When the rains come...

It's the day you get the phone call. A lost loved one. The cancer has spread. You get the pink slip. You've lost the house. It's the day the storm rolls into your life. Or maybe it's a past storm, abuse, neglect, poverty, abandonment. The storms of our past that still tug at our hearts, asking the question we cannot answer...why? So often, as Christians, we fall into the ideology that our lives are supposed to be protected, sheltered, spared from the atrocities that befall those around us. And we are, just not in ways that our flesh will immediately acknowledge. Our protection is not just seen in the absence of hardship in our lives, but rather what we receive in the midst of those hardships...Our Comforter, our Councilor, our life source of strength and encouragement. Could you imagine getting the phone call without it? Enduring the storm without the shelter of peace and praise?
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The person caught in the middle of the storm, with it's relentless wind, roaring thunder, flashes of lightning, it so easily consumes our reality. It is so large, so overwhelming that it's all we have the ability to see and acknowledge. We see rain, we see lightning and we can feel it pouring down on top of our exposed heads. The sky is dark in every direction and there's the question again, looming on our shoulders...why?
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I could imagine that a father in the act of protecting his child from harm has never felt so close to them, so filled with love for them, so full of compassion and the determination to keep them safe, providing words of comfort and promises of 'everything's going to be okay'. Just because the father is trying to protect his child, doesn't mean they are spared from the experience, or are oblivious to the terror and chaos going on around them. Not at all, but they do have the arms and the promising words of their father, whom they trust to keep those words. Child like faith. There is so much to gained from reaching that state of a child's trust in their father.
Isaiah 40:11 He tends His flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart. What if...our deepest heartaches and darkest hours are in actuality God's most intimate memories with His children? In the hour of our storm, He came and gathered us and held us close to His heart. Psalm 18:16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He draws us out and then carries us, and the whole time, He is reminding us of His promises to protect and comfort and provide. Over and over again telling us that it's going to be okay, He's not going to let us go. He sees the clouds breaking ahead even if we can't. Can you imagine the way His heart must fill for us in those times? Finally, He gets to clutch us close to His heart, so close that His lips are to our ears, face to face with our very own God. He must treasure those moments (as should we!), they must be some of His fondest and most precious thoughts of us. Sometimes I wonder if it hurts His heart when we ask, why? Forgetting the arms that carried us and only remembering the storm. Forgetting the words He whispered in our ear and only hearing the thunder. When the sight of His face is lost in the flashes of lightning. He still remembers though, and He still treasures every moment of it. He can still recall the very words He spoke to you in those times...does it grieve Him that we forget?
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Now, in the spirit of being human, I'll acknowledge that it still hurts, the storms still bring pain. Just because He's carrying us, doesn't mean we're oblivious to the situation...it's just different though, when you have the higher perspective to cling to. Thinking that somehow, in the midst of your turmoil and trouble, God is eagerly waiting to show Himself to you. And with that, I'll conclude with a word of encouragement, to store in your heart the promises of God's comfort and protection. When the storms roll in, and they will, revisit the promises of your Father, remind yourself of His heart. It is the heart of a Father who would do anything to keep His children safe. This may not always appear to be the case during the storm...but never forget...He is the Father that hand delivered His own Son to die in the most tragic way and the Father who stormed the very gates of hell to ensure that we could always be near Him. What kind of love is this...and what have I done to deserve it. It is a perfect love. And the answer to the 2nd question is what makes it so beautifully perfect...absolutely nothing.
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Hosea 11:4

I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them.

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Psalm 119:50

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

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Isaiah 49:13

For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones

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Psalm 91:4-5

he will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day

91:14

"Because he loves me", says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him..."

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Matthew 5:4

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

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I encourage anyone reading this to visit Rob Bells website at NOOMA.com - he has a video clip called 'Rain' - it's 11 minutes of your life, but I promise you, it's worth the time.

The sounds of silence...

