Sweet Emotion...

I am taking a class right now, which as required me to read a book entitled "Fool's Gold" by John Macarthur. The man has a passion for God's truth that I am deeply respectful of, he has a reverence for God's holiness that I can only hope to fully grasp at some point in my life...and yet as I'm reading his work about the dangers of watered down preaching in todays church, I can't help but wonder if Mr. Macarthur has ever encountered the wonders of the Holy Spirit, alive and active in our lives today. Tonight I read on as he discusses the dangers of 'emotion' in todays worship of our Lord. He cites over and over again that today we are driven to worship through the skilled and intentional planning of music ministers who deliberately strive to stir emotion within the worship, which is mistakenly taken by the worshiper as 'true worship'. He continues to state that this is a mindless and almost blasphemous attempt to worship God which should be avoided and traded in for the traditional and true worship of hymnals. While I can acknowledge that emtional play can be abused within a worship service or mis-interpreted by a worshiper...Mr. Macarthur, did God not give us these emotions that you so openly disdain? Is love not an emotion? Did Jesus not mourn and weep and grieve? Did He not rejoice and proclaim joy amongst His teaching? Are we not made in the image of God Himself and thus can we not assume that God intended these emotions to be a core function of our daily lives and worship of Him? Who decided that worship of God must be somber and quiet and completely void of anything that merely resembles an emotional response? Is a person stricken by personal trajedy or loss not granted the opportunity to become emotionally broken and thus crawl to the feet of Jesus in 'worship' and to find the peace and comfort we are promised in His Word?
.
While I can respect Macarthur and his views in other areas, this is one that I was saddened to read. Our emotions are priceless if placed in the right context. Just because a musician writes a song to a catchy tune, that doesn't follow the exact outline of the early hymnals does not mean they were not inspired by the Spirit of God to write and sing that song in an act of worship - they are putting words of hope and love into a form of worship that the entire world can hear and be touched by and then sing with them to glorify and honor our Lord. What man can honestly determine and decide what is acceptable as an act of Worship? The scripture says that we are to worship with our lives...everything we do is to be an act of worship to God. If He has graced one with the gift of musical talent - in the 21st century, are they to be condemned for creating music in His name even if it doesn't meet doctrinal and scriptural requirements set forth by men who somewhere along the way got the idea that they had a say in the matter? If sung to God from the heart of one who desires to worship Him in that way...well, how dare any man judge what is pleasing to the heart of God.
.
While I can understand Macarthurs frustration at the soft and false doctrine infiltrating the church today, I would caution against placing stipulations and boxes on the ability of God to use all avenues of this world and generation to glorify His name. It's all about the heart of the worshipper and to question the validity of ones worship is to make an attempt at being God Himself...it's no different than judging ones state of salvation. With the chaos of this world, with the baggage that so many of us carry into the church and into the pew...what if it takes an emotionally charged worship service to drive us out of ourselves and into the heart of the One we came to worship. Of course there must be balance, one should not assume that they must feel some emotional response to worship God, or equate God with a "feeling". He is so much more than that...we just cannot bury our emotions out of our own fear. True worship is not defined by the kind of music, the words we sing nor the arms we raise. It is defined in the heart of the one who worships, and there is only One who truly knows when He is being praised and glorified with a pure heart.
.
Leave the judgement to God Mr. Macarthur...teach His Word honorably, be sound in your doctrine, never be ashamed of the gospel or of our testimony...but please don't underestimate God's ability to use those crazy things we call emotions to stir, convict, and move us to action on His behalf. They are God given, God breathed, why should we think for one second that He wouldn't use what He has given us to glorify Himself in some way? Yes, it's abused, yes it can be misinterpreted and misused. But so can God's own Word, the very Bible has been used improperly and out of context for ages...it has been abused at the pulpit, to push social and political agendas and to justify misaction...and yet we have not retired the good Book, we have not hidden it or deemed it useless. We cannot because it is from Gods own hand...just as we are, and with that our emotions.
.
In closing I'll say - be discerning, this is simply an opinion of a girl probably less educated and studied on the topic than most. Read about David as he danced for God, read the Psalms and their passionate pleas and praises to God, read about Jesus and his deep compassion for people...and then decide for yourself.

How Great is our God

Isaiah 40:12-14 Who has measured the waters in the hallow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighted the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance? Who has undestood the mind of the Lord, or instructed him as his counselor? Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way?

Just read that over and over again, until it's absolute immensity and wonder penetrates your very being - how can we not fall on our knees at the very utterance of His name? Will we forever fail to truly see and understand His greatness? How do we costantly continue to overlook the absolute enormity of our heavenly Creator?

I'll start with this thought...every day of our life is spent walking amidst thousands of God's miracles, most of which go unoticed or unappreciated. I know, I know, we've all heard the cliche, "every day the sun rises, we've experienced another miracle of God" and while that's true - there's so much more to it than that. The fact that the sun rises every day, on cue, providing heat and energy and life for our daily lives...REALLY is a miracle...the fact that little drops of water fall from the sky on a regular basis in order to replenish the earth and promote growth of plants and animals which feed and clothe us...REALY is a miracle. That we have plants that actually put oxygen into our atmosphere by way of their natural growing and living process so that we have air to breathe in order to live...REALLY is a miracle. The fact that our planet is just far enough from the sun not to be incinerated and not too far away to be frozen - REALLY is a miracle...are you getting my point? These are not just some happenings in nature seemingly fit together in this convenient little package perfectly designed to serve our very purpose on this earth... Just stop for a moment and think a/b how intricate the very thought of our lives are...how it's such a puzzle full of pieces here and there w/ parts cut out perfectly in order to fit the next piece. Are you humble before His might presence yet? How can we not look to His face with awe and amazement...

I've come to the realization that God is actually larger than you and I. For some reason I've always had this impression of God as Jesus, the size and shape of a man, but the power unimaginable by human thought.
How wrong I've been though - He's so much larger, so much bigger, literally, not just figuratively. It's the poetry of these scripture that have kept me grounded - in and out of the seasons of life - the questions and wonders, the anxiety the doubt and fear...even now, this season of correction and pruning - even in the midst of it all I rest heavily on the truth in these promises, in these testimonies to His absolute authority and greatness. I am reminded that I am in no position to question...and that I should only ever be in the position to praise with the utmost reverence for Him. Reverence...fear and respect and awe, all rolled into one big emotion and action. Fearing because you respect...fearing because you know how great He is...
.
I pray you read the following scripture slowly - line by line, and really receive it - He is so mighty...I don't know if I've ever fully understood the beauty of this passage. It is unbelievably beautiful. I beg you to take just a minute and really read it...catch the greatness, see His glory and be moved with reverent amazement at the creation we have become so complacent and comfortable with. So much so, that we fail to see the need to praise Him for it.....
.

Job 38:4-38

"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand.

Who marked off its dimensions?

Surely you know!

Who stretched a measuring line across it?

On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone -

while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
"Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb,

when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place,
when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther;

here is where your proud waves halt'?
"Have you ever given orders to the morning,

or shown the dawn its place,

that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it?
The earth takes shape like clay under a seal;

its features stand out like those of a garment.

The wicked are denied their light, and their upraised arm is broken.
"Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep?

Have the gates of death been shown to you?

Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death?
Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?

Tell me, if you know all this.
"What is the way to the abode of light?

And where does darkness reside?

Can you take them to their places?

Do you know the paths to their dwellings?

Surely you know, for you were already born!

You have lived so many years!
"Have you entered the storehouses of the snow

or seen the storehouses of the hail,

which I reserve for times of trouble, for days of war and battle?

What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed,

or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?
Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain,

and a path for the thunderstorm,

to water a land where no man lives,

a desert with no one in it,

to satisfy a desolate wasteland and make it sprout with grass?
Does the rain have a father?

Who fathers the drops of dew?
From whose womb comes the ice?

Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens when the waters become hard as stone, when the surface of the deep is frozen?

"Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades?

