that, they convict me which is good, and condemn me, which is bad. Am I any less saved now than I was then? Absolutely not, but my heart doesn't feel that way and at times I can't help but wish for the ignorance of my past when I wasn't so consumed w/ being perfect for the Lord, just on loving Him. Some would say that I'm becoming more sensitive to the Spirit, and I pray that's the case, but I'm sitting here wondering when my faith turned into just doing the right things rather than seeking to love Him - my goodness, how quickly and discreetly the change takes place! I've been so concerned with acting "properly" that I've ever so slightly drifted my attention from the One that heals and comforts to what other than myself.
Lord, forgive me for my failings and help me to seek you more. You are so holy and divine and I relinquish any thought or idea that I have any ability to 'do' the right things w/o you in my direct line of sight. I accept your gifts of grace and mercy and praise your holy, holy name for all that you provide to your children. Thank you Father for what you are doing in me and may your will always be done in my life.
Amen!
Monday, October 03, 2005
Hmmm...
That's about all I can say after tonights experience. This will likely be a post that lacks any sort of coherant order or logical sense, but please try to stick with me...Come Holy Spirit - the title of a seminar that I attended tonight tonight in leu of small group. I'd heard stories a/b the previous seminar and was very intrigued and ready to experience this - and so I went, in prayer, for the Lord to show this to me, and to show me what He was all about...whatever it was that I'd been missing - I wanted to see it.
Now, let's sort of recap my current spiritual state at the time...not really having a lot of great God experiences lately - sort of on auto pilot, really trying to figure out what I'm missing to hit that next level - a lot of questions popping up due to my inability to really feel or truly 'experience' Him right now. Needless to say I went into the evening hoping that maybe the Lord had some plans in store for me. Needing the Lord to have something for me.
The worship was nothing less than amazing - so spirit filled, I prayed and prayed and prayed - wanting Him to fill me up so bad, but refusing to manifest it out of my own desire...I sought a true and pure experience w/ Him, I wanted all of Him...
The speakers were amazing - and the Lord hit me with a huge word during the actual message. A lot of my questions lately have been in the area of Gods will and his soveirgn will and what that means in the context of good and evil and free will. My question was answered in less than 15 minutes....praise the Lord.
According to Mr. Jack Taylor, we are all shaken at one point or another in our lives, it is a God given fact that He loves us enough to shake us down to our very core in order to refine and grow us into beings more like Him. He said that sometimes God lets the trial and trouble continue until every spiritual benefit that can be gained on your behalf is acheived. He spoke of the good and bad news of God's will. The good news being that Satan, terrorists, murders and our enemies have no power or authority to do anything w/o God's permission. The bad news being that obviously God has given them permission. But the greater news being that in the end, when all is said and done, every single thing done by a human hand, good or evil will have been allowed by God and will have in some way been used in the edifying, glorifying and strengthening of His Kingdom. In other words don't worry a/b it - b/c it's all for His glory. Amen! What a breath of fresh air it was to hear that. I guess I've heard it said in other ways prior to tonight, but for some reason tonight it clicked, thank you Lord for revealing this to me, for letting my heart be open to receiving the message!
With that he suggested that the real issue at hand is not what you're going through, but how you're responding to it. Much like Chris' message this weekend - what kind of fruit are you bearing under pressure...good question. Funny b/c I blogged about this very same topic last week, prior to hearing either of these messages - I really feel a confirmation from the Lord - asking me to inspect my responses, and then dig in a little deeper in order to refine my fruit and to become more like Him.
After the message they moved into a ministry time - lot's of prayer and people being 'knocked down' in the Spirit. Now...I'm not against it, totally believe it's real and possible - but I've never experienced anything like this before and so automatically the humanistic skeptic comes out in me...just really resisting what was happening and yet fighting to hold on to an open heart...
I didn't get 'hit' with the spirit per se and at first I've gotta say I was really upset - thinking that there was something wrong with me, and I suppose there's a part of me this is still battling that...it's hard to watch people that you -know- wouldn't lie a/b it, have these amazng things happening while you're not and not question why. And after a few minutes of self loathe and pity, I threw that aside and just hit my knees in worship and thanksgiving - for the ability to even freely worship our Lord and for all that He is to me. And that's when my experience came - on my knees, face to the floor, sobbing for the Lord, and then He came...and things just got - quiet. That's all I could really tell you about it b/c I'm not sure what exactly I was thinking or praying at the time, only that my tears stopped coming and it got quiet. I'm not sure how long I stayed there, maybe 15 minutes or so, but it was good and it was refreshing and it was such a blessing. Granted, not quite what everyone else experienced and who knows, maybe some day I'll get that too - but it was more than enough just to meet w/ God for even 15 minutes of quiet and peaceful communion, and well worth the evening.
