Reconstruction...

Ha, or maybe the next 500 miles...more on that in a moment though...
It's amazing to me the ways in which the Lord heals, He moves, He provides. Over the course of the past 2 weeks I think I have experienced more emotion than was ever intended to take place within a human being at one time. I mean, really, is it honestly possible to feel confused but sure, angry but joyful, broken but at peace, restless but still, helpless but empowered, terrified and hopeful all at the exact same time? At first it sounds like the perfect description of Cybil and her 30 or more different personalities and honestly that might be a little what it felt like, but it's definitely possible, especially when you're starving your flesh to exhalt your spirit. The battle is fierce. Looking back on it, I never want to feel it again and yet part of me knows it was so good and so incredibly pleasing for the Lord. When has He ever heard me cry for Him so deeply, or ache so desperately for just a whisper of His presence? Sitting on the other side, feeling like the pieces are coming back together - I think I'm realizing the purpose...gaining more understanding with every passing day. During a recent soaking/prayer time the Lord showed me some really random memories from my childhood - things that I think have a lot more to do with my 'today' than I can understand right now, which I'm praying about with great expectation. He's showed me some really old, really deep, and really infected wounds that I've never taken care of and I'm praying that soon He'll show me how to mend those...All of that said simply to say this...those revelations never would have come if not for the crazy state of emotions that ran wild within me for a week. It's baffling to me the things that come out of our times of perceived confusion and chaos - things get really introspective, and I suppose that's when the proverbial 'road work' really begins.
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One of the most important things I think I've learned is that knowing with your head, is never the same as understanding with your heart. There are things I know...I know that I know...and yet I realize I don't know it in the core of my heart, and so, there is unrest. For example...unconditional love. Growing up, I never knew it or felt it, not even from the very people who are expected to give it. My own parents, for reasons we'll not go into, disowned 2 of their children (me being one of them) for reasons that to this day still baffle me. Without missing a beat, I was unknown to them for over 3 years...there were no phone calls, no holidays, no family dinners, no guidance. Nothing. Consequently, I have been conditioned to believe that love is never truly unconditional...if not even my mother and father could give it to me, then who possibly could? Friends come and go, life happens, disagreements occur and life goes on. Unfortunately, this manifests itself in most of my relationships and more importantly, in my relationship with God. Ding-ding, revelation #1, I don't understand the concept of unconditional love, even from my own creator and that makes for huge problems! It leads to the need to please, and then guilt and terrible condemnation when I don't. In my world with God and even in my relationships here it creates anxiety, disconnection for fear of abandonment (never getting too attached), and self induced pressure built on this belief that if I mess up one too many times or in that one really wrong way, it's all over. While I know in my head that God doesn't work that way, and most other people don't either, I'm beginning to know that my heart hasn't fully received that revelation yet. I don't know if it's something I can do for myself though, I'm just praying God will show me, and reveal it to me so I can walk freely in it and break the lie. I know without a doubt that I was made to love God...the life He divinely brought me out of is proof enough. So why should I ever doubt that He would forever love me in return? Or better yet, that He loved me first?! I know some of you can relate to this, and I know some of you may be reading this, thinking, well of course! Duh... Yeah, it should be so simple to grasp and yet it's amazing how the things of our past and the lies of the enemy completely alter our perception of truth. It becomes so rooted that it's barely recognizable, even to ourselves. And that, my friends, is why it takes such seemingly drastic measures on the part of God to show us our wounds so we can see them for what they are and then learn how to lay them down at His feet. Without that refining we would be destined to a life of misery, trapped in the deceipt of our pasts. I do feel the need, however, to say that I appreciate the things birthed from that specific part of my life. God is truly amazing and continually proves that He works goodness out of any situation. While I can't comprehend the idea of receiving unconditional love...I can most surely give it. For those that I love, those that I care about, my dear friends reading this - please rest assure that I can confidently tell you there is absolutely, positively, nothing in this world you could ever do that would ever make me love you any less...it's just not possible. I pray that you hear my passion in those words. Sometimes it can feel like a foolish loyalty, but I imagine it was born out of the desire to never place the conditions I felt were placed on me, onto anyone else...ever. For that alone, I could never regret the past...how could I?
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This time has been about much more than just that though - it's been filled with many things and many revelations of the same nature...and it's been challenging I won't lie - but in that, I can appreciate the neccessity of it and the purpose for the challenge. Nobody said it was easy to surrender, and sometimes it would be easier to run from it...and yet I know there's no solace found in running away from surrender but only in running after Jesus with such tenacity that the pain of the challenge gets lost in the glory of His presence. Hmmm - I pray all of you go through it if you haven't already, and that if you have, He'll give you more. Because, I'm pretty darn sure that it only bears fruit, and there's a lifetime of this sort of thing ahead of every one of us.
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Wow, I wasn't really planning on getting so personal when I sat down at the computer...hadn't even intended to blog and this topic certainly wasn't on my mind - it just sort of came out. I'll take that as a sign. Confession is priceless as it says in one of my most cherished Psalms...
I think that's a good place to close it down...
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Psalm 32:3-5

When I kept silent,

my bones wasted away

through my groaning all day long.

For night and day

your hand was heavy upon me;

my strength was sapped

as in the heat of summer.

Then I acknowledged my sin to you

and did not cover up my iniquity.

I said, "I will confess my transgressions

to the LORD"

and you forgave

the guilt of my sin.

When the rains come...

It's the day you get the phone call. A lost loved one. The cancer has spread. You get the pink slip. You've lost the house. It's the day the storm rolls into your life. Or maybe it's a past storm, abuse, neglect, poverty, abandonment. The storms of our past that still tug at our hearts, asking the question we cannot answer...why? So often, as Christians, we fall into the ideology that our lives are supposed to be protected, sheltered, spared from the atrocities that befall those around us. And we are, just not in ways that our flesh will immediately acknowledge. Our protection is not just seen in the absence of hardship in our lives, but rather what we receive in the midst of those hardships...Our Comforter, our Councilor, our life source of strength and encouragement. Could you imagine getting the phone call without it? Enduring the storm without the shelter of peace and praise?
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The person caught in the middle of the storm, with it's relentless wind, roaring thunder, flashes of lightning, it so easily consumes our reality. It is so large, so overwhelming that it's all we have the ability to see and acknowledge. We see rain, we see lightning and we can feel it pouring down on top of our exposed heads. The sky is dark in every direction and there's the question again, looming on our shoulders...why?
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I could imagine that a father in the act of protecting his child from harm has never felt so close to them, so filled with love for them, so full of compassion and the determination to keep them safe, providing words of comfort and promises of 'everything's going to be okay'. Just because the father is trying to protect his child, doesn't mean they are spared from the experience, or are oblivious to the terror and chaos going on around them. Not at all, but they do have the arms and the promising words of their father, whom they trust to keep those words. Child like faith. There is so much to gained from reaching that state of a child's trust in their father.
Isaiah 40:11 He tends His flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart. What if...our deepest heartaches and darkest hours are in actuality God's most intimate memories with His children? In the hour of our storm, He came and gathered us and held us close to His heart. Psalm 18:16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He draws us out and then carries us, and the whole time, He is reminding us of His promises to protect and comfort and provide. Over and over again telling us that it's going to be okay, He's not going to let us go. He sees the clouds breaking ahead even if we can't. Can you imagine the way His heart must fill for us in those times? Finally, He gets to clutch us close to His heart, so close that His lips are to our ears, face to face with our very own God. He must treasure those moments (as should we!), they must be some of His fondest and most precious thoughts of us. Sometimes I wonder if it hurts His heart when we ask, why? Forgetting the arms that carried us and only remembering the storm. Forgetting the words He whispered in our ear and only hearing the thunder. When the sight of His face is lost in the flashes of lightning. He still remembers though, and He still treasures every moment of it. He can still recall the very words He spoke to you in those times...does it grieve Him that we forget?
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Now, in the spirit of being human, I'll acknowledge that it still hurts, the storms still bring pain. Just because He's carrying us, doesn't mean we're oblivious to the situation...it's just different though, when you have the higher perspective to cling to. Thinking that somehow, in the midst of your turmoil and trouble, God is eagerly waiting to show Himself to you. And with that, I'll conclude with a word of encouragement, to store in your heart the promises of God's comfort and protection. When the storms roll in, and they will, revisit the promises of your Father, remind yourself of His heart. It is the heart of a Father who would do anything to keep His children safe. This may not always appear to be the case during the storm...but never forget...He is the Father that hand delivered His own Son to die in the most tragic way and the Father who stormed the very gates of hell to ensure that we could always be near Him. What kind of love is this...and what have I done to deserve it. It is a perfect love. And the answer to the 2nd question is what makes it so beautifully perfect...absolutely nothing.
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Hosea 11:4