Can you loose the cords of Orion?
Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons

or lead out the Bear with its cubs?
Do you know the laws of the heavens?

Can you set up God's dominion over the earth?
"Can you raise your voice to the clouds

and cover yourself with a flood of water?
Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?

Do they report to you, 'Here we are'?
Who endowed the heart with wisdom

or gave understanding to the mind ?
Who has the wisdom to count the clouds?

Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens when the dust becomes hard and the clods of earth stick together?

Job 40:7-14

"Brace yourself like a man; I will question you,

and you shall answer me.

"Would you discredit my justice?

Would you condemn me to justify yourself?

Do you have an arm like God's, and can your voice thunder like his?
Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor,

and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.

Unleash the fury of your wrath,

look at every proud man and bring him low,

look at every proud man and humble him,

crush the wicked where they stand.

Bury them all in the dust together;

shroud their faces in the grave.
Then I myself will admit to you that your own right hand can save you.

Mom & Dad...

Mom & Dad,

So many years gone by. So many memories, so many hurts and so many open wounds. It's been a lifetime for me, and what must feel like a life time for you both. The ups and downs and trials of life...how they can leave a soul beaten and battered like a ragdoll in the mouth of a dog. My spirit has wrestled over you in such painful ways over the course of the past weeks. It is a frustration and a sorrow I have not known for many years. Mostly because I have chosen to bury it...deeper and deeper with every passing day, month and year. You have taught me well how to avoid, how to pretend and how to push away. You have taught me so well that even in my attempts to see truth, I can only see the facade I have built in my own mind. In years past I have built up such a hardness for you. A hardness that eventually, so deceptively, disguised itself as forgiveness and peace with our past...what I thought to be rest and acceptance has proven to be anything but. This past week has shown me this much. I have experienced a flood of emotion, most of which I cannot process quickly enough, most of which is tearing open the wounds I thought were so nicely bandaged and healed only to expose a hideous infection desperately in need of medical attention. I myself am terrified of what you have stirred in me, partially because I hate it and partially because I don't understand it. I am not the girl you raised, I am not the girl you thought you knew and I'm definitely not the girl you think you know now. Since we've parted ways, I have discovered and desperately sought after a new identity. One which is not rooted in the lie of love you have shown me, but one that is rooted in a never ending, unconditional love from a true Father that created every hair on my head, ever inch of my being. You have heard whispers of this new creation in me, and you reject it with passion...why? Does what I am becoming frighten you? Is it uncomfortable? Good - it should be...

As our time together began I must confess I ran straight into a wall of negativity, bitterness, anger, frustration and the list goes on. Every day I was just baffled at why they wanted to come here - why is this happening, this is the last thing I need right now...I talked with friends about the meaning of honoring our parents. Obviously important enough for God to place in the midst of His 10 Holy Commandments and interestingly enough, the only one given as a premise with a direct promise to follow. It was hard, I fought it, I justified my feelings, made excuses - got angry that I had to even contemplate honoring them...I knew I should and yet there was just this part of me that was in utter defiance of the thought.

The time went on and by Tuesday I was at my witts end - I just wanted it to be over so I could forget it ever happened...I drug myself to church, so dry, so empty. I nearly collapsed on the floor when I got there, every muscle desperate for just a mere few moments of rest in the Lords presence. I wept for the first time since my parents arrived - the tears that had so nearly surfaced 100 times, finally broke through the dam and they would not stop...grief for my parents, for their souls, for their hearts, for our relationship, for my confusion, for my frustration - all of it...I prayed for the Lord to see my tears - to please show me something...I trust You Lord - and I am so desperate for Your words!

After worship, I almost left a dozen times - just wanted to go to bed, I felt a little peace and I figured that was the extent of it. It was a night of testimonies - great - definitely not in the mood for this...I didn't move though. As many rose to give praise to God's glory in their life, I sat in the back talking to God, telling Him that I know He's done glorious things in my life, but I just couldn't get up there tonight - my face was swollen, makeup and hair in disray, and my words are lifeless. And yet, as I sat in the back the conviction fell on me like a bag of bricks. "Praise Him!"
Oh Lord, I thought, of course I praise You - in all circumstances. "Praise Him. Right now." Oh jeeze, Lord - not now...not here...and as so many of you have probably experienced - the heart rate rises, the temperature goes up about 10 degrees and the lies rush in like a flood - nobody wants to hear this, it's not even really a joyful, engergetic praise, it's not even finished, what in the world would I even say? People won't care a/b this. And even as the thoughts came, my feet moved - to the front, towards that darn microphone. As I took it, I couldn't even stand, I sat on the stage - staring at my feet - and I told them about what the Lord was doing, a broken relationship, the way the Lord has brought my parents to my home for the first time in six years, not by my request, and honestly...I can't tell you why, other than that He brought them. I talked briefly about the emotions being stirred - my sorrow, and frustration, confusion - and then I praised Him for it all - I told them that I felt the Lord tell me healing layed in my willingness to praise Him in front of them and that they were witnessing a testimony in progress...
Nothing profound by any means - I walked away thinking 'well Lord, there ya go, that's all I got'. Afterwards, He showed me once again that I know nothing. The flood of people that approached me to request prayers for similar situations was overwhelming - and with every prayer I prayed over others, my own healing came. I didn't leave church until after 11 that night - and when I got home, I was a different person. From that night forward things were just...different. I felt my heart changing for my parents. For the first time, maybe ever, I felt sincere and true love for them. It was still challenging at times, but it was no longer excruciating. Through different events, I saw my dad's love for me, things I had never known, things I had never realized were brought forward and I was shown that he does love me. I'm not a dissapointment or unwanted...he really does love me. And God asked me one night, 'will you finally believe that I love you? Even more than that?'

I can't fully understand or explain why this relationship with my father has such an impact on everything within me...but I actually started to feel different, acceptable, worthy, dare I say, confident that I am enough...that who I am, is okay. It's a healing in progress, a reconciliation in progress, and I'm okay with that because I know it's going to be okay, that it already is okay. And now the praises come freely and with great exclamation. I sat the other night, wondering if God goes through such great lengths for all of His children, and of course He does. It's beyond my comprehension that He could love each of us so much. But I know that He does and with every passing day, my heart is beginning to know it as well.

A brief update...

Okay, okay - I'm back. For those who don't know, and that's probably most of you since I've been MIA for a/b 3 weeks - I went to the summer youth camp in Glenrose this week and then spent the last 3 days in Corpus on the beach...yes - it was wonderful. Camp was amazing, as I expected and I have plenty on that to blog a/b later, and the beach was so very relaxing, just what I needed.

Now I'm home - and back to the familiar things of life, such as the little boy who lives above me running laps around their apartment. The kid's gonna be a track star someday - and I'll be able to say I knew him when... I never knew a kid could run continuous laps in an apartment my size, but I assure you it can be done...the little pitter-patter of feet seems to never end - it's quite humerous at this point.

Anyway - back home and back to life - as usual it's hard coming off of a week with nothing but God, teenagers, sun and sand, but it must be done. At least now I feel like I have the energy to do something other than come home and crash. So for now, I leave you with the things I learned on vacation...

1. God is amazing -

not that I didn't know that already, but I learned it in a much larger capacity this week - ways that will alter my entire outlook on so many different things in my life.

.
2. I'm not as young as I used to be - spending 5 hours reffing basketball games in 90 degrees on hot pavement left me with an aching back, terribly sore and swollen feet and with the desire to do nothing but lay as still as possible, flat on my back in the cabin...a far cry from my much more active youth.
.

.
3. If you sit on the back porch at the coast with a graham cracker in your hand long enough, the seagulls will attack you for it. Sea gulls do not fear me what-so-ever.

.

.

.

.
4. I am a master poker player - I won $25 in my first poker game ever...yeah, it looked something like that...I'm the one with all the chips.

.

