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Yeah, my thoughts exactly. Even now, nothing adequate is coming to mind. This was certainly a question that I wasn't expecting to be faced with ever, let alone when I woke up this morning. What a terrifying moment. If your 12, you're not afraid of dying, and you don't really know Jesus, then what do you fear? Well, if you happen to be a 12 year old anorexic you fear gaining weight. Yes, even more than death itself. Oh buddy, you better believe I was searching the Spirit for an answer to that one..
Yadira called today...it was a bad day...she's so tired...they're admitting her to the hospital tomorrow. It was all I needed to hear. I cancelled plans and went to pick her up. For almost 3 hours we walked and talked and it is so incredibly hard to bear it at times...I know her pain, I know her anxiety and I surely know her sense of hopelessness. I bite my tounge so many times fighting the urge to utter many of the cliche statements that so many do, I know how they are receieved, and I know they are ineffective. Just listen...just listen. I had to keep reminding myself...she just needs to unload on someone that isn't going to get angry at her, or punish her. It is such a challenge though, her thoughts were once my own and while it's a blessing that I can understand - it's a curse because I know the chaos in her head and I also know that there are no words to make it better. I can only encourage, speak truth and pray for her.
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I want so badly for her to understand who Christ is, what He did, what that means for her. To me, it is the only solution to the problem. I honestly don't understand how anyone overcomes the illness without crawling to the Cross. Without Him...there is no hope and there is no reason to get better. Christ gives a purpose and then suddenly there's a real reason to recover. This is where I start to feel inadequate - I'm not sure how to teach a child a/b God, about the blood of Christ. I wasn't a Christian at 12, I don't know what that sounds like to her, I don't know how much she can comprehend at that age. So I guess this is where I end and the Spirit takes complete control because I got nothin'. After I dropped her off and attempted to talk to her dad (who doesn't really speak english) I drove home replaying the conversation in my mind. Should I have said this? Should I have told her that? What can I do to make this go away? It's funny that I caught myself asking those questions, I should know better. There's no magic word, no perfect statement, because I can't fix this. There's only One who can. In that moment of realization it was like a rock was lifted off my shoulders, I let out a breathe (I hadn't even realized that I'd been holding it) and sent it on up to God. I don't have answers, but she doesn't need my answers - she just wants my time, my company and an ear, all of which I can give w/o much effort. My part is easy here, just invest time and a good set of ears and then pray for God to do the rest. Yadira of course has a huge part in this as well...it starts with wanting it and I'm not sure she's fully there yet. She will be soon though, I can see it in her eyes. She's getting tired, she's getting frustrated and the comfort it once brought her seems to be long forgotten.
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I sincerely petition your prayers on this one...this disease at her age is so hard to break through. It will have to be the hand of God that moves here. Let it be through me Lord...I am here and willing...please send me Lord and then show me how.
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It has most definitely been an interesting weekend. In 3 days, my heart has broken, my flesh has grieved, the Lord has spoken to me in so many ways and today, He once again showed me the very reason I have fought these battles in my life . His ways are not my own and with every passing day I'm seeing that that's most definitely a good thing. Can I get an Amen people??
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