I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them.

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Psalm 119:50

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

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Isaiah 49:13

For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones

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Psalm 91:4-5

he will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day

91:14

"Because he loves me", says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him..."

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Matthew 5:4

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

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I encourage anyone reading this to visit Rob Bells website at NOOMA.com - he has a video clip called 'Rain' - it's 11 minutes of your life, but I promise you, it's worth the time.

The sounds of silence...

It amazes me at times the lengths people will go through (myself included) to avoid silence. What is it about the absence of noise that makes people get so antsy? I see it in the elevator, people making mindless small talk or clearing their throat, humming, anything to create some kind of noise that will fill the awkward air during the 60 second ride shared to the 3rd floor. I realized last night that the radio in my apartment has not been shut off for a week now - it has been on continuously, when I wake up -- noise. When I come home -- noise. So many of us spend our days filling it with "stuff"-- noise, tv, radios, dinners, books, meetings, shopping...the list is endless. Last night I came home, sat down on my couch and did nothing...absolutely nothing - and I realized how much goes on up in that little room upstairs when you have nothing to fill it with. My thought life is often in the form of conversation with God...and after a while, I found myself asking some really uncomfortable questions..."Lord, what are you doing with me? Where are you sending me? What's the point of this? What have I done with my life? Have I really done anything of value? Is anything I do of value?" Yikes! Where did that come from? Every question, like this cloud of impending futility. My mind began to race faster and faster, like a little cyclone of question marks and exclamation points...aha...this is why we don't like silence. The noise of our day has become more like a temporary distraction from what the mind really wants to know about...it keeps us occupied long enough to avoid those questions that make our stomach church. It's in those times of quiet that our mind is made to acknowledge the deeper things of life, being of course God and His purposes for our lives, and if we're not at peace with those things, the result can be extremely uncomfortable. What happens when we sit long enough to flesh all that out, to get past the junk and get to the real matter at hand. What happens when we're still long enough to really listen...I believe it's then that we can most clearly hear the voice of God. Calling us. Beckoning for our thoughts. Whispering His calling. Knocking on our door. I often wonder if more people wouldn't come to God sooner if they were forced to spend more time in solitude. I would imagine that after some time spent alone with our own thoughts, one would be forced to acknowledge God and His purposes...because we on our own, have none. How much do we impede the voice of God with our daily noise, our daily hustle and bustle of the things that we are trying to believe matter in this world...
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God Himself tells us that He desires rest and stillness for our lives.
Isaiah 30:15 In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. You said, 'No, we will flee on horses.' Or in our cases, 'we will flee to our jobs, to our movies and to our cell phones' - we are literally refusing the strength He is promising us, we are refusing His blessing and desire for our lives! Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Dear Lord, what have we been missing? Your songs to us, Your words for us, lost in our inability to be still.
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The problem is that this 'noise' we call life started at such a young age. Years and years of filling our minds and our time -- we don't know what to do with ourselves without it. Unfortunately, the inability to quiet our lives, leads to the inability to listen. It's really hard to have a conversation with someone while sitting in the 3rd row of a rock concert. I imagine that's what it looks like in relation to our conversations with God. We want words, we want revelation, we want wisdom, but we refuse to leave to concert long enough to actually hear what He has to say. Stop and picture it...there He is, standing right next to us, talking and sharing His heart, and even if we're looking Him straight in the face, we still can't hear Him over the racket. So, let's start with a trip to the bathroom...still a little loud, but oh, so much better than the 3rd row. And then, maybe we'll actually exit the gates...even better, but your ears are still ringing and a little dull from being so close to the speakers. So let's continue walking...and eventually His words are crystal clear. All that to say, it takes time to fully get away from the noise, to fully regain our hearing. It's not a quick trip to the restroom that does it...we have to actually leave the park and go on a walk down the street to gain the full value of what He has to say to us. And as we finally hear what it was that He's been trying to say all this time, we suddenly realize that the concert we were so captivated by wasn't really all that good to begin with...we begin to crave the quiet.
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So...the question remains...are you willing to sit through the awkward silence, to go on a walk down the path of quietness, to leave your own personal concert, if the end result is the clear and unmistakable voice of God? I know I am...and I'm heading towards the exit now.

Insurance 101 (Friday boredom)