.
5. I am a terrible fisherman - I give up on the idea of ever catching a fish. Even in the Gulf of Mexico I couldn't get one to bite. I think it's a conspiracy of the aquatic life to leave me feeling defeated any time I step on the scene with fishing pole in hand...well, I quit. If she can do it...then they must be conspiring against me - I refuse to accept any other explanation.
.

.

7. It is possible to hit rush hour in San Antonio, Austin and Waco all in the same day...and it sucks.
.

.

.

.

8. And finally, I lived a truly blessed life. When I have the ability to spend 3 days in the midst of the 600 kids and Lord and then fly to the beach to stay in a beach house with a family that is not my own, but who treats me as if I were where I am able to lay on the beach in front of what I consider to be one of God's most amazing creations and just do nothing but bask in His sun and enjoy His sky and His clouds and His waves breaking on the shore and just take it all in....it humbles me to think a/b where I was 7 years ago and to think about where He's brought me since then. I am blessed beyond anything I could have ever imagined then and I am deeply grateful for where I am and for the people the Lord has planted in my life.
.
It's been a wonderful week - hopefully I'll have some real pictures to share soon. I hope everyone is well and happy! Have a safe holiday weekend and I love you all!

Blast from the past...

God's Longing...
To the listening ear I speak, to the waiting heart I come. Sometimes, I may not speak. I may ask you merely to wait in My Presence, to know that I am with you. Think of the multitudes, who thronged Me, when I was on earth, all eager for something. Eager to be healed, or taught, or fed. Think as I supplied their many wants, and granted their manifold requests, what it meant to be Me. To find amid the crowd, some one or two, who followed Me just to be near Me, just to dwell in My Presence. How some longing of the Eternal Heart was satisfied thereby.Comfort Me awhile, by letting Me know that you would seek Me just to dwell in My presence, to be near Me, not even for teaching, not for material gain, not even for a message--but for Me. The longing of the human heart to be loved for itself is a something caught from the Great Divine Heart.-God Calling

Sorry to recycle material here, but I originally posted the above excerpt back in October of 2005...recently it was thrust to the forefront of my thoughts, by no accident I am sure. I'm struck with the absolute truth found within its words and with how that truth is so important to never be forgotten. There is so much peace found in just resting with Him, without expectation, without ulterior motive. Come to the feet of Jesus and do not seek, do not ask, do not search...just be still. Long just His presence because it is that glorious. Stop asking questions, stop seeking gifts or power and just for one true and pure moment seek the Givers face above all. Do not set your mind on the blessing to come, but on the blessing already present in just being near Him. I don't think that I can learn that lesson too many times. With so many prayers for peace, or knowledge or wisdom or blessings, at some point in the midst of it all I must learn that I don't have to go to Him with a request or a need, that I can go to Him just for the heck of it...in fact He wants us to...and as it says in the above passage, there is an eternal longing of the heart that is satisfied in nothing more than just being near Him. Being still and resting at the feet of our Lord will never go w/o reward or fulfillment...sometimes I wonder if it isn't the best kind.

Wow...

Lord oh Lord, I stand in awe...I'm not sure that I'll have the ability to compose a coherant post here, but I feel the need to write something...anything, to convey my utter amazement and gratitude for the way in which the Lord moves His hands throughout our lives. For the past few weeks I have walked in a season of confusion, restlessness and out right desperation...for answers, for clarity for anything to prove that I wasn't losing my mind. Calls for action that didn't make sense, and that challenged my logic. Walks in obedience that challenged my convictions, tore at my flesh and then grieved my spirit in the deepest ways imaginable. And in the moments when I thought that I had reached my absolute limit, the point of breaking, the Lord came to the rescue and just set it all free. In a word to a faithful servant, who delivered it on command my mind and my spirit were released of all the unrest and all of the confusion. All of it. Not only did He set me free, but He made it all make sense...He packaged it with a nice little bow and said, "here you go, this is why..." and I see now that it is the most beautiful package I have ever seen. And what's even better is that he's got more packages full of revelation and purpose just waiting to be unwrapped.
.
Tonight there was a message given on 2 Samual6:12-21. It's about David as he dances and becomes overwhelmed with joy for the Lord before an entire city and before his wife Michal. While the majority there are focused on God and are captivated by the wonderful display of rejoicing, Michal is instead focused on the presence of men and misses the presence of God. The Lord spoke to me, asking...what are you focused on? What are you looking at? Where am I in your field of vision? Yikes!
He deserves so much more than our peripheral vision...He doesn't want us looking at the world with our eyes while just trying to keep Him in the peripheral of our view...the distraction causes His image to blur - His features become unclear while the rest of the world is crystal clear. He wants us face to face, our eyes locked on His...keep the world in our peripheral, not the other way around! Let the world become blurred, let it become unclear and unimportant because God is the only thing that can make everything else make sense. Trying to do it backwards is simply a recipe for confusion and uncertainty. Look to the face of God, not to the image of man. Seek His expression of affirmation, fear His expression of disapproval and not that of men. That is what He is showing me right now. He has to be in our direct line of sight. He has to be our final destination - not the job, not the house, not the wife or the husband, not the kids, not the 'future' here on earth, but only the eternal future of heaven. If we're not looking right at Him, the world becomes our source of explanation and attempted justification for our circumstances. It will never make sense. The problem here becomes, who of us is holy enough to stare into the face of God? Even Moses could only catch a glimpse and that was enough to bring him to the ground. By our very birth we are not worthy to stand before Him, we would be burned up in His perfect Holiness. But I know one man who is...and I know that many were graced with the ability to look into His eyes and touch His face. To look into the eyes of our saviour, it is the only way we can get to the eyes and the heart of God. It is our right of passage, our buffer zone - and how wonderful is our God that He would give us the opportunity to look with confidence into His very own eyes?? Not of our own accord, but through the eyes and the blood of Christ? It is unimaginable to our human minds and that's how we know it is God - what earthly man could conceive of such love and grace and mercy?
.
Tonight, the Lord showed me what it looks like to bring His face into full view. No flesh, no world, no distraction. In a moment that by all wordly standards should have been full of heartache and sorrow, the Lord spoke Nehamiah 8 into my life and it could not have been a more fitting passage for the occassion:

Nehamiah 8:9-11

Then Nehemiah the governor, Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who were instructing the people said to them all, "This day is sacred to the LORD your God. Do not mourn or weep." For all the people had been weeping as they listened to the words of the Law.
Nehemiah said, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."
The Levites calmed all the people, saying, "Be still, for this is a sacred day. Do not grieve

How could I argue with that?? And when you're acting in the direct will of God...He will make sure you know it - b/c in that moment that should be so hard there will be joy and peace and confirmation. The Lord is good, He hears us when we pray and when we cry out and HE IS WORKING -- He works continuously. Above our understanding He is constantly weaving and intertwining our paths with such purpose and intricacy that we will never understand or know the extent of His abilities. We were never meant to. He is awesome and He is astounding and He is beautiful...
.

And they were calling to one another: "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory."

Isaiah 6:3

.

Told you it would be random :) But I feel some relief - that burning in me that just wants to shout it out - it's not gone, but at least I can sleep now. The work is just beginning and I am eagerly anticipating what is to come, for me and for others that I know are going to be touched by His very hands. Thank you, thank you, thank you Lord God for you answered prayers and for your merciful ways - my hands cannot reach high enough and my voice cannot be loud enough to praise you or thank you as deserved...but I'll never stop trying to express it, becaue you'll never stop pouring it out. Thank you Lord...

Reconstruction...