It amazes me at times the lengths people will go through (myself included) to avoid silence. What is it about the absence of noise that makes people get so antsy? I see it in the elevator, people making mindless small talk or clearing their throat, humming, anything to create some kind of noise that will fill the awkward air during the 60 second ride shared to the 3rd floor. I realized last night that the radio in my apartment has not been shut off for a week now - it has been on continuously, when I wake up -- noise. When I come home -- noise. So many of us spend our days filling it with "stuff"-- noise, tv, radios, dinners, books, meetings, shopping...the list is endless. Last night I came home, sat down on my couch and did nothing...absolutely nothing - and I realized how much goes on up in that little room upstairs when you have nothing to fill it with. My thought life is often in the form of conversation with God...and after a while, I found myself asking some really uncomfortable questions..."Lord, what are you doing with me? Where are you sending me? What's the point of this? What have I done with my life? Have I really done anything of value? Is anything I do of value?" Yikes! Where did that come from? Every question, like this cloud of impending futility. My mind began to race faster and faster, like a little cyclone of question marks and exclamation points...aha...this is why we don't like silence. The noise of our day has become more like a temporary distraction from what the mind really wants to know about...it keeps us occupied long enough to avoid those questions that make our stomach church. It's in those times of quiet that our mind is made to acknowledge the deeper things of life, being of course God and His purposes for our lives, and if we're not at peace with those things, the result can be extremely uncomfortable. What happens when we sit long enough to flesh all that out, to get past the junk and get to the real matter at hand. What happens when we're still long enough to really listen...I believe it's then that we can most clearly hear the voice of God. Calling us. Beckoning for our thoughts. Whispering His calling. Knocking on our door. I often wonder if more people wouldn't come to God sooner if they were forced to spend more time in solitude. I would imagine that after some time spent alone with our own thoughts, one would be forced to acknowledge God and His purposes...because we on our own, have none. How much do we impede the voice of God with our daily noise, our daily hustle and bustle of the things that we are trying to believe matter in this world...
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God Himself tells us that He desires rest and stillness for our lives.
Isaiah 30:15 In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. You said, 'No, we will flee on horses.' Or in our cases, 'we will flee to our jobs, to our movies and to our cell phones' - we are literally refusing the strength He is promising us, we are refusing His blessing and desire for our lives! Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Dear Lord, what have we been missing? Your songs to us, Your words for us, lost in our inability to be still.
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The problem is that this 'noise' we call life started at such a young age. Years and years of filling our minds and our time -- we don't know what to do with ourselves without it. Unfortunately, the inability to quiet our lives, leads to the inability to listen. It's really hard to have a conversation with someone while sitting in the 3rd row of a rock concert. I imagine that's what it looks like in relation to our conversations with God. We want words, we want revelation, we want wisdom, but we refuse to leave to concert long enough to actually hear what He has to say. Stop and picture it...there He is, standing right next to us, talking and sharing His heart, and even if we're looking Him straight in the face, we still can't hear Him over the racket. So, let's start with a trip to the bathroom...still a little loud, but oh, so much better than the 3rd row. And then, maybe we'll actually exit the gates...even better, but your ears are still ringing and a little dull from being so close to the speakers. So let's continue walking...and eventually His words are crystal clear. All that to say, it takes time to fully get away from the noise, to fully regain our hearing. It's not a quick trip to the restroom that does it...we have to actually leave the park and go on a walk down the street to gain the full value of what He has to say to us. And as we finally hear what it was that He's been trying to say all this time, we suddenly realize that the concert we were so captivated by wasn't really all that good to begin with...we begin to crave the quiet.
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So...the question remains...are you willing to sit through the awkward silence, to go on a walk down the path of quietness, to leave your own personal concert, if the end result is the clear and unmistakable voice of God? I know I am...and I'm heading towards the exit now.