I'm really not wanting to work today...and it's rare that I ever don't want to work so bad that I actually stop. You know it must be bad.
So. Given the recent string of really, really challenging and at times fascinating people I have dealt with this week and with all of this spare time that I have (that's a joke for those of you who know anything a/b my job) I thought I would put together a little list to help educate the general population about insurance. Here goes...
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1. If you are at home and a pipe suddenly breaks gushing gallons and gallons of water into your home:
*Do: Turn the water off. Call a plumber. Call Service Master. Then call your insurance company.
*Don't: Watch it. Leave to go and get help (while the water is still running). Try to dry it out with your old trusty box fan from '89.
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2. When you put a pan of grease on your stove:
*Do: Cook something in it...Preferably pancakes, eggs or bacon please.
*Don't: Walk away to take a load of laundry out of your dryer (on the next floor), go out back to 'fire up the grill', turn on the wrong burner -- honestly, you'd be better off not owning a stove.
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3. If you come back from smelling the laundry and there is a blazing fire in your kitchen:
*Do: Use a fire extinguisher to put it out...or maybe just leave. Call the fire dept.
*Don't: Pour water on it. Attempt to beat it into submission with a kitchen towel or any other flammable object for that matter (I've never understood the logic there). Hang around to watch it burn.
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4. If you are a homeowner and you see a water stain in your bedroom ceiling:
*Do: Call a plumber to check your plumbing. Call a roofer to check your roof. Fix the ceiling...
*Don't: Ignore it for 11 months, until one day you walk in and your entire ceiling collapses and there is now water and mold and all kinds of healthy stuff all over your bedroom floor...
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5. If you are relaxing at home in front of the fireplace and decide it's time to go to bed:
*Do: Put the fire out (in the fire place). Make sure you close the front guard before leaving.
*Don't: Take the fire wood in the fire place (that was just burning) and put it back out on the wood pile so you can 'use it again later'. Brilliant.
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6. If you live in a Condo and the person above you has a pipe leak, water heater leak, toilet overflow, dishwasher leak etc...and your home is damaged:
*File your own claim - your buddy upstairs isn't responsible for your damage just because it was their pipe...they aren't psychic, with the amazing ability to predict exactly when that pipe is going to break and then decide, that just to be spiteful, they aren't going to do anything about it...it was an accident - call your condo association.
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7. If you have a loss (property or vehicle) that isn't your fault:
*Yes, you still must pay your deductible - and in case you are part of the population who wasn't aware - you do have a deductible...
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8. And now for a real (boring) FYI: roof leaks damaging the interior due to old age, wear and tear and poor maintenance are usually not covered under a property policy, ask your agent a/b it, sometimes you can add endorsements to add the coverage...it's not usually standard.
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Oh and one more very important one...Your insurance adjuster does NOT get a bonus or a raise for screwing you out of money on your insurance claim...I promise.
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Hmmm, that's all for now...there are so many more, but they are probably only funny to me, so I'll spare you the pain. Anyway - haven't had a random post in a while, thought it was due time...and hey, I've always got the time to dedicate to the education of others about insurance and it's many complexities ;) Just call me Captain Insurance...
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okay, okay...back to work - happy holiday weekend to everyone! Be safe and blessed! The Lord loves you and so do I!!!!

The Potter's Hands....

Jeremiah 18:6

Like clay in the hands of the potter,

so you are in my hands

The hands of a potter...they are graceful, moving freely and with purpose. Firm enough to create the shape of the pot and yet gentle enough not to crush the fruit of their labor. Patient enough to continue molding and reshaping , smoothing out the bumps and imperfections with the skilled hands of a creator...an artist. The potter works with great expectation, with immense care for his masterpiece, never taking his eyes from the creation at hand...he gazes intently at his work ensuring that all is forming as it rightly should be. As he continues to work he feels every bend, every curve every crevice of the pot so that when he is finished he knows his creation inside and out, no part left untouched by his hands.
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So are we, as the clay pot, every inch shaped, molded and touched by the hands of God. No part unknown to Him, not a hair unseen. I am His greatest creation, as are you. Each of us considered the greatest in His collection, each of us admired by the eyes of the Master Potter...greatly pleased with His work. Each of us molded and remolded in the midst of our imperfections into the final perfect piece of art. Just as the creator had envisioned it to be.
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And as the clay pot, it is in the fire that we are solidified, made strong and sturdy. Time in the heat of the clay pit perfects our form ensuring that we will hold our shape. And eventually we are smeared (anointed) with a 'finish' so that we may no longer be dull clay pots hidden amidst a sea of the same, but that we might reflect the light to all those that lay eyes on us. We are set apart, easily recognized, and evidently different from those that surround us. Some of us are chosen to be buffed and polished repeatedly with great diligence, until the face of the Potter Himself can be seen in our reflection.
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The Potter is a master of His trade. He guarantees a perfect and blemish free product. He's inviting every one of us...come and sit on the Potters wheel. Trust Me enough to take a seat...allow My hands to move over you, around you, within you. Trust My abilities enough to know that you will receive My desired shape for your life and in that there is purpose and peace. Come...come and step into the Potters House - let Me show you My gentle hands ...you will most certaintly never be the same.

Discipline...

If you're anything like me, the mere mention of this word makes you cringe and squirm like a five year old preparing for the foot long needle the Dr. is about to plunge into your arm. It is a pretty well known fact that where there's discipline there is most definitely pain. Sometimes it's the quick, sharp pain of a good slap on the wrist and in other cases, it's the slow, burning pain of growth and strengthening. Both are good for us; neither are pleasant by any means.
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The definition of discipline according to Webster's:
1. Punishment 2. Instruction
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(Here's where it gets good)...
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3. training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character
4. control gained by enforcing obedience or order b : orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior c : Self Control
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Hebrews 12:7
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined, then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in His holiness. No discipline seems seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

I'm sure many people have read that scripture and immediately equated discipline with punishment...I don't read it that way though. Just as a father wants to see his child grow to be a good strong person, with good moral character and qualities, so does our heavenly Father have the same desires for his children....except God want so much more, He wants perfect, holy and blameless children...that's quite the standard. Right or wrong, children are a reflection of their parents, too often the character of a parent is judged according to the successes or failures of their childrens lives. So, if we're walking representatives of God and His character, it's no wonder He has such a vested interest in our personal discipline. He wants His children to reflect His perfect nature (Hebrews 12:14 Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord). To get to that place, much discipline is needed on our part. To go from the ball of filth we were before our salvation to the holy person He calls us to be requires a lot of training and with that a lot more pain. A call to discipline by God is such a blessing for it is because we are His children that He calls us to endure such pain in the first place. I have discovered recently that God's discipline is by far the most painful of any I have encountered. The more necessary the discipline, the more it seems to hurt. Just as physical training creates burning in you muscles, spiritual training brings a burning in your soul. The kind of burning that leads to utter desperation...and then to total dependency on God Himself. It's when the physical aching in your body comes that you have no choice but to cry out, and that is exactly what He's been waiting for. That's when you've been broken - officially broken, and now He can start working. It takes a trusting heart to endure it...to sit through the refiners fire and just take it in faith. Our trust and hope comes in His promises though, that it will in the end produce "a harvest of righteousness and peace".
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For today I will trust and seek...it's all I can do to keep myself in what I know is His will. Hour by hour I receive the discipline that I know makes me His daughter and I will praise Him for it. Better are 1000 days of discipline than 1 day outside of His Kingdom. I know that there is so much in my character that needs to be molded, there's so much work to be done and I know that if it were up to me to change it, I would never experience growth or greater intimacy with God. That's exactly why it's not up to me...discipline out of pure trust and painful obedience, I have to believe that it glorifies Him, that it pleases Him and therefore it pleases me.
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I was especially fond of this definition: 4. control gained by enforcing obedience or order -
It implies that God is in control, that God is the enforcer of our discipline and He does so to regain control of our hearts and our minds. To bring us away from whatever it is that was taking His place and to show us that He is still our God, and not the shiny new idol we have built up in His place. I've felt the pricks, the prods and the requests for my obedience to His words, and eventually He left no room for discussion. There is a definite need for what He's doing in me right now, I recognize it every time I feel the ache, the burn, the desperation - it reminds me, that there is only one thing in this life that I should ever allow myself to grow comfortable with or dependent upon, and that is Him...and that's comforting because I know that He'll never leave, He'll never forget and He'll certainly never stop loving me.