Ha, or maybe the next 500 miles...more on that in a moment though...
It's amazing to me the ways in which the Lord heals, He moves, He provides. Over the course of the past 2 weeks I think I have experienced more emotion than was ever intended to take place within a human being at one time. I mean, really, is it honestly possible to feel confused but sure, angry but joyful, broken but at peace, restless but still, helpless but empowered, terrified and hopeful all at the exact same time? At first it sounds like the perfect description of Cybil and her 30 or more different personalities and honestly that might be a little what it felt like, but it's definitely possible, especially when you're starving your flesh to exhalt your spirit. The battle is fierce. Looking back on it, I never want to feel it again and yet part of me knows it was so good and so incredibly pleasing for the Lord. When has He ever heard me cry for Him so deeply, or ache so desperately for just a whisper of His presence? Sitting on the other side, feeling like the pieces are coming back together - I think I'm realizing the purpose...gaining more understanding with every passing day. During a recent soaking/prayer time the Lord showed me some really random memories from my childhood - things that I think have a lot more to do with my 'today' than I can understand right now, which I'm praying about with great expectation. He's showed me some really old, really deep, and really infected wounds that I've never taken care of and I'm praying that soon He'll show me how to mend those...All of that said simply to say this...those revelations never would have come if not for the crazy state of emotions that ran wild within me for a week. It's baffling to me the things that come out of our times of perceived confusion and chaos - things get really introspective, and I suppose that's when the proverbial 'road work' really begins.
.
One of the most important things I think I've learned is that knowing with your head, is never the same as understanding with your heart. There are things I know...I know that I know...and yet I realize I don't know it in the core of my heart, and so, there is unrest. For example...unconditional love. Growing up, I never knew it or felt it, not even from the very people who are expected to give it. My own parents, for reasons we'll not go into, disowned 2 of their children (me being one of them) for reasons that to this day still baffle me. Without missing a beat, I was unknown to them for over 3 years...there were no phone calls, no holidays, no family dinners, no guidance. Nothing. Consequently, I have been conditioned to believe that love is never truly unconditional...if not even my mother and father could give it to me, then who possibly could? Friends come and go, life happens, disagreements occur and life goes on. Unfortunately, this manifests itself in most of my relationships and more importantly, in my relationship with God. Ding-ding, revelation #1, I don't understand the concept of unconditional love, even from my own creator and that makes for huge problems! It leads to the need to please, and then guilt and terrible condemnation when I don't. In my world with God and even in my relationships here it creates anxiety, disconnection for fear of abandonment (never getting too attached), and self induced pressure built on this belief that if I mess up one too many times or in that one really wrong way, it's all over. While I know in my head that God doesn't work that way, and most other people don't either, I'm beginning to know that my heart hasn't fully received that revelation yet. I don't know if it's something I can do for myself though, I'm just praying God will show me, and reveal it to me so I can walk freely in it and break the lie. I know without a doubt that I was made to love God...the life He divinely brought me out of is proof enough. So why should I ever doubt that He would forever love me in return? Or better yet, that He loved me first?! I know some of you can relate to this, and I know some of you may be reading this, thinking, well of course! Duh... Yeah, it should be so simple to grasp and yet it's amazing how the things of our past and the lies of the enemy completely alter our perception of truth. It becomes so rooted that it's barely recognizable, even to ourselves. And that, my friends, is why it takes such seemingly drastic measures on the part of God to show us our wounds so we can see them for what they are and then learn how to lay them down at His feet. Without that refining we would be destined to a life of misery, trapped in the deceipt of our pasts. I do feel the need, however, to say that I appreciate the things birthed from that specific part of my life. God is truly amazing and continually proves that He works goodness out of any situation. While I can't comprehend the idea of receiving unconditional love...I can most surely give it. For those that I love, those that I care about, my dear friends reading this - please rest assure that I can confidently tell you there is absolutely, positively, nothing in this world you could ever do that would ever make me love you any less...it's just not possible. I pray that you hear my passion in those words. Sometimes it can feel like a foolish loyalty, but I imagine it was born out of the desire to never place the conditions I felt were placed on me, onto anyone else...ever. For that alone, I could never regret the past...how could I?
.
This time has been about much more than just that though - it's been filled with many things and many revelations of the same nature...and it's been challenging I won't lie - but in that, I can appreciate the neccessity of it and the purpose for the challenge. Nobody said it was easy to surrender, and sometimes it would be easier to run from it...and yet I know there's no solace found in running away from surrender but only in running after Jesus with such tenacity that the pain of the challenge gets lost in the glory of His presence. Hmmm - I pray all of you go through it if you haven't already, and that if you have, He'll give you more. Because, I'm pretty darn sure that it only bears fruit, and there's a lifetime of this sort of thing ahead of every one of us.
.
Wow, I wasn't really planning on getting so personal when I sat down at the computer...hadn't even intended to blog and this topic certainly wasn't on my mind - it just sort of came out. I'll take that as a sign. Confession is priceless as it says in one of my most cherished Psalms...
I think that's a good place to close it down...
.

Psalm 32:3-5

When I kept silent,

my bones wasted away

through my groaning all day long.

For night and day

your hand was heavy upon me;

my strength was sapped

as in the heat of summer.

Then I acknowledged my sin to you

and did not cover up my iniquity.

I said, "I will confess my transgressions

to the LORD"

and you forgave

the guilt of my sin.

When the rains come...

It's the day you get the phone call. A lost loved one. The cancer has spread. You get the pink slip. You've lost the house. It's the day the storm rolls into your life. Or maybe it's a past storm, abuse, neglect, poverty, abandonment. The storms of our past that still tug at our hearts, asking the question we cannot answer...why? So often, as Christians, we fall into the ideology that our lives are supposed to be protected, sheltered, spared from the atrocities that befall those around us. And we are, just not in ways that our flesh will immediately acknowledge. Our protection is not just seen in the absence of hardship in our lives, but rather what we receive in the midst of those hardships...Our Comforter, our Councilor, our life source of strength and encouragement. Could you imagine getting the phone call without it? Enduring the storm without the shelter of peace and praise?
.
The person caught in the middle of the storm, with it's relentless wind, roaring thunder, flashes of lightning, it so easily consumes our reality. It is so large, so overwhelming that it's all we have the ability to see and acknowledge. We see rain, we see lightning and we can feel it pouring down on top of our exposed heads. The sky is dark in every direction and there's the question again, looming on our shoulders...why?
.
I could imagine that a father in the act of protecting his child from harm has never felt so close to them, so filled with love for them, so full of compassion and the determination to keep them safe, providing words of comfort and promises of 'everything's going to be okay'. Just because the father is trying to protect his child, doesn't mean they are spared from the experience, or are oblivious to the terror and chaos going on around them. Not at all, but they do have the arms and the promising words of their father, whom they trust to keep those words. Child like faith. There is so much to gained from reaching that state of a child's trust in their father.
Isaiah 40:11 He tends His flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart. What if...our deepest heartaches and darkest hours are in actuality God's most intimate memories with His children? In the hour of our storm, He came and gathered us and held us close to His heart. Psalm 18:16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He draws us out and then carries us, and the whole time, He is reminding us of His promises to protect and comfort and provide. Over and over again telling us that it's going to be okay, He's not going to let us go. He sees the clouds breaking ahead even if we can't. Can you imagine the way His heart must fill for us in those times? Finally, He gets to clutch us close to His heart, so close that His lips are to our ears, face to face with our very own God. He must treasure those moments (as should we!), they must be some of His fondest and most precious thoughts of us. Sometimes I wonder if it hurts His heart when we ask, why? Forgetting the arms that carried us and only remembering the storm. Forgetting the words He whispered in our ear and only hearing the thunder. When the sight of His face is lost in the flashes of lightning. He still remembers though, and He still treasures every moment of it. He can still recall the very words He spoke to you in those times...does it grieve Him that we forget?
.
Now, in the spirit of being human, I'll acknowledge that it still hurts, the storms still bring pain. Just because He's carrying us, doesn't mean we're oblivious to the situation...it's just different though, when you have the higher perspective to cling to. Thinking that somehow, in the midst of your turmoil and trouble, God is eagerly waiting to show Himself to you. And with that, I'll conclude with a word of encouragement, to store in your heart the promises of God's comfort and protection. When the storms roll in, and they will, revisit the promises of your Father, remind yourself of His heart. It is the heart of a Father who would do anything to keep His children safe. This may not always appear to be the case during the storm...but never forget...He is the Father that hand delivered His own Son to die in the most tragic way and the Father who stormed the very gates of hell to ensure that we could always be near Him. What kind of love is this...and what have I done to deserve it. It is a perfect love. And the answer to the 2nd question is what makes it so beautifully perfect...absolutely nothing.
.