Insurance 101 (Friday boredom)

I'm really not wanting to work today...and it's rare that I ever don't want to work so bad that I actually stop. You know it must be bad.
So. Given the recent string of really, really challenging and at times fascinating people I have dealt with this week and with all of this spare time that I have (that's a joke for those of you who know anything a/b my job) I thought I would put together a little list to help educate the general population about insurance. Here goes...
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1. If you are at home and a pipe suddenly breaks gushing gallons and gallons of water into your home:
*Do: Turn the water off. Call a plumber. Call Service Master. Then call your insurance company.
*Don't: Watch it. Leave to go and get help (while the water is still running). Try to dry it out with your old trusty box fan from '89.
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2. When you put a pan of grease on your stove:
*Do: Cook something in it...Preferably pancakes, eggs or bacon please.
*Don't: Walk away to take a load of laundry out of your dryer (on the next floor), go out back to 'fire up the grill', turn on the wrong burner -- honestly, you'd be better off not owning a stove.
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3. If you come back from smelling the laundry and there is a blazing fire in your kitchen:
*Do: Use a fire extinguisher to put it out...or maybe just leave. Call the fire dept.
*Don't: Pour water on it. Attempt to beat it into submission with a kitchen towel or any other flammable object for that matter (I've never understood the logic there). Hang around to watch it burn.
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4. If you are a homeowner and you see a water stain in your bedroom ceiling:
*Do: Call a plumber to check your plumbing. Call a roofer to check your roof. Fix the ceiling...
*Don't: Ignore it for 11 months, until one day you walk in and your entire ceiling collapses and there is now water and mold and all kinds of healthy stuff all over your bedroom floor...
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5. If you are relaxing at home in front of the fireplace and decide it's time to go to bed:
*Do: Put the fire out (in the fire place). Make sure you close the front guard before leaving.
*Don't: Take the fire wood in the fire place (that was just burning) and put it back out on the wood pile so you can 'use it again later'. Brilliant.
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6. If you live in a Condo and the person above you has a pipe leak, water heater leak, toilet overflow, dishwasher leak etc...and your home is damaged:
*File your own claim - your buddy upstairs isn't responsible for your damage just because it was their pipe...they aren't psychic, with the amazing ability to predict exactly when that pipe is going to break and then decide, that just to be spiteful, they aren't going to do anything about it...it was an accident - call your condo association.
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7. If you have a loss (property or vehicle) that isn't your fault:
*Yes, you still must pay your deductible - and in case you are part of the population who wasn't aware - you do have a deductible...
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8. And now for a real (boring) FYI: roof leaks damaging the interior due to old age, wear and tear and poor maintenance are usually not covered under a property policy, ask your agent a/b it, sometimes you can add endorsements to add the coverage...it's not usually standard.
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Oh and one more very important one...Your insurance adjuster does NOT get a bonus or a raise for screwing you out of money on your insurance claim...I promise.
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Hmmm, that's all for now...there are so many more, but they are probably only funny to me, so I'll spare you the pain. Anyway - haven't had a random post in a while, thought it was due time...and hey, I've always got the time to dedicate to the education of others about insurance and it's many complexities ;) Just call me Captain Insurance...
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okay, okay...back to work - happy holiday weekend to everyone! Be safe and blessed! The Lord loves you and so do I!!!!

The Potter's Hands....

Jeremiah 18:6

Like clay in the hands of the potter,

so you are in my hands

The hands of a potter...they are graceful, moving freely and with purpose. Firm enough to create the shape of the pot and yet gentle enough not to crush the fruit of their labor. Patient enough to continue molding and reshaping , smoothing out the bumps and imperfections with the skilled hands of a creator...an artist. The potter works with great expectation, with immense care for his masterpiece, never taking his eyes from the creation at hand...he gazes intently at his work ensuring that all is forming as it rightly should be. As he continues to work he feels every bend, every curve every crevice of the pot so that when he is finished he knows his creation inside and out, no part left untouched by his hands.
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So are we, as the clay pot, every inch shaped, molded and touched by the hands of God. No part unknown to Him, not a hair unseen. I am His greatest creation, as are you. Each of us considered the greatest in His collection, each of us admired by the eyes of the Master Potter...greatly pleased with His work. Each of us molded and remolded in the midst of our imperfections into the final perfect piece of art. Just as the creator had envisioned it to be.
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And as the clay pot, it is in the fire that we are solidified, made strong and sturdy. Time in the heat of the clay pit perfects our form ensuring that we will hold our shape. And eventually we are smeared (anointed) with a 'finish' so that we may no longer be dull clay pots hidden amidst a sea of the same, but that we might reflect the light to all those that lay eyes on us. We are set apart, easily recognized, and evidently different from those that surround us. Some of us are chosen to be buffed and polished repeatedly with great diligence, until the face of the Potter Himself can be seen in our reflection.
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The Potter is a master of His trade. He guarantees a perfect and blemish free product. He's inviting every one of us...come and sit on the Potters wheel. Trust Me enough to take a seat...allow My hands to move over you, around you, within you. Trust My abilities enough to know that you will receive My desired shape for your life and in that there is purpose and peace. Come...come and step into the Potters House - let Me show you My gentle hands ...you will most certaintly never be the same.