Proverbs 3:5-11

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;

fear the LORD and shun evil.
8 This will bring health to your body

and nourishment to your bones.
9 Honor the LORD with your wealth,

with the firstfruits of all your crops;
10 then your barns will be filled to overflowing,

and your vats will brim over with new wine.
11 My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline

and do not resent his rebuke,
12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves,

as a father the son he delights in.

Speechless...

What in the world do you say to a 12 year old who tells you that she doesn't care whether she lives or dies...

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Yeah, my thoughts exactly. Even now, nothing adequate is coming to mind. This was certainly a question that I wasn't expecting to be faced with ever, let alone when I woke up this morning. What a terrifying moment. If your 12, you're not afraid of dying, and you don't really know Jesus, then what do you fear? Well, if you happen to be a 12 year old anorexic you fear gaining weight. Yes, even more than death itself. Oh buddy, you better believe I was searching the Spirit for an answer to that one.
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Yadira called today...it was a bad day...she's so tired...they're admitting her to the hospital tomorrow. It was all I needed to hear. I cancelled plans and went to pick her up. For almost 3 hours we walked and talked and it is so incredibly hard to bear it at times...I know her pain, I know her anxiety and I surely know her sense of hopelessness. I bite my tounge so many times fighting the urge to utter many of the cliche statements that so many do, I know how they are receieved, and I know they are ineffective. Just listen...just listen. I had to keep reminding myself...she just needs to unload on someone that isn't going to get angry at her, or punish her. It is such a challenge though, her thoughts were once my own and while it's a blessing that I can understand - it's a curse because I know the chaos in her head and I also know that there are no words to make it better. I can only encourage, speak truth and pray for her.
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I want so badly for her to understand who Christ is, what He did, what that means for her. To me, it is the only solution to the problem. I honestly don't understand how anyone overcomes the illness without crawling to the Cross. Without Him...there is no hope and there is no reason to get better. Christ gives a purpose and then suddenly there's a real reason to recover. This is where I start to feel inadequate - I'm not sure how to teach a child a/b God, about the blood of Christ. I wasn't a Christian at 12, I don't know what that sounds like to her, I don't know how much she can comprehend at that age. So I guess this is where I end and the Spirit takes complete control because I got nothin'. After I dropped her off and attempted to talk to her dad (who doesn't really speak english) I drove home replaying the conversation in my mind. Should I have said this? Should I have told her that? What can I do to make this go away? It's funny that I caught myself asking those questions, I should know better. There's no magic word, no perfect statement, because I can't fix this. There's only One who can. In that moment of realization it was like a rock was lifted off my shoulders, I let out a breathe (I hadn't even realized that I'd been holding it) and sent it on up to God. I don't have answers, but she doesn't need my answers - she just wants my time, my company and an ear, all of which I can give w/o much effort. My part is easy here, just invest time and a good set of ears and then pray for God to do the rest. Yadira of course has a huge part in this as well...it starts with wanting it and I'm not sure she's fully there yet. She will be soon though, I can see it in her eyes. She's getting tired, she's getting frustrated and the comfort it once brought her seems to be long forgotten.
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I sincerely petition your prayers on this one...this disease at her age is so hard to break through. It will have to be the hand of God that moves here. Let it be through me Lord...I am here and willing...please send me Lord and then show me how.
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It has most definitely been an interesting weekend. In 3 days, my heart has broken, my flesh has grieved, the Lord has spoken to me in so many ways and today, He once again showed me the very reason I have fought these battles in my life . His ways are not my own and with every passing day I'm seeing that that's most definitely a good thing. Can I get an Amen people??

Spirit food...

The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men know the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. We have not received the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that way we may understand what God has freely given us.

1 Corinthians 2:9-12

God's own Spirit. He searches even God's deepest and most intimate thoughts and desires. And He searches mine. The Spirit that lives in God, lives in me (1 Corinth 3:16). The Spirit in God...the Spirit in me...hmm. If the same Spirit that searches the depths of God and knows His most intimate thoughts lives within my very own being, one might conclude then that every thought, desire, will and purpose of God is actually resting within my very spirit. It is all there, every bit of it - waiting for its appointed time to be revealed. (Eph 3:3 That is the mystery made known to me by revelation).
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Man...there's just something about actually acknowledging the idea that Gods very own thoughts are just resting within me, His very will and desire for me and even for all of those around me is actually contained within me. It's direct access to His heart, like a spiritual umbilical cord of sorts linking us directly to our life source, continually pumping us full of spiritual nourishment. I'm no Dr. but from what I can remember in science class, the human umbilical cord supplies some of life's richest and most effective nutrients, and amazingly, it removes waste from the growing baby at the same time. It is absolutely essential for the growth and development of the fetus. In the same ways we desperately need that consistent feed, directly from our life source, of the richest and most effective spiritual nutrients available and even more so we need the waste that is so toxic to our lives to be cleaned out continually. Without this "umbilical cord" our spirits are starved, deprived, contaminated and absolutely clueless. We only know what our flesh and mind says, and we all know how accurate that information can be.
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I feel that understanding God's thoughts and His desires begins with yielding to the Spirit...allowing Him to lead and guide and teach without interfering. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will (Romans 8:26-27). I'm learning that if I want to know what God's desires for me are, if I want to know the true heart of God - I need to make the Holy Spirit my very best friend. I must let the Spirit show me how to pray, show me what to pray for, and only then can I be sure that I am receiving God's will and not my own. The Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. I like that. A lot of things changed in my praise and prayer life when I stopped speaking so much and just started groaning and waiting. Not even a month ago God shared this revelation with me...in a rather blunt way, He literally told me that He doesn't need my words - He just needs my spirit. What are words to God really? He speaks to our spirit - most often not with literal words...but with pictures, and feelings, peace, comfort, joy, boldness, conviction, grief, gratitude, burdens...none of those are actual words, but they are God's words to our spirit, always guiding and always teaching. But the counselor the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name will teach you all things (John 14:26) and that's because all of the knowledge, all of the wisdom and revelation we could ever want or need is sitting inside of every one of us who has received the Holy Spirit. The possibilities are endless!! They are lessons that cannot be grasped outside of Him, lessons not even conceivable to the flesh. It's time to learn how to be sensitive, to listen, and to lean on God's own Spirit to show us when to take our next step or speak our next word. Kind of makes me want to press in a little harder...knowing that this Spirit isn't this far off distant 'thing' that we get bits and pieces of every now and then but that He's right here, right now........so close........can you feel Him? It's in seasons like the one I'm journeying through now that I realize how inadequate, irrelevant and ineffective my own thoughts and ideas are...I think I'm ready to toss those and try asking Someone who might actually have a real answer...

Romans 8:14

because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.

Romans 8:16

The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children

Pieces...