Hosea 11:4

I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them.

.

Psalm 119:50

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

.

Isaiah 49:13

For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones

.

Psalm 91:4-5

he will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day

91:14

"Because he loves me", says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him..."

.

Matthew 5:4

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

.

I encourage anyone reading this to visit Rob Bells website at NOOMA.com - he has a video clip called 'Rain' - it's 11 minutes of your life, but I promise you, it's worth the time.

The sounds of silence...

It amazes me at times the lengths people will go through (myself included) to avoid silence. What is it about the absence of noise that makes people get so antsy? I see it in the elevator, people making mindless small talk or clearing their throat, humming, anything to create some kind of noise that will fill the awkward air during the 60 second ride shared to the 3rd floor. I realized last night that the radio in my apartment has not been shut off for a week now - it has been on continuously, when I wake up -- noise. When I come home -- noise. So many of us spend our days filling it with "stuff"-- noise, tv, radios, dinners, books, meetings, shopping...the list is endless. Last night I came home, sat down on my couch and did nothing...absolutely nothing - and I realized how much goes on up in that little room upstairs when you have nothing to fill it with. My thought life is often in the form of conversation with God...and after a while, I found myself asking some really uncomfortable questions..."Lord, what are you doing with me? Where are you sending me? What's the point of this? What have I done with my life? Have I really done anything of value? Is anything I do of value?" Yikes! Where did that come from? Every question, like this cloud of impending futility. My mind began to race faster and faster, like a little cyclone of question marks and exclamation points...aha...this is why we don't like silence. The noise of our day has become more like a temporary distraction from what the mind really wants to know about...it keeps us occupied long enough to avoid those questions that make our stomach church. It's in those times of quiet that our mind is made to acknowledge the deeper things of life, being of course God and His purposes for our lives, and if we're not at peace with those things, the result can be extremely uncomfortable. What happens when we sit long enough to flesh all that out, to get past the junk and get to the real matter at hand. What happens when we're still long enough to really listen...I believe it's then that we can most clearly hear the voice of God. Calling us. Beckoning for our thoughts. Whispering His calling. Knocking on our door. I often wonder if more people wouldn't come to God sooner if they were forced to spend more time in solitude. I would imagine that after some time spent alone with our own thoughts, one would be forced to acknowledge God and His purposes...because we on our own, have none. How much do we impede the voice of God with our daily noise, our daily hustle and bustle of the things that we are trying to believe matter in this world...
.
God Himself tells us that He desires rest and stillness for our lives.
Isaiah 30:15 In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. You said, 'No, we will flee on horses.' Or in our cases, 'we will flee to our jobs, to our movies and to our cell phones' - we are literally refusing the strength He is promising us, we are refusing His blessing and desire for our lives! Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Dear Lord, what have we been missing? Your songs to us, Your words for us, lost in our inability to be still.
.
The problem is that this 'noise' we call life started at such a young age. Years and years of filling our minds and our time -- we don't know what to do with ourselves without it. Unfortunately, the inability to quiet our lives, leads to the inability to listen. It's really hard to have a conversation with someone while sitting in the 3rd row of a rock concert. I imagine that's what it looks like in relation to our conversations with God. We want words, we want revelation, we want wisdom, but we refuse to leave to concert long enough to actually hear what He has to say. Stop and picture it...there He is, standing right next to us, talking and sharing His heart, and even if we're looking Him straight in the face, we still can't hear Him over the racket. So, let's start with a trip to the bathroom...still a little loud, but oh, so much better than the 3rd row. And then, maybe we'll actually exit the gates...even better, but your ears are still ringing and a little dull from being so close to the speakers. So let's continue walking...and eventually His words are crystal clear. All that to say, it takes time to fully get away from the noise, to fully regain our hearing. It's not a quick trip to the restroom that does it...we have to actually leave the park and go on a walk down the street to gain the full value of what He has to say to us. And as we finally hear what it was that He's been trying to say all this time, we suddenly realize that the concert we were so captivated by wasn't really all that good to begin with...we begin to crave the quiet.
.
So...the question remains...are you willing to sit through the awkward silence, to go on a walk down the path of quietness, to leave your own personal concert, if the end result is the clear and unmistakable voice of God? I know I am...and I'm heading towards the exit now.

Insurance 101 (Friday boredom)

I'm really not wanting to work today...and it's rare that I ever don't want to work so bad that I actually stop. You know it must be bad.
So. Given the recent string of really, really challenging and at times fascinating people I have dealt with this week and with all of this spare time that I have (that's a joke for those of you who know anything a/b my job) I thought I would put together a little list to help educate the general population about insurance. Here goes...
.
1. If you are at home and a pipe suddenly breaks gushing gallons and gallons of water into your home:
*Do: Turn the water off. Call a plumber. Call Service Master. Then call your insurance company.
*Don't: Watch it. Leave to go and get help (while the water is still running). Try to dry it out with your old trusty box fan from '89.
.
.
2. When you put a pan of grease on your stove:
*Do: Cook something in it...Preferably pancakes, eggs or bacon please.
*Don't: Walk away to take a load of laundry out of your dryer (on the next floor), go out back to 'fire up the grill', turn on the wrong burner -- honestly, you'd be better off not owning a stove.
.
3. If you come back from smelling the laundry and there is a blazing fire in your kitchen:
*Do: Use a fire extinguisher to put it out...or maybe just leave. Call the fire dept.
*Don't: Pour water on it. Attempt to beat it into submission with a kitchen towel or any other flammable object for that matter (I've never understood the logic there). Hang around to watch it burn.
.
.
4. If you are a homeowner and you see a water stain in your bedroom ceiling:
*Do: Call a plumber to check your plumbing. Call a roofer to check your roof. Fix the ceiling...
*Don't: Ignore it for 11 months, until one day you walk in and your entire ceiling collapses and there is now water and mold and all kinds of healthy stuff all over your bedroom floor...
.
.
5. If you are relaxing at home in front of the fireplace and decide it's time to go to bed:
*Do: Put the fire out (in the fire place). Make sure you close the front guard before leaving.
*Don't: Take the fire wood in the fire place (that was just burning) and put it back out on the wood pile so you can 'use it again later'. Brilliant.
.
.
6. If you live in a Condo and the person above you has a pipe leak, water heater leak, toilet overflow, dishwasher leak etc...and your home is damaged:
*File your own claim - your buddy upstairs isn't responsible for your damage just because it was their pipe...they aren't psychic, with the amazing ability to predict exactly when that pipe is going to break and then decide, that just to be spiteful, they aren't going to do anything about it...it was an accident - call your condo association.
.
.
7. If you have a loss (property or vehicle) that isn't your fault:
*Yes, you still must pay your deductible - and in case you are part of the population who wasn't aware - you do have a deductible...
.
.
8. And now for a real (boring) FYI: roof leaks damaging the interior due to old age, wear and tear and poor maintenance are usually not covered under a property policy, ask your agent a/b it, sometimes you can add endorsements to add the coverage...it's not usually standard.
.
.
Oh and one more very important one...Your insurance adjuster does NOT get a bonus or a raise for screwing you out of money on your insurance claim...I promise.
.
.
Hmmm, that's all for now...there are so many more, but they are probably only funny to me, so I'll spare you the pain. Anyway - haven't had a random post in a while, thought it was due time...and hey, I've always got the time to dedicate to the education of others about insurance and it's many complexities ;) Just call me Captain Insurance...
.
okay, okay...back to work - happy holiday weekend to everyone! Be safe and blessed! The Lord loves you and so do I!!!!

The Potter's Hands....