Discipline...

If you're anything like me, the mere mention of this word makes you cringe and squirm like a five year old preparing for the foot long needle the Dr. is about to plunge into your arm. It is a pretty well known fact that where there's discipline there is most definitely pain. Sometimes it's the quick, sharp pain of a good slap on the wrist and in other cases, it's the slow, burning pain of growth and strengthening. Both are good for us; neither are pleasant by any means.
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The definition of discipline according to Webster's:
1. Punishment 2. Instruction
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(Here's where it gets good)...
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3. training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character
4. control gained by enforcing obedience or order b : orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior c : Self Control
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Hebrews 12:7
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined, then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in His holiness. No discipline seems seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

I'm sure many people have read that scripture and immediately equated discipline with punishment...I don't read it that way though. Just as a father wants to see his child grow to be a good strong person, with good moral character and qualities, so does our heavenly Father have the same desires for his children....except God want so much more, He wants perfect, holy and blameless children...that's quite the standard. Right or wrong, children are a reflection of their parents, too often the character of a parent is judged according to the successes or failures of their childrens lives. So, if we're walking representatives of God and His character, it's no wonder He has such a vested interest in our personal discipline. He wants His children to reflect His perfect nature (Hebrews 12:14 Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord). To get to that place, much discipline is needed on our part. To go from the ball of filth we were before our salvation to the holy person He calls us to be requires a lot of training and with that a lot more pain. A call to discipline by God is such a blessing for it is because we are His children that He calls us to endure such pain in the first place. I have discovered recently that God's discipline is by far the most painful of any I have encountered. The more necessary the discipline, the more it seems to hurt. Just as physical training creates burning in you muscles, spiritual training brings a burning in your soul. The kind of burning that leads to utter desperation...and then to total dependency on God Himself. It's when the physical aching in your body comes that you have no choice but to cry out, and that is exactly what He's been waiting for. That's when you've been broken - officially broken, and now He can start working. It takes a trusting heart to endure it...to sit through the refiners fire and just take it in faith. Our trust and hope comes in His promises though, that it will in the end produce "a harvest of righteousness and peace".
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For today I will trust and seek...it's all I can do to keep myself in what I know is His will. Hour by hour I receive the discipline that I know makes me His daughter and I will praise Him for it. Better are 1000 days of discipline than 1 day outside of His Kingdom. I know that there is so much in my character that needs to be molded, there's so much work to be done and I know that if it were up to me to change it, I would never experience growth or greater intimacy with God. That's exactly why it's not up to me...discipline out of pure trust and painful obedience, I have to believe that it glorifies Him, that it pleases Him and therefore it pleases me.
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I was especially fond of this definition: 4. control gained by enforcing obedience or order -
It implies that God is in control, that God is the enforcer of our discipline and He does so to regain control of our hearts and our minds. To bring us away from whatever it is that was taking His place and to show us that He is still our God, and not the shiny new idol we have built up in His place. I've felt the pricks, the prods and the requests for my obedience to His words, and eventually He left no room for discussion. There is a definite need for what He's doing in me right now, I recognize it every time I feel the ache, the burn, the desperation - it reminds me, that there is only one thing in this life that I should ever allow myself to grow comfortable with or dependent upon, and that is Him...and that's comforting because I know that He'll never leave, He'll never forget and He'll certainly never stop loving me.