The question of the night...would God break my heart into a million little pieces to show me how to love Him more? As difficult as it is for me to accept it...I think that He would, and I think that He is. Swallowing this lump in my throat, I can only sit here in a state of confusion and say to my Lord - show me...because I don't understand, I just don't understand. I've often said and believed that obedience can be painful, but I've never experienced it on this level - never. It is a desperate feeling, one which cannot be remedied by any earthly means. My flesh is dying a very slow and painful death right now...who would have thought it could hurt this bad? I know I didn't. Prayers for peace seem to be answered by more anxiety, more questions, more doubt, more pain...and yet I'm sure that it probably has more to do with my inability to receive it right now that it does with God not answering. The enemy is crafty, I've always known that - I can hear the lies one by one as they are fired into my thoughts like missels in a military attack. And one by one I recognize and rebuke them...thank God I can recognize them now though, I haven't always been so lucky.
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Lord, your ways are such a mystery to me, I can't pretend to have a clue about what You're doing here...but please work quickly and send a wind of your peace soon. I feel paralyzed Lord...unable to move, unable to speak until you show me where to go and what to say. Just give me a glimmer of understanding, just something to get me through until tomorrow, and then a little more would be greatly appreciated...
Until then, I'll just sit and wait and trust. Your ways are not my own, and so I'll pursuit a child like faith in You, one that doesn't fear and one that doesn't doubt or question. A faith that welcomes what You bring, knowing that it is You that brings it and that it must be for Your glory...
This chorus has been running through my head all day today...it's my meditation right now...it is such a dangerous prayer, but a holy one and I'm sure so pleasing to the Lords ears...

Bring me joy bring me peace

bring the chance to be free,

bring me anything that brings you glory

and I know there'll be days

when this life brings me pain

but if that's what it takes to praise you

Jesus bring the rain.

Spiritual Soapbox...

*A little preface - this post is a little random, a little unorganized and a little intense...I speak to myself as much as I do to anyone else - just wanted to make that known...I'm first in line when it comes to accepting my fleshly weakness and need for grace. The Lord was pressing me in a big way tonight and this is what came of it...unedited and unapologetically. I pray you receive whatever is of the Lord, and discard anything that might have come from me.*

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Sweet Jesus, precious, precious Jesus...you are so Holy, so perfect and so amazing. Our picture of Jesus is so skewed, so blurred by the cultural definition of who He is and what He looks like. We are so accustomed to the images that have been created throughout history that I think we've stopped searching for His true face. We're comfortable with what we've been shown, with what's familiar...it's just easier to accept that and move on. Would we recognize Jesus today? Would we accept Him in our society? These lyrics hit my heart like a piece of cold steel tonight:

Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ,
Then why do you look so much like the world?
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Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to bless me with the wealth of this land
Blessed are they that thirst and hunger for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand
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Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?
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Who is this that you follow
The picture of the American dream
If Jesus were here would you walk right by on the other side
Or fall down and worship His Holy feet
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Pretty blue eyes, curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is this how you see Him as He dies for your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part
Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him
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Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
So which one do you want to be?
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Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on his feet might stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd

And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud.

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When in the world did we come to the conclusion that we were better than those with less? Who decided that our value is dependent on the clothes we wear or the car we drive or the title we hold. Where in the Bible does it say that?? When did we decide that we deserve anything more than death? It is only by the GRACE of God that we are entitled to anything else. Let us not forget that w/o it we are no better than the murderer or the rapist or the terrorist sitting prison...think about that...you see the words, but do you believe it? Not by our standards, but by Gods...do you see it? Pretty people, locked in a pretty church with crimson carpet and fresh cut flowers. How often did Jesus do His work within the walls of a church? How often did He settle for comfort over the will of His Father?? How can we possibly minister to others when we're stuck in the walls of the church, holding ourselves up on a pedestal of pride and vanity, searching for the next person to fulfill our selfish need for affirmation and love. We are such parasites...our lives spent sucking everyone around us dry in order to quench that insatiable thirst in our hearts. And then we pray for more...God, give me financial blessing, give me more of this and more of that...what MORE do we need than life? Not life today, but life in His Kingdom...oh Lord, when will we, when will I, get it?
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We lack gratitude, we lack reverence, we lack humility...humility...that's what it is. The point here is not to condemn or create guilt, but to impart true, pure and humble gratitude for the things we have been given...the gifts we were granted before we were even born into existence. The gifts that were granted to every one of us, you, me, the homeless on the corner, the addict, the gang member, the murderer...the sacrifice was for every one of us and don't for one second think that you're any different than any of the other mentioned...what is in them is within every one of us...you'd better believe it. We're all made of the same flesh and the same sinful nature. Most of us are just fortunate enough to have avoided those paths, again, not by our own doing or work, but by the undeserved grace of God.
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Would you proclaim Christ if it meant death? Would you worship Him if it meant being locked in a cell, starved and tortured day upon endless day? If it meant watching your children being killed? Do you trust Him that much? Don't just give the standard "of course" here...think a/b it for a moment, and think a/b what it would take to endure those things. Would you even think a/b denying Him? Peter did...don't be so quick to say that you wouldn't. Dear Lord...show me how to be less of myself, how to trust You more and to live only by Your will...it's all that really matters, it's the only thing that makes this life worth living.
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Dying for perfection?

Yeah...it's graphic, and if that's painful to look at, I wouldn't recomend looking at the ones that will follow. This my friends is what satan is doing to millions of girl all over the world. Young, sweet, tender minded girls - this is what they desire, this is what they seek identity in and this is what they look like. It's real, it happens, girls really do look like this. You will probably never know b/c they hide it under baggy shirts and fake smiles, but they are there...more than you could possibly imagine. Every day, satan is feeding them the lies, pushing them further into solitude and locking them into the dungeon of their mind and so many of us just look the other way. We ignore because it's embarrasing...we deny b/c it's easy, we pretend b/c it's uncomfortable. I met a little angel tonight. A 12 year old girl, so small and so fragile I would have guessed she was 8 or 9 at most. The last year and a half of her life spent starving herself, until she is now just a fleeting shadow of what she once was, physically, mentally and emotionally. The majority of her school year spent in and out of hospitals, in counseling or alone. As I'm sitting across from her, all I can see is sadness and my heart breaks into a million pieces. I don't know that I have ever felt such compassion for a human being in my life. I know her troubles and I know her pain and I would give anything...anything, to take it from her and spare her from the life I know she will live if she continues walking this path. And so I tell her my story, my struggles and talk to her a lot a/b what I know is going on in her head. I'm pretty sure I even know her thoughts about what I'm saying to her, I'm sure I've had similar ones in the past. We talked about God and a/b being His daughter, about identity and about healing. We talked about satan and a/b the lies and in the end we prayed...I don't know if I have ever literally pleaded with God before...but I did tonight. Through sobs and tears I begged Him to take this from her - she's too young for this affliction Lord, too young. And yet there are so many just like her...it is terrifying to think about. It is something that I hope those reading this will never understand. It is something that I could never explain or make sense of. But it is a real disease, one that effects so many and yet is so often swept under the rug. It is real though, it is the real deal...it's the desire to look like this...

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Or maybe like this...

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And the one that chills my soul to the core...

Dear Lord....

I was utterly convinced tonight, probably around the time that I was broken and weeping for this girls soul, that in some way, in some form or fashion I will at some point in my life, be involved in mentoring young girls out of this wretched disease. How could I possibly ignore the things that the Lord has taught me in my 6 years of battle? It would be a fallacy on my part to ignore, pretend and deny. I realized tonight that even through my sometimes imperfect recovery I am still useful to God and I am still still capable of reaching these girls out of my pure compassion for what they are experiencing. In ways I feel that I may have been more blessed by tonights encounter than even the little girl was...definitely not what I was expecting, then again the Lord works in funny ways like that sometimes.

