The question of the night...would God break my heart into a million little pieces to show me how to love Him more? As difficult as it is for me to accept it...I think that He would, and I think that He is. Swallowing this lump in my throat, I can only sit here in a state of confusion and say to my Lord - show me...because I don't understand, I just don't understand. I've often said and believed that obedience can be painful, but I've never experienced it on this level - never. It is a desperate feeling, one which cannot be remedied by any earthly means. My flesh is dying a very slow and painful death right now...who would have thought it could hurt this bad? I know I didn't. Prayers for peace seem to be answered by more anxiety, more questions, more doubt, more pain...and yet I'm sure that it probably has more to do with my inability to receive it right now that it does with God not answering. The enemy is crafty, I've always known that - I can hear the lies one by one as they are fired into my thoughts like missels in a military attack. And one by one I recognize and rebuke them...thank God I can recognize them now though, I haven't always been so lucky..
Lord, your ways are such a mystery to me, I can't pretend to have a clue about what You're doing here...but please work quickly and send a wind of your peace soon. I feel paralyzed Lord...unable to move, unable to speak until you show me where to go and what to say. Just give me a glimmer of understanding, just something to get me through until tomorrow, and then a little more would be greatly appreciated...
Until then, I'll just sit and wait and trust. Your ways are not my own, and so I'll pursuit a child like faith in You, one that doesn't fear and one that doesn't doubt or question. A faith that welcomes what You bring, knowing that it is You that brings it and that it must be for Your glory...
This chorus has been running through my head all day today...it's my meditation right now...it is such a dangerous prayer, but a holy one and I'm sure so pleasing to the Lords ears...
Bring me joy bring me peace
bring the chance to be free,
bring me anything that brings you glory
and I know there'll be days
when this life brings me pain
but if that's what it takes to praise you
Jesus bring the rain.
2 comments:
Thank you for your prayers and the scripture, it is very encouraging. I have been thinking about Job all day...a book near and dear to my heart, what a man of faith...it may be time to revisit good old Job, although, I would not for a moment claim my struggles to be nearly as painful as his, that could be a lesson in itself. Thank you again and bless you.
Interesting that ginsing would qoute scripture from Leviticus as that book is all about obedience. Def check the book out.
We do not always know what is right, what is just, or what is even fair. We often agonize over decisions with moral overtones. His perfect knowledge precludes any uncertainty on what is right and wrong. Sometimes even when we know what is right there is a reluctance on our part to act. The right action may involve sacrifice, which you are expierencing. Just know that God never vacillates. He always