Proverbs 3:5-11

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;

fear the LORD and shun evil.
8 This will bring health to your body

and nourishment to your bones.
9 Honor the LORD with your wealth,

with the firstfruits of all your crops;
10 then your barns will be filled to overflowing,

and your vats will brim over with new wine.
11 My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline

and do not resent his rebuke,
12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves,

as a father the son he delights in.

Speechless...

What in the world do you say to a 12 year old who tells you that she doesn't care whether she lives or dies...

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Yeah, my thoughts exactly. Even now, nothing adequate is coming to mind. This was certainly a question that I wasn't expecting to be faced with ever, let alone when I woke up this morning. What a terrifying moment. If your 12, you're not afraid of dying, and you don't really know Jesus, then what do you fear? Well, if you happen to be a 12 year old anorexic you fear gaining weight. Yes, even more than death itself. Oh buddy, you better believe I was searching the Spirit for an answer to that one.
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Yadira called today...it was a bad day...she's so tired...they're admitting her to the hospital tomorrow. It was all I needed to hear. I cancelled plans and went to pick her up. For almost 3 hours we walked and talked and it is so incredibly hard to bear it at times...I know her pain, I know her anxiety and I surely know her sense of hopelessness. I bite my tounge so many times fighting the urge to utter many of the cliche statements that so many do, I know how they are receieved, and I know they are ineffective. Just listen...just listen. I had to keep reminding myself...she just needs to unload on someone that isn't going to get angry at her, or punish her. It is such a challenge though, her thoughts were once my own and while it's a blessing that I can understand - it's a curse because I know the chaos in her head and I also know that there are no words to make it better. I can only encourage, speak truth and pray for her.
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I want so badly for her to understand who Christ is, what He did, what that means for her. To me, it is the only solution to the problem. I honestly don't understand how anyone overcomes the illness without crawling to the Cross. Without Him...there is no hope and there is no reason to get better. Christ gives a purpose and then suddenly there's a real reason to recover. This is where I start to feel inadequate - I'm not sure how to teach a child a/b God, about the blood of Christ. I wasn't a Christian at 12, I don't know what that sounds like to her, I don't know how much she can comprehend at that age. So I guess this is where I end and the Spirit takes complete control because I got nothin'. After I dropped her off and attempted to talk to her dad (who doesn't really speak english) I drove home replaying the conversation in my mind. Should I have said this? Should I have told her that? What can I do to make this go away? It's funny that I caught myself asking those questions, I should know better. There's no magic word, no perfect statement, because I can't fix this. There's only One who can. In that moment of realization it was like a rock was lifted off my shoulders, I let out a breathe (I hadn't even realized that I'd been holding it) and sent it on up to God. I don't have answers, but she doesn't need my answers - she just wants my time, my company and an ear, all of which I can give w/o much effort. My part is easy here, just invest time and a good set of ears and then pray for God to do the rest. Yadira of course has a huge part in this as well...it starts with wanting it and I'm not sure she's fully there yet. She will be soon though, I can see it in her eyes. She's getting tired, she's getting frustrated and the comfort it once brought her seems to be long forgotten.
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I sincerely petition your prayers on this one...this disease at her age is so hard to break through. It will have to be the hand of God that moves here. Let it be through me Lord...I am here and willing...please send me Lord and then show me how.
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It has most definitely been an interesting weekend. In 3 days, my heart has broken, my flesh has grieved, the Lord has spoken to me in so many ways and today, He once again showed me the very reason I have fought these battles in my life . His ways are not my own and with every passing day I'm seeing that that's most definitely a good thing. Can I get an Amen people??

Spirit food...

The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men know the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. We have not received the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that way we may understand what God has freely given us.