I don't know what happened in that little girls head and heart tonight, but I'm standing in faith that the Lord was and is at work there. I knew last night that He was involved in this, and I know that even if I never see her again, that He had a purpose for the encounter...even if only one thing I said to her tonight sticks - it was worth the time and the visit...of course I'll be continuing to pray for a miraculous healing and I hope you will be too...

Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come."--Matthew 24:42

God gives us no warning of when this will take place. He won't call us on the telephone to say that He's in the area and will drop by around 4 o'clock if that's convenient. We will not be given an opportunity to run around frantically trying to clean up our living space to make it appear acceptable to Him.
God wants us to be ready at any moment for His appearance. We need to live each day as if it was our last, and focus on the things that really matter--like developing a relationship with Him. The day will come when we will run out of opportunities to get our hearts right with God. While we still have time, we need to spend time with Him.

I have to confess...I am definitely guilty of thinking at times...I'll get it right tomorrow. Silly me, thinking that God somehow didn't see the failings of today. Those times when I cringe at the tone I have taken with a friend, or a co-worker, or when I've been less than loving or let's face it, just flat out rude to someone. The lies that I've told, the impatience I display, my lack of service or action for someone in need...turning the blind eye b/c I was in a hurry or having a personal pity party of some sort. Worse yet, the days that I worship my 'idols' over God, the days that I fail to worship Him at all, the days that I doubt. In all of it, there's always that quiet thought...'I'll get it right tomorrow'.

God sees today though, and it breaks His heart. Tomorrow will come with it's own shortcomings and more promises for the next day and what then? Every day filled with empty and unfulfilled intent...what if tomorrow doesn't come? What if I'm faced with Judgment tonight? I know that I am covered in the blood of Christ and my salvation is secure...but do I really want to stand before God to account for my countless unfulfilled promises and good intentions? How humbling and literally humiliating will it be?? Or do I want to be able to stand before Him and hear Him say 'well done good and faithful servant. You fought the good fight'. I am so grateful for the mercy that He has offered, allowing me to be secure in my salvation in spite of the shortcomings of my flesh...but I want to be more for Him, I want to make Him proud just as I desired to make my earthly father proud as a little girl. There was no greater feeling than seeing my fathers eyes after doing something that made his heart swell with pride. Even as a child, I knew my father well enough to know what pleased him, what made him happy, what would make him proud of me, and I strived to do those exact things. I want to see Gods eyes light up in the same way. How do I do that in relation to God? Well, I think it starts with something Miller talked a/b this week. Becoming nothing - just as Jesus did...emptying myself and becoming nothing except what my Father sees me as. Seeing only what He sees, doing only what I see Him do, saying only what I hear Him say...and that is only done by knowing Him and His ways so intimately that they become my own ways w/o second thought. I desire the gifts, the blessings and the authority I have been promised through Christ...but Lord, I desire the giver so much more. Please don't misread what I'm saying here - in no way can we 'earn' our Fathers love by acts and works - it is given just because we exist...just b/c he created us. Rather, I want to please and serve Him b/c He loves me so much. I want to make Him proud b/c of the mercy and grace he has offered. It is my response to what He has already freely given me. It is often said that we must give love in order to receive it and the Lord has given us more than we know what to do with...it's only fair that He should receive my love in return, in the form of obedience and righteous living.

No snow for me!

Well friends...the news is in. The job in Chicago that I have been so anxiously waiting to hear word on has officially been given to a very deserving gentleman who already lives in Illinoise - Whew!

While I spent a lot of time praying about what the Lord could possibly need me for in Chicago, I was really sweating the idea of going back north. Since I found out a/b the potential move I have spent a lot of hours thinking about how much I love my home. The thought of leaving my church home, my friends and this wonderful warm weather was a little more than I could bear!

I thank you all for your prayers! I am 100% confident that the Lord has worked this out exactly as it was meant to be. I was made for this place!!! I just wonder why it took me 20 years to get here! So for now, I think I shall spend the next few days basking in the warm sun and praising God for not making me leave :)

Blessings to all of you - I love you so very much and pray that you are receiving more of the Lords love and wisdom with every passing day!

An encounter with Jesus...

Leather sandals. Feet. The hem of a white robe...I can almost smell the leather - the vision is that real, I can almost see my tears falling on the feet as my face hovers over them. Hands. Nails. And again, the sandals. "Can you feel how much I love you child"? And the feeling came. I have never quite experienced the whirlwind of emotion that the Holy Spirit laid on me this evening. "Can you really love me this much, Lord? Really?" My heart is racing, my skin is on fire and I'm breaking into a sweat. My insides are screaming, I don't know what to do with myself. The emotion is so overwhelming I want to run, jump, something, anything , I can't sit still...and so I cry, it's all I know how to do, it's the only way to get it out. Again I ask, "Is it possible Lord? To love me this much"? He responds with more, and I sob...uncontrollably. I can feel, not see, but feel the eyes of the Lord gazing upon me and it is compassion that I find there. The compassion is so overwhelming that I begin to cry harder. So, undeserved. Again, His feet. His hands. The nails and the cross. "Why Lord? Why would you do this for me"? My gratitude for the love He is displaying results in more tears, more praise and this unquenchable desire to see the face of Jesus. It is a desire that brings forth despair. The desire to see his face is so pressing. I literally feel anguish in the process of seeking it. "I just want a glimpse Lord, just a glimpse...I want to wash your feet, I want to kiss your cheek, I want to feel your hands on my face". Tonight, I fell in love with Christ all over again. And maybe for the first time, I fell in love with a passion that only true lovers could possibly understand. A passion that burns and aches at the very core. The desire to be with Him, near Him, to see Him, so overwhelming all I can do is cry out.
No words to express it, no song to sing, just groans of gratitude and of sorrow. Sorrow for my sin that nailed him to the cross, and gratitude for His willingness to stay there, bearing the cup that His Father held before Him. For the first time I am utterly captivated by His love and mercy...I cannot see anything but his feet and I cannot think of anything but His precious name. Jesus...Jesus... "Don't die for me Lord, I'm not worth it. My sin. My shame". "Oh but you are. You and only you child. It was all for you". Dear God...precious Lord, forgive me.
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I have no idea what songs were sung tonight, what prayers were prayed, what message was taught. Honestly, I have no idea what went on for the hour or so that I experienced this. The Spirit came and gripped me by the back of the neck tonight, there was no escaping it. It may all sound a little cliche and somewhat corny, but for what it is worth - God is astounding...absolutely astounding and I stand in awe of Him.

Emersed In Him...

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins Colossions 1:13-14

For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ who is the head over every power and authority. Colossians 1:9

He is before all things and in him all things hold together...For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven. Colossions 1: 17 & 19

The other night we heard a little bit about how we are not to live beside Christ or behind Christ, but IN Christ - we are called to live in him, completely emersed in His totally perfect being. It is the only way we can be sure we are living in accordance with God and it is the easiest way to receive the peace and joy that accompanies an intimate relationship with God. While reading Colossians I had a small thought I felt worthy of sharing...