Jeremiah 18:6

Like clay in the hands of the potter,

so you are in my hands

The hands of a potter...they are graceful, moving freely and with purpose. Firm enough to create the shape of the pot and yet gentle enough not to crush the fruit of their labor. Patient enough to continue molding and reshaping , smoothing out the bumps and imperfections with the skilled hands of a creator...an artist. The potter works with great expectation, with immense care for his masterpiece, never taking his eyes from the creation at hand...he gazes intently at his work ensuring that all is forming as it rightly should be. As he continues to work he feels every bend, every curve every crevice of the pot so that when he is finished he knows his creation inside and out, no part left untouched by his hands.
.
So are we, as the clay pot, every inch shaped, molded and touched by the hands of God. No part unknown to Him, not a hair unseen. I am His greatest creation, as are you. Each of us considered the greatest in His collection, each of us admired by the eyes of the Master Potter...greatly pleased with His work. Each of us molded and remolded in the midst of our imperfections into the final perfect piece of art. Just as the creator had envisioned it to be.
.
And as the clay pot, it is in the fire that we are solidified, made strong and sturdy. Time in the heat of the clay pit perfects our form ensuring that we will hold our shape. And eventually we are smeared (anointed) with a 'finish' so that we may no longer be dull clay pots hidden amidst a sea of the same, but that we might reflect the light to all those that lay eyes on us. We are set apart, easily recognized, and evidently different from those that surround us. Some of us are chosen to be buffed and polished repeatedly with great diligence, until the face of the Potter Himself can be seen in our reflection.
.
The Potter is a master of His trade. He guarantees a perfect and blemish free product. He's inviting every one of us...come and sit on the Potters wheel. Trust Me enough to take a seat...allow My hands to move over you, around you, within you. Trust My abilities enough to know that you will receive My desired shape for your life and in that there is purpose and peace. Come...come and step into the Potters House - let Me show you My gentle hands ...you will most certaintly never be the same.

Discipline...

If you're anything like me, the mere mention of this word makes you cringe and squirm like a five year old preparing for the foot long needle the Dr. is about to plunge into your arm. It is a pretty well known fact that where there's discipline there is most definitely pain. Sometimes it's the quick, sharp pain of a good slap on the wrist and in other cases, it's the slow, burning pain of growth and strengthening. Both are good for us; neither are pleasant by any means.
.
The definition of discipline according to Webster's:
1. Punishment 2. Instruction
.
(Here's where it gets good)...
.
3. training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character
4. control gained by enforcing obedience or order b : orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior c : Self Control
.
Hebrews 12:7
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined, then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in His holiness. No discipline seems seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

I'm sure many people have read that scripture and immediately equated discipline with punishment...I don't read it that way though. Just as a father wants to see his child grow to be a good strong person, with good moral character and qualities, so does our heavenly Father have the same desires for his children....except God want so much more, He wants perfect, holy and blameless children...that's quite the standard. Right or wrong, children are a reflection of their parents, too often the character of a parent is judged according to the successes or failures of their childrens lives. So, if we're walking representatives of God and His character, it's no wonder He has such a vested interest in our personal discipline. He wants His children to reflect His perfect nature (Hebrews 12:14 Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord). To get to that place, much discipline is needed on our part. To go from the ball of filth we were before our salvation to the holy person He calls us to be requires a lot of training and with that a lot more pain. A call to discipline by God is such a blessing for it is because we are His children that He calls us to endure such pain in the first place. I have discovered recently that God's discipline is by far the most painful of any I have encountered. The more necessary the discipline, the more it seems to hurt. Just as physical training creates burning in you muscles, spiritual training brings a burning in your soul. The kind of burning that leads to utter desperation...and then to total dependency on God Himself. It's when the physical aching in your body comes that you have no choice but to cry out, and that is exactly what He's been waiting for. That's when you've been broken - officially broken, and now He can start working. It takes a trusting heart to endure it...to sit through the refiners fire and just take it in faith. Our trust and hope comes in His promises though, that it will in the end produce "a harvest of righteousness and peace".
.
For today I will trust and seek...it's all I can do to keep myself in what I know is His will. Hour by hour I receive the discipline that I know makes me His daughter and I will praise Him for it. Better are 1000 days of discipline than 1 day outside of His Kingdom. I know that there is so much in my character that needs to be molded, there's so much work to be done and I know that if it were up to me to change it, I would never experience growth or greater intimacy with God. That's exactly why it's not up to me...discipline out of pure trust and painful obedience, I have to believe that it glorifies Him, that it pleases Him and therefore it pleases me.
.
I was especially fond of this definition: 4. control gained by enforcing obedience or order -
It implies that God is in control, that God is the enforcer of our discipline and He does so to regain control of our hearts and our minds. To bring us away from whatever it is that was taking His place and to show us that He is still our God, and not the shiny new idol we have built up in His place. I've felt the pricks, the prods and the requests for my obedience to His words, and eventually He left no room for discussion. There is a definite need for what He's doing in me right now, I recognize it every time I feel the ache, the burn, the desperation - it reminds me, that there is only one thing in this life that I should ever allow myself to grow comfortable with or dependent upon, and that is Him...and that's comforting because I know that He'll never leave, He'll never forget and He'll certainly never stop loving me.

Proverbs 3:5-11

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;

fear the LORD and shun evil.
8 This will bring health to your body

and nourishment to your bones.
9 Honor the LORD with your wealth,

with the firstfruits of all your crops;
10 then your barns will be filled to overflowing,

and your vats will brim over with new wine.
11 My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline

and do not resent his rebuke,
12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves,

as a father the son he delights in.

Speechless...

What in the world do you say to a 12 year old who tells you that she doesn't care whether she lives or dies...

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

Yeah, my thoughts exactly. Even now, nothing adequate is coming to mind. This was certainly a question that I wasn't expecting to be faced with ever, let alone when I woke up this morning. What a terrifying moment. If your 12, you're not afraid of dying, and you don't really know Jesus, then what do you fear? Well, if you happen to be a 12 year old anorexic you fear gaining weight. Yes, even more than death itself. Oh buddy, you better believe I was searching the Spirit for an answer to that one.
.
Yadira called today...it was a bad day...she's so tired...they're admitting her to the hospital tomorrow. It was all I needed to hear. I cancelled plans and went to pick her up. For almost 3 hours we walked and talked and it is so incredibly hard to bear it at times...I know her pain, I know her anxiety and I surely know her sense of hopelessness. I bite my tounge so many times fighting the urge to utter many of the cliche statements that so many do, I know how they are receieved, and I know they are ineffective. Just listen...just listen. I had to keep reminding myself...she just needs to unload on someone that isn't going to get angry at her, or punish her. It is such a challenge though, her thoughts were once my own and while it's a blessing that I can understand - it's a curse because I know the chaos in her head and I also know that there are no words to make it better. I can only encourage, speak truth and pray for her.
.
I want so badly for her to understand who Christ is, what He did, what that means for her. To me, it is the only solution to the problem. I honestly don't understand how anyone overcomes the illness without crawling to the Cross. Without Him...there is no hope and there is no reason to get better. Christ gives a purpose and then suddenly there's a real reason to recover. This is where I start to feel inadequate - I'm not sure how to teach a child a/b God, about the blood of Christ. I wasn't a Christian at 12, I don't know what that sounds like to her, I don't know how much she can comprehend at that age. So I guess this is where I end and the Spirit takes complete control because I got nothin'. After I dropped her off and attempted to talk to her dad (who doesn't really speak english) I drove home replaying the conversation in my mind. Should I have said this? Should I have told her that? What can I do to make this go away? It's funny that I caught myself asking those questions, I should know better. There's no magic word, no perfect statement, because I can't fix this. There's only One who can. In that moment of realization it was like a rock was lifted off my shoulders, I let out a breathe (I hadn't even realized that I'd been holding it) and sent it on up to God. I don't have answers, but she doesn't need my answers - she just wants my time, my company and an ear, all of which I can give w/o much effort. My part is easy here, just invest time and a good set of ears and then pray for God to do the rest. Yadira of course has a huge part in this as well...it starts with wanting it and I'm not sure she's fully there yet. She will be soon though, I can see it in her eyes. She's getting tired, she's getting frustrated and the comfort it once brought her seems to be long forgotten.
.
I sincerely petition your prayers on this one...this disease at her age is so hard to break through. It will have to be the hand of God that moves here. Let it be through me Lord...I am here and willing...please send me Lord and then show me how.
.
It has most definitely been an interesting weekend. In 3 days, my heart has broken, my flesh has grieved, the Lord has spoken to me in so many ways and today, He once again showed me the very reason I have fought these battles in my life . His ways are not my own and with every passing day I'm seeing that that's most definitely a good thing. Can I get an Amen people??