1 Corinthians 2:9-12

God's own Spirit. He searches even God's deepest and most intimate thoughts and desires. And He searches mine. The Spirit that lives in God, lives in me (1 Corinth 3:16). The Spirit in God...the Spirit in me...hmm. If the same Spirit that searches the depths of God and knows His most intimate thoughts lives within my very own being, one might conclude then that every thought, desire, will and purpose of God is actually resting within my very spirit. It is all there, every bit of it - waiting for its appointed time to be revealed. (Eph 3:3 That is the mystery made known to me by revelation).
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Man...there's just something about actually acknowledging the idea that Gods very own thoughts are just resting within me, His very will and desire for me and even for all of those around me is actually contained within me. It's direct access to His heart, like a spiritual umbilical cord of sorts linking us directly to our life source, continually pumping us full of spiritual nourishment. I'm no Dr. but from what I can remember in science class, the human umbilical cord supplies some of life's richest and most effective nutrients, and amazingly, it removes waste from the growing baby at the same time. It is absolutely essential for the growth and development of the fetus. In the same ways we desperately need that consistent feed, directly from our life source, of the richest and most effective spiritual nutrients available and even more so we need the waste that is so toxic to our lives to be cleaned out continually. Without this "umbilical cord" our spirits are starved, deprived, contaminated and absolutely clueless. We only know what our flesh and mind says, and we all know how accurate that information can be.
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I feel that understanding God's thoughts and His desires begins with yielding to the Spirit...allowing Him to lead and guide and teach without interfering. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will (Romans 8:26-27). I'm learning that if I want to know what God's desires for me are, if I want to know the true heart of God - I need to make the Holy Spirit my very best friend. I must let the Spirit show me how to pray, show me what to pray for, and only then can I be sure that I am receiving God's will and not my own. The Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. I like that. A lot of things changed in my praise and prayer life when I stopped speaking so much and just started groaning and waiting. Not even a month ago God shared this revelation with me...in a rather blunt way, He literally told me that He doesn't need my words - He just needs my spirit. What are words to God really? He speaks to our spirit - most often not with literal words...but with pictures, and feelings, peace, comfort, joy, boldness, conviction, grief, gratitude, burdens...none of those are actual words, but they are God's words to our spirit, always guiding and always teaching. But the counselor the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name will teach you all things (John 14:26) and that's because all of the knowledge, all of the wisdom and revelation we could ever want or need is sitting inside of every one of us who has received the Holy Spirit. The possibilities are endless!! They are lessons that cannot be grasped outside of Him, lessons not even conceivable to the flesh. It's time to learn how to be sensitive, to listen, and to lean on God's own Spirit to show us when to take our next step or speak our next word. Kind of makes me want to press in a little harder...knowing that this Spirit isn't this far off distant 'thing' that we get bits and pieces of every now and then but that He's right here, right now........so close........can you feel Him? It's in seasons like the one I'm journeying through now that I realize how inadequate, irrelevant and ineffective my own thoughts and ideas are...I think I'm ready to toss those and try asking Someone who might actually have a real answer...

Romans 8:14

because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.

Romans 8:16

The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children

Pieces...

The question of the night...would God break my heart into a million little pieces to show me how to love Him more? As difficult as it is for me to accept it...I think that He would, and I think that He is. Swallowing this lump in my throat, I can only sit here in a state of confusion and say to my Lord - show me...because I don't understand, I just don't understand. I've often said and believed that obedience can be painful, but I've never experienced it on this level - never. It is a desperate feeling, one which cannot be remedied by any earthly means. My flesh is dying a very slow and painful death right now...who would have thought it could hurt this bad? I know I didn't. Prayers for peace seem to be answered by more anxiety, more questions, more doubt, more pain...and yet I'm sure that it probably has more to do with my inability to receive it right now that it does with God not answering. The enemy is crafty, I've always known that - I can hear the lies one by one as they are fired into my thoughts like missels in a military attack. And one by one I recognize and rebuke them...thank God I can recognize them now though, I haven't always been so lucky.
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Lord, your ways are such a mystery to me, I can't pretend to have a clue about what You're doing here...but please work quickly and send a wind of your peace soon. I feel paralyzed Lord...unable to move, unable to speak until you show me where to go and what to say. Just give me a glimmer of understanding, just something to get me through until tomorrow, and then a little more would be greatly appreciated...
Until then, I'll just sit and wait and trust. Your ways are not my own, and so I'll pursuit a child like faith in You, one that doesn't fear and one that doesn't doubt or question. A faith that welcomes what You bring, knowing that it is You that brings it and that it must be for Your glory...
This chorus has been running through my head all day today...it's my meditation right now...it is such a dangerous prayer, but a holy one and I'm sure so pleasing to the Lords ears...