Colossians 1:19 says that God was pleased to have all of His fullness dwell in Christ...well...that's exactly where I want to be. If residing IN Christ means that I have access to the complete fullness of God Almighty then that's where I'm headed. It's amazing to think a/b how often we get stuck beside Christ or better yet at the foot of the Cross - not really stepping into the resurection and it's glory. How much power and freedom is available if we just get up from the cross, visit the tomb and celebrate the glory of His resurrection and then step into Him to experience the fullness of God. We step into Christ, we become a part of His being and that is why God no longer see us as we truly are, we are covered and enveloped in every sense of the word, in Christ and in His perfect holiness. We live in Him and He in us...what a safe place to be...

Take a fishbowl (I'm sure you were wondering what the picture had to do w/ anything) - the fish, while emersed in the water is safe from it's arch enemy (that would be the cat). Well, let's say the fish decides one day that he might enjoy life outside of the fishbowl more (the grass is always greener, eh?), so he starts jumping out of the water and eventually jumps out of the bowl. There he is, flopping around wondering what in the world happened and what he was thinking, completely exposed and at the mercy of the cat (his enemy). If he had only stayed emersed in the safety of his home and the very thing he was created for (the water and ultimately the fishbowl) he would have been kept safe and forever protected from any real harm the cat could have caused. Such a simple comparison, for it is just as we, who often determine that our own ways are so much better, would be so much safer if only we would keep ourselves emersed in the place we were created to reside...In Jesus Christ.

Philosophy 101

So, I'm taking a Philosophy class right now and I've got to say it's pretty much a beating. Fascinating yes...but picture me and Tyson going glove to glove in the boxing ring...it's that kind of beating. None the less, I was baffled to study some of the reasoning given by early philosophers around the existence of God. While they at first seem a little crazy - in a weird, I suppose, Philosophical sense...maybe not so crazy. Such as...

Eidological Argument: I have an idea of perfection (I know what "perfect" is in my mind). I have never experienced perfection in anything; therefore, the idea couldn't have come from me (you can't manifest an idea from something you have yet to experience). Only a perfect being could have caused the idea (an imperfect being could not create perfection). Therefore, a perfect being must exist.

Hmmm, or this one...(this one's good)

Ontological Argument: God is the greatest possible being. God exists at least in the mind or understanding (meaning we can think and conceive of God). A being who exists only in the mind is not as great as a being who exists in reality as well as in the mind. If God exists only in the mind, then He would not be the greatest possible being. Therefore, God must exist in reality as well as in the mind.

For as crazy as it all sounds - I suppose there is some round about truth to it all. When you start looking into our thought process and where it all comes from - the ideas and thoughts have to come from somewhere outside of ourselves, right? The problem is...men like Descartes (responsible for the 2 arguments above) attempt to explain a God greater than anything in this universe by our own ignorant standards and understanding. They try to box him up into this nice, neat little package that can be explained into existence when the reality of it is...you will never be able to explain God, He is just too great...I find it fascinating that there are men out there who have devoted their entire existence to figuring out the what and the why's of the world and of our role in it - when there is quite simply one answer...it's all for God's glory. Watching people try to explain God, reminds me of just how awesome He really is. I've been humbled this week to once again realize that absolutely nothing I do could ever effect the way God works. My salvation is not a product of my work, nor are the blessings that God bestows upon me. It is all orchestrated by Him in the ways that will best glorify Him in the end. For every single thing that happens in this life there is one consistent theme, it is to glorify God in some way at some point in time. I may not understand it now, but eventually I will and eventually the glory will come to pass for all to witness.

Too bad I wasn't around in the day of Descartes and Aristotle...I could have made it so much simpler for them...

Tyler...

Tyler...what a sweet and precious soul he is. My last trip to Ohio was a really special one for me as it involved a reunion that has been so many years overdue. For the first time in over 5 years I was able to see and spend time with my nephew Tyler. He lived with me for a little over a year before I moved to Texas, when he was 4, and he probably doesn't remember me now - but oh, how I remember him.

Tyler has caused me to question a lot of God's ways throughout the years. His life experiences don't make much sense to me and in all honesty, they have enraged me at times. At the age of 2, Tyler was beaten to the point of death (literally) by his own step father. He was punched, violently shaken and then thrown into a door by a man who is 6'5" and who is by far the biggest coward I have ever met. He actually died and was then revived while being life flighted to the hospital. He endured weeks in intensive care with a swollen brain, where his mere survival was in question. He survived several strokes in that time, any one of them with the ability to have taken his life. I can remember sitting with him during that time - he was so tiny - just a baby, staring at all the tubes that seemed to consume his little body...and asking 'why'? What had he done? He was such a good boy. Such a beautiful, loving boy. This was pre-salvation for me and I would have to imagine that having God to rely on in those times would have brought much more comfort. Needless to say, it was a time of question and confusion - of anger and sorrow. Watching him endure hours of painful physical therapy, at first unable to even lift his head, and then watching him learn to live all over again. The left side of his brain was said to have died due to the lack of oxygen and the numerous strokes he suffered. He initially had no use of his right side...it took him over a year to learn to walk again and even today he does so w/ a limp. It has been literally heart breaking to watch him and wonder what he thinks, if he understands, if he knows what might have been. Tyler would never be the same, he would never grow up, his future was now so limited, and so dim. The anger intensified with the non-action of our justice system - 6 months in the Brigg (Airforce Prison) for the man who stole this boys life - that's all it was worth to our government...6 months. The anger turned into disbelief when my sister opted to stay with this 'man' in light of her son's condition. Obviously there was plenty of red tape to get through with social services and it was a long road for her...it still is. Over the course of the next 3 years, somehow, they ended up living together again, with Tyler and her new baby. The reports of abuse started again, and finally after many bruises and a broken arm, Praise God, Tyler was removed permanently. He lived over a year in foster care, away from his siblings and anything he recognized as home before he was finally released into my parents care. How much does this little boy have to endure? And for what??

I have struggled with those questions so many times since this happened. After becoming a Christian obviously, I saw the need to forgive, and did so. The anger is no longer there, but the questions still haunt me at times. I have placed it into God's hands: He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he (Deut 32:4) I have found that it's not for me to understand but only to trust and believe that His ways are indeed just and perfect. In a place that I cannot see or comprehend, there was and is a purpose behind what happened and I can only trust that God sees it and is working it out for His Glory. Therefore, fix your eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Cor 4:18). I take comfort in knowing that I know so little about God's ways, it helps to trust in that.