Spirit food...

The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men know the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. We have not received the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that way we may understand what God has freely given us.

1 Corinthians 2:9-12

God's own Spirit. He searches even God's deepest and most intimate thoughts and desires. And He searches mine. The Spirit that lives in God, lives in me (1 Corinth 3:16). The Spirit in God...the Spirit in me...hmm. If the same Spirit that searches the depths of God and knows His most intimate thoughts lives within my very own being, one might conclude then that every thought, desire, will and purpose of God is actually resting within my very spirit. It is all there, every bit of it - waiting for its appointed time to be revealed. (Eph 3:3 That is the mystery made known to me by revelation).
.
Man...there's just something about actually acknowledging the idea that Gods very own thoughts are just resting within me, His very will and desire for me and even for all of those around me is actually contained within me. It's direct access to His heart, like a spiritual umbilical cord of sorts linking us directly to our life source, continually pumping us full of spiritual nourishment. I'm no Dr. but from what I can remember in science class, the human umbilical cord supplies some of life's richest and most effective nutrients, and amazingly, it removes waste from the growing baby at the same time. It is absolutely essential for the growth and development of the fetus. In the same ways we desperately need that consistent feed, directly from our life source, of the richest and most effective spiritual nutrients available and even more so we need the waste that is so toxic to our lives to be cleaned out continually. Without this "umbilical cord" our spirits are starved, deprived, contaminated and absolutely clueless. We only know what our flesh and mind says, and we all know how accurate that information can be.
.
I feel that understanding God's thoughts and His desires begins with yielding to the Spirit...allowing Him to lead and guide and teach without interfering. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will (Romans 8:26-27). I'm learning that if I want to know what God's desires for me are, if I want to know the true heart of God - I need to make the Holy Spirit my very best friend. I must let the Spirit show me how to pray, show me what to pray for, and only then can I be sure that I am receiving God's will and not my own. The Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. I like that. A lot of things changed in my praise and prayer life when I stopped speaking so much and just started groaning and waiting. Not even a month ago God shared this revelation with me...in a rather blunt way, He literally told me that He doesn't need my words - He just needs my spirit. What are words to God really? He speaks to our spirit - most often not with literal words...but with pictures, and feelings, peace, comfort, joy, boldness, conviction, grief, gratitude, burdens...none of those are actual words, but they are God's words to our spirit, always guiding and always teaching. But the counselor the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name will teach you all things (John 14:26) and that's because all of the knowledge, all of the wisdom and revelation we could ever want or need is sitting inside of every one of us who has received the Holy Spirit. The possibilities are endless!! They are lessons that cannot be grasped outside of Him, lessons not even conceivable to the flesh. It's time to learn how to be sensitive, to listen, and to lean on God's own Spirit to show us when to take our next step or speak our next word. Kind of makes me want to press in a little harder...knowing that this Spirit isn't this far off distant 'thing' that we get bits and pieces of every now and then but that He's right here, right now........so close........can you feel Him? It's in seasons like the one I'm journeying through now that I realize how inadequate, irrelevant and ineffective my own thoughts and ideas are...I think I'm ready to toss those and try asking Someone who might actually have a real answer...

Romans 8:14

because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.

Romans 8:16

The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children

Pieces...

The question of the night...would God break my heart into a million little pieces to show me how to love Him more? As difficult as it is for me to accept it...I think that He would, and I think that He is. Swallowing this lump in my throat, I can only sit here in a state of confusion and say to my Lord - show me...because I don't understand, I just don't understand. I've often said and believed that obedience can be painful, but I've never experienced it on this level - never. It is a desperate feeling, one which cannot be remedied by any earthly means. My flesh is dying a very slow and painful death right now...who would have thought it could hurt this bad? I know I didn't. Prayers for peace seem to be answered by more anxiety, more questions, more doubt, more pain...and yet I'm sure that it probably has more to do with my inability to receive it right now that it does with God not answering. The enemy is crafty, I've always known that - I can hear the lies one by one as they are fired into my thoughts like missels in a military attack. And one by one I recognize and rebuke them...thank God I can recognize them now though, I haven't always been so lucky.
.
Lord, your ways are such a mystery to me, I can't pretend to have a clue about what You're doing here...but please work quickly and send a wind of your peace soon. I feel paralyzed Lord...unable to move, unable to speak until you show me where to go and what to say. Just give me a glimmer of understanding, just something to get me through until tomorrow, and then a little more would be greatly appreciated...
Until then, I'll just sit and wait and trust. Your ways are not my own, and so I'll pursuit a child like faith in You, one that doesn't fear and one that doesn't doubt or question. A faith that welcomes what You bring, knowing that it is You that brings it and that it must be for Your glory...
This chorus has been running through my head all day today...it's my meditation right now...it is such a dangerous prayer, but a holy one and I'm sure so pleasing to the Lords ears...

Bring me joy bring me peace

bring the chance to be free,

bring me anything that brings you glory

and I know there'll be days

when this life brings me pain

but if that's what it takes to praise you

Jesus bring the rain.

Spiritual Soapbox...

*A little preface - this post is a little random, a little unorganized and a little intense...I speak to myself as much as I do to anyone else - just wanted to make that known...I'm first in line when it comes to accepting my fleshly weakness and need for grace. The Lord was pressing me in a big way tonight and this is what came of it...unedited and unapologetically. I pray you receive whatever is of the Lord, and discard anything that might have come from me.*

.

Sweet Jesus, precious, precious Jesus...you are so Holy, so perfect and so amazing. Our picture of Jesus is so skewed, so blurred by the cultural definition of who He is and what He looks like. We are so accustomed to the images that have been created throughout history that I think we've stopped searching for His true face. We're comfortable with what we've been shown, with what's familiar...it's just easier to accept that and move on. Would we recognize Jesus today? Would we accept Him in our society? These lyrics hit my heart like a piece of cold steel tonight:

Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ,
Then why do you look so much like the world?
.
Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to bless me with the wealth of this land
Blessed are they that thirst and hunger for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand
.
Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?
.
Who is this that you follow
The picture of the American dream
If Jesus were here would you walk right by on the other side
Or fall down and worship His Holy feet
.
Pretty blue eyes, curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is this how you see Him as He dies for your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part
Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him
.
Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
So which one do you want to be?
.
Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on his feet might stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd

And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud.