Bring me joy bring me peace

bring the chance to be free,

bring me anything that brings you glory

and I know there'll be days

when this life brings me pain

but if that's what it takes to praise you

Jesus bring the rain.

Spiritual Soapbox...

*A little preface - this post is a little random, a little unorganized and a little intense...I speak to myself as much as I do to anyone else - just wanted to make that known...I'm first in line when it comes to accepting my fleshly weakness and need for grace. The Lord was pressing me in a big way tonight and this is what came of it...unedited and unapologetically. I pray you receive whatever is of the Lord, and discard anything that might have come from me.*

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Sweet Jesus, precious, precious Jesus...you are so Holy, so perfect and so amazing. Our picture of Jesus is so skewed, so blurred by the cultural definition of who He is and what He looks like. We are so accustomed to the images that have been created throughout history that I think we've stopped searching for His true face. We're comfortable with what we've been shown, with what's familiar...it's just easier to accept that and move on. Would we recognize Jesus today? Would we accept Him in our society? These lyrics hit my heart like a piece of cold steel tonight:

Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ,
Then why do you look so much like the world?
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Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to bless me with the wealth of this land
Blessed are they that thirst and hunger for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand
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Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?
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Who is this that you follow
The picture of the American dream
If Jesus were here would you walk right by on the other side
Or fall down and worship His Holy feet
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Pretty blue eyes, curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is this how you see Him as He dies for your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part
Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him
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Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
So which one do you want to be?
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Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on his feet might stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd

And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud.

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When in the world did we come to the conclusion that we were better than those with less? Who decided that our value is dependent on the clothes we wear or the car we drive or the title we hold. Where in the Bible does it say that?? When did we decide that we deserve anything more than death? It is only by the GRACE of God that we are entitled to anything else. Let us not forget that w/o it we are no better than the murderer or the rapist or the terrorist sitting prison...think about that...you see the words, but do you believe it? Not by our standards, but by Gods...do you see it? Pretty people, locked in a pretty church with crimson carpet and fresh cut flowers. How often did Jesus do His work within the walls of a church? How often did He settle for comfort over the will of His Father?? How can we possibly minister to others when we're stuck in the walls of the church, holding ourselves up on a pedestal of pride and vanity, searching for the next person to fulfill our selfish need for affirmation and love. We are such parasites...our lives spent sucking everyone around us dry in order to quench that insatiable thirst in our hearts. And then we pray for more...God, give me financial blessing, give me more of this and more of that...what MORE do we need than life? Not life today, but life in His Kingdom...oh Lord, when will we, when will I, get it?
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We lack gratitude, we lack reverence, we lack humility...humility...that's what it is. The point here is not to condemn or create guilt, but to impart true, pure and humble gratitude for the things we have been given...the gifts we were granted before we were even born into existence. The gifts that were granted to every one of us, you, me, the homeless on the corner, the addict, the gang member, the murderer...the sacrifice was for every one of us and don't for one second think that you're any different than any of the other mentioned...what is in them is within every one of us...you'd better believe it. We're all made of the same flesh and the same sinful nature. Most of us are just fortunate enough to have avoided those paths, again, not by our own doing or work, but by the undeserved grace of God.
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Would you proclaim Christ if it meant death? Would you worship Him if it meant being locked in a cell, starved and tortured day upon endless day? If it meant watching your children being killed? Do you trust Him that much? Don't just give the standard "of course" here...think a/b it for a moment, and think a/b what it would take to endure those things. Would you even think a/b denying Him? Peter did...don't be so quick to say that you wouldn't. Dear Lord...show me how to be less of myself, how to trust You more and to live only by Your will...it's all that really matters, it's the only thing that makes this life worth living.
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