While I visited with him, I was moved so many times at his ability to love without ceasing. He is just a little ball of love and he desires nothing more to give it away, not expecting anything in return, it's just what he does. I can't help but wonder, in a heavenly sense, where that comes from. Lord knows he wasn't raised to love, he wasn't taught to love, and yet he does it with such perfect selflessness - it is utterly amazing. I was blessed with the opportunity to talk to Tyler about God - I asked him if he knew who God was to which he responded, "God? Who's God?". I told him that God made him, and that God made me and Bubba (the dog - which, he seemed less willing to believe!) and that God loved him so very much. He laughed and smiled and went about his way - I wasn't sure that he understood me...honestly, how do you explain the greatness of God to a 10 year old with a 5 year old mind? I was brought to tears when he walked back to me a while later and asked with amazement in his eyes, in all of his precious, child-like innocence, "You know God?" to which I responded, 'Yes baby, I do - and He knows you'. We didn't get to talk about it anymore while I was there, but I have never been so touched sharing the gospel as I was in doing so with him. I'll probably never know if he understood or comprehended what I was telling him - but what I do know is that God saw, and that through the prayers I have raised up on Tyler's behalf, that He will be with him all of his days.

As for the question 'why'? I still don't know - I believe I may have witnessed some of the 'why' while I was there. My parents who are now caring for Tyler, displayed a tenderness I have never seen in all of my days. They are being showered with love every day - and they can't help but love back. Tylers presence in their lives, I believe, is teaching them love in it's most pure form. Something my parents could never express on their own. For the first time in 20 years, my father told me he loved me - and I believe for the first time, that he meant it. The LORD is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made (Psalm 145:17). How could I ever question such a perfect and Holy God? Tyler is living a life that most of us could only strive for - he loves others without reason and without expectation, without ulterior motives and with complete humility. He is not ashamed, nor afraid and he only requires love in return, nothing more. He is one of the most amazing people I know...enduring more in the first 10 years of his life than many of us ever will, and yet maintaining the joy and peace so many of us desire. The Dr's say that he'll never exceed an 8th grade mentality - I pray for more. The Dr's say he'll never regain the use of his right arm - I pray (and believe) that he will. I believe that he was wonderfully made by a loving God and that his 'purpose' is being revealed and recognized with every passing day. God doesn't make mistakes, this is fact - and even if this wasn't Gods active will, it was at the very least His permissive will and that is all I need to know to believe that He is working and moving and preparing the world for the wonderful things He has in store for this precious child.

Dear Lord...

I created this prayer for myself, to read aloud every morning - I started doing it this week and it has already been such a blessing to me - so I thought I'd share it here. There is so much power in the Word of God...in His promises and in His words of love and comfort. These are the promises He has made, the identity He has given each of us...for as different as we all are, and for all the ways in which we are unique, we all share a commonality that could never be denied or broken in that every one of us is the creation and child of God and an heir to His kingdom...we all share the exact same identity...

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. (Ps 139:1-3) For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! (Ps 139:13-17) Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting (Ps 139:23-24)

The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation (Ps 118:14). I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness (Is 61:10) He chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will (Eph 1:4-5). I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me (Gal 2:20). And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. For those God knew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son. And those he predestined, he also called: those he called he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified (Ro. 8:28-30)

I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all he earth (Ro 9:17)

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name...(3) who forgives all my sins and heals all of my diseases, who redeems my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion, who satisfies my desires with good things... (Ps 103:1-5). Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Ro 12:1-2) Don’t you know that you yourself are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you? (1 Cor 3:16). You are controlled not by your sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. (Ro 8:9). You did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of son ship...the Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are Gods children (Ro 8:15-16)

It is by grace you have been saved, through faith and not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works so that noone can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which, God prepared in advance for us to do. (Eph 2:8-10) Live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. (Eph 4:1-2) Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Eph4:31-32)

Finally be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against the flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything to stand. (Eph 6:10-13)

Create in me a pure heart, O God and renew a steadfast spirit within me (Ps 51:10) for if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! (2 Cor 5:17). Therefore, fix your eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Cor 4:18)

Peace (Part 2)

Tonight I was reading Romans and I came across something and felt that I needed to add something to my previous post.

In the last post I spoke a lot a/b how the peace of God comes at a price, which, I still beleive to be true, however, I want to clarify that in that context I am speaking a/b the feeling of daily peace, the actual mental and spiritual peace that we can 'feel' in our daily lives through trials and tribulation.

I would like to also state that there is a Peace with God that is free to all who are willing to accept it. Romans 5:1 says 'Therefore, since we have been justified through faith we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace which we now stand'. This peace speaks of the peace we gain with God upon our acceptance of Christ as our saviour. Colossians 1:21 'Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior' and Romans 5:10 'For if, when we were God's enemies we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!' The bible tells us numerous times that we are born into this world in a sinful state, instantly at war with God. We are literally his enemies until we accept receive the ultimate sacrafice and covering of His Son - it is then that the war with God can end and we enter into a new relationship with Him. A relationship of harmony and friendship and of perfect peace. Once we have received this core peace with God, it is then that we can learn to experience the literal feeling of daily peace offered by knowing Him more intimately.

Just wanted to tack that on for anyone who's keeping up with the posts :)

Peace...

The peace of the Lord...it doesn't come free. There is a price that comes with obtaining God's peace. It is the price of obedience, of service and humility, of persecution, humiliation, temptation and perseverance. The trials that come, the refining, the conviction the spiritual burdens and the warfare. God promises us peace and joy, but He never said that they were free. There is definitely a premise that precedes that promise. The peace of God is always there, dwelling in us and around us - we must be near enough to feel it though. I envision a camp fire burning bright. The warmth of that fire is always there...it doesn't waver, or cease or change temperature, rather, it is our proximity to that fire that makes us feel warm or cold. The closer we draw near the more warmth and comfort we'll receive from the flames. We have to press into God in order to receive the peace that he promises. It never waivers or fades, it is us who get distracted and drift away. Eventually we realize that it suddenly got a little chilly and it drives us to again seek out that fire that we know will provide our comfort and warmth. The peace of God is with us...our peace does not come by empty actions of worship and praise, it does not come from the affirmation of others, nor by perfection and order -- in the middle of the most ferocious sea, in the midst of chaos, we can be filled with His peace IF we are there according to His will and not our own. Just as Jesus calmed the raging sea without so much as a flinch, we are capable of the same in our lives, if we are walking as Jesus did, with complete reliance on our heavenly Father.

How do we (and more-so I) find complete reliance on God? In finding my identity there first. 'Whatever makes me valuable, I will pursue until death' - If I can find my true worth and value in Christ - I will pursue Him until death...if it is something else, it will be a vain pursuit that will ultimately lead to the death of my body and my spirit. It starts with finding truth in God's Word rather than in life experience. What the world tells me is rarely truth, rather all truth is found in His Word...that's why knowing it is so important. I'm reminded of our Fall retreat - the speaker spoke about being made in God's image. When God creates something, He makes it out of something that will sustain it, something it will depend on and return to. A tree is birthed from the seed of another tree, an animal birthed from an animal of its own kind. When God made man, He spoke to Himself - He intended to be our supply, our sustainer and for us to return to Him...the TRUTH is that I am made in God's image, of Him and by Him - perfect in His sight. Acceptance of that one core truth is the key to finding true identity, true peace and joy and to understanding our true strength in Christ.

So, I guess the question is...how close are we getting to the flame? Are we walking the outskirts of camp? Seeing the light but not receiving the benefits of its comfort and warmth? I think that's where I've been...I want to step into the fire pit...I want to be so near that it burns my face and warms me to the core. I want to get that close...