It was an amazing night in a lot of ways - I watched many friends experience God and it's always a blessing to watch other rejoicing - I was fed with so much truth and with the word of the Lord - and I got to experience some new things, which is always good for stretching that little box of mine :)
I'm grateful for the time and hope to go back later this week - granted I've got a lot of things to chew on after seeing all of this -- but I'm trusting the Lord to walk me through it and show me what I need to see.
Now, let's sort of recap my current spiritual state at the time...not really having a lot of great God experiences lately - sort of on auto pilot, really trying to figure out what I'm missing to hit that next level - a lot of questions popping up due to my inability to really feel or truly 'experience' Him right now. Needless to say I went into the evening hoping that maybe the Lord had some plans in store for me. Needing the Lord to have something for me.
The worship was nothing less than amazing - so spirit filled, I prayed and prayed and prayed - wanting Him to fill me up so bad, but refusing to manifest it out of my own desire...I sought a true and pure experience w/ Him, I wanted all of Him...
The speakers were amazing - and the Lord hit me with a huge word during the actual message. A lot of my questions lately have been in the area of Gods will and his soveirgn will and what that means in the context of good and evil and free will. My question was answered in less than 15 minutes....praise the Lord.
According to Mr. Jack Taylor, we are all shaken at one point or another in our lives, it is a God given fact that He loves us enough to shake us down to our very core in order to refine and grow us into beings more like Him. He said that sometimes God lets the trial and trouble continue until every spiritual benefit that can be gained on your behalf is acheived. He spoke of the good and bad news of God's will. The good news being that Satan, terrorists, murders and our enemies have no power or authority to do anything w/o God's permission. The bad news being that obviously God has given them permission. But the greater news being that in the end, when all is said and done, every single thing done by a human hand, good or evil will have been allowed by God and will have in some way been used in the edifying, glorifying and strengthening of His Kingdom. In other words don't worry a/b it - b/c it's all for His glory. Amen! What a breath of fresh air it was to hear that. I guess I've heard it said in other ways prior to tonight, but for some reason tonight it clicked, thank you Lord for revealing this to me, for letting my heart be open to receiving the message!
With that he suggested that the real issue at hand is not what you're going through, but how you're responding to it. Much like Chris' message this weekend - what kind of fruit are you bearing under pressure...good question. Funny b/c I blogged about this very same topic last week, prior to hearing either of these messages - I really feel a confirmation from the Lord - asking me to inspect my responses, and then dig in a little deeper in order to refine my fruit and to become more like Him.
After the message they moved into a ministry time - lot's of prayer and people being 'knocked down' in the Spirit. Now...I'm not against it, totally believe it's real and possible - but I've never experienced anything like this before and so automatically the humanistic skeptic comes out in me...just really resisting what was happening and yet fighting to hold on to an open heart...
I didn't get 'hit' with the spirit per se and at first I've gotta say I was really upset - thinking that there was something wrong with me, and I suppose there's a part of me this is still battling that...it's hard to watch people that you -know- wouldn't lie a/b it, have these amazng things happening while you're not and not question why. And after a few minutes of self loathe and pity, I threw that aside and just hit my knees in worship and thanksgiving - for the ability to even freely worship our Lord and for all that He is to me. And that's when my experience came - on my knees, face to the floor, sobbing for the Lord, and then He came...and things just got - quiet. That's all I could really tell you about it b/c I'm not sure what exactly I was thinking or praying at the time, only that my tears stopped coming and it got quiet. I'm not sure how long I stayed there, maybe 15 minutes or so, but it was good and it was refreshing and it was such a blessing. Granted, not quite what everyone else experienced and who knows, maybe some day I'll get that too - but it was more than enough just to meet w/ God for even 15 minutes of quiet and peaceful communion, and well worth the evening.
It was an amazing night in a lot of ways - I watched many friends experience God and it's always a blessing to watch other rejoicing - I was fed with so much truth and with the word of the Lord - and I got to experience some new things, which is always good for stretching that little box of mine :)
I'm grateful for the time and hope to go back later this week - granted I've got a lot of things to chew on after seeing all of this -- but I'm trusting the Lord to walk me through it and show me what I need to see.
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