.
When in the world did we come to the conclusion that we were better than those with less? Who decided that our value is dependent on the clothes we wear or the car we drive or the title we hold. Where in the Bible does it say that?? When did we decide that we deserve anything more than death? It is only by the GRACE of God that we are entitled to anything else. Let us not forget that w/o it we are no better than the murderer or the rapist or the terrorist sitting prison...think about that...you see the words, but do you believe it? Not by our standards, but by Gods...do you see it? Pretty people, locked in a pretty church with crimson carpet and fresh cut flowers. How often did Jesus do His work within the walls of a church? How often did He settle for comfort over the will of His Father?? How can we possibly minister to others when we're stuck in the walls of the church, holding ourselves up on a pedestal of pride and vanity, searching for the next person to fulfill our selfish need for affirmation and love. We are such parasites...our lives spent sucking everyone around us dry in order to quench that insatiable thirst in our hearts. And then we pray for more...God, give me financial blessing, give me more of this and more of that...what MORE do we need than life? Not life today, but life in His Kingdom...oh Lord, when will we, when will I, get it?
.
We lack gratitude, we lack reverence, we lack humility...humility...that's what it is. The point here is not to condemn or create guilt, but to impart true, pure and humble gratitude for the things we have been given...the gifts we were granted before we were even born into existence. The gifts that were granted to every one of us, you, me, the homeless on the corner, the addict, the gang member, the murderer...the sacrifice was for every one of us and don't for one second think that you're any different than any of the other mentioned...what is in them is within every one of us...you'd better believe it. We're all made of the same flesh and the same sinful nature. Most of us are just fortunate enough to have avoided those paths, again, not by our own doing or work, but by the undeserved grace of God.
.
Would you proclaim Christ if it meant death? Would you worship Him if it meant being locked in a cell, starved and tortured day upon endless day? If it meant watching your children being killed? Do you trust Him that much? Don't just give the standard "of course" here...think a/b it for a moment, and think a/b what it would take to endure those things. Would you even think a/b denying Him? Peter did...don't be so quick to say that you wouldn't. Dear Lord...show me how to be less of myself, how to trust You more and to live only by Your will...it's all that really matters, it's the only thing that makes this life worth living.
.

Dying for perfection?

Yeah...it's graphic, and if that's painful to look at, I wouldn't recomend looking at the ones that will follow. This my friends is what satan is doing to millions of girl all over the world. Young, sweet, tender minded girls - this is what they desire, this is what they seek identity in and this is what they look like. It's real, it happens, girls really do look like this. You will probably never know b/c they hide it under baggy shirts and fake smiles, but they are there...more than you could possibly imagine. Every day, satan is feeding them the lies, pushing them further into solitude and locking them into the dungeon of their mind and so many of us just look the other way. We ignore because it's embarrasing...we deny b/c it's easy, we pretend b/c it's uncomfortable. I met a little angel tonight. A 12 year old girl, so small and so fragile I would have guessed she was 8 or 9 at most. The last year and a half of her life spent starving herself, until she is now just a fleeting shadow of what she once was, physically, mentally and emotionally. The majority of her school year spent in and out of hospitals, in counseling or alone. As I'm sitting across from her, all I can see is sadness and my heart breaks into a million pieces. I don't know that I have ever felt such compassion for a human being in my life. I know her troubles and I know her pain and I would give anything...anything, to take it from her and spare her from the life I know she will live if she continues walking this path. And so I tell her my story, my struggles and talk to her a lot a/b what I know is going on in her head. I'm pretty sure I even know her thoughts about what I'm saying to her, I'm sure I've had similar ones in the past. We talked about God and a/b being His daughter, about identity and about healing. We talked about satan and a/b the lies and in the end we prayed...I don't know if I have ever literally pleaded with God before...but I did tonight. Through sobs and tears I begged Him to take this from her - she's too young for this affliction Lord, too young. And yet there are so many just like her...it is terrifying to think about. It is something that I hope those reading this will never understand. It is something that I could never explain or make sense of. But it is a real disease, one that effects so many and yet is so often swept under the rug. It is real though, it is the real deal...it's the desire to look like this...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Or maybe like this...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

And the one that chills my soul to the core...

Dear Lord....

I was utterly convinced tonight, probably around the time that I was broken and weeping for this girls soul, that in some way, in some form or fashion I will at some point in my life, be involved in mentoring young girls out of this wretched disease. How could I possibly ignore the things that the Lord has taught me in my 6 years of battle? It would be a fallacy on my part to ignore, pretend and deny. I realized tonight that even through my sometimes imperfect recovery I am still useful to God and I am still still capable of reaching these girls out of my pure compassion for what they are experiencing. In ways I feel that I may have been more blessed by tonights encounter than even the little girl was...definitely not what I was expecting, then again the Lord works in funny ways like that sometimes.

I don't know what happened in that little girls head and heart tonight, but I'm standing in faith that the Lord was and is at work there. I knew last night that He was involved in this, and I know that even if I never see her again, that He had a purpose for the encounter...even if only one thing I said to her tonight sticks - it was worth the time and the visit...of course I'll be continuing to pray for a miraculous healing and I hope you will be too...

Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come."--Matthew 24:42

God gives us no warning of when this will take place. He won't call us on the telephone to say that He's in the area and will drop by around 4 o'clock if that's convenient. We will not be given an opportunity to run around frantically trying to clean up our living space to make it appear acceptable to Him.
God wants us to be ready at any moment for His appearance. We need to live each day as if it was our last, and focus on the things that really matter--like developing a relationship with Him. The day will come when we will run out of opportunities to get our hearts right with God. While we still have time, we need to spend time with Him.

I have to confess...I am definitely guilty of thinking at times...I'll get it right tomorrow. Silly me, thinking that God somehow didn't see the failings of today. Those times when I cringe at the tone I have taken with a friend, or a co-worker, or when I've been less than loving or let's face it, just flat out rude to someone. The lies that I've told, the impatience I display, my lack of service or action for someone in need...turning the blind eye b/c I was in a hurry or having a personal pity party of some sort. Worse yet, the days that I worship my 'idols' over God, the days that I fail to worship Him at all, the days that I doubt. In all of it, there's always that quiet thought...'I'll get it right tomorrow'.

God sees today though, and it breaks His heart. Tomorrow will come with it's own shortcomings and more promises for the next day and what then? Every day filled with empty and unfulfilled intent...what if tomorrow doesn't come? What if I'm faced with Judgment tonight? I know that I am covered in the blood of Christ and my salvation is secure...but do I really want to stand before God to account for my countless unfulfilled promises and good intentions? How humbling and literally humiliating will it be?? Or do I want to be able to stand before Him and hear Him say 'well done good and faithful servant. You fought the good fight'. I am so grateful for the mercy that He has offered, allowing me to be secure in my salvation in spite of the shortcomings of my flesh...but I want to be more for Him, I want to make Him proud just as I desired to make my earthly father proud as a little girl. There was no greater feeling than seeing my fathers eyes after doing something that made his heart swell with pride. Even as a child, I knew my father well enough to know what pleased him, what made him happy, what would make him proud of me, and I strived to do those exact things. I want to see Gods eyes light up in the same way. How do I do that in relation to God? Well, I think it starts with something Miller talked a/b this week. Becoming nothing - just as Jesus did...emptying myself and becoming nothing except what my Father sees me as. Seeing only what He sees, doing only what I see Him do, saying only what I hear Him say...and that is only done by knowing Him and His ways so intimately that they become my own ways w/o second thought. I desire the gifts, the blessings and the authority I have been promised through Christ...but Lord, I desire the giver so much more. Please don't misread what I'm saying here - in no way can we 'earn' our Fathers love by acts and works - it is given just because we exist...just b/c he created us. Rather, I want to please and serve Him b/c He loves me so much. I want to make Him proud b/c of the mercy and grace he has offered. It is my response to what He has already freely given me. It is often said that we must give love in order to receive it and the Lord has given us more than we know what to do with...it's only fair that He should receive my love in return, in the form of obedience and righteous living.

No snow for me!

Well friends...the news is in. The job in Chicago that I have been so anxiously waiting to hear word on has officially been given to a very deserving gentleman who already lives in Illinoise - Whew!

While I spent a lot of time praying about what the Lord could possibly need me for in Chicago, I was really sweating the idea of going back north. Since I found out a/b the potential move I have spent a lot of hours thinking about how much I love my home. The thought of leaving my church home, my friends and this wonderful warm weather was a little more than I could bear!

I thank you all for your prayers! I am 100% confident that the Lord has worked this out exactly as it was meant to be. I was made for this place!!! I just wonder why it took me 20 years to get here! So for now, I think I shall spend the next few days basking in the warm sun and praising God for not making me leave :)

Blessings to all of you - I love you so very much and pray that you are receiving more of the Lords love and wisdom with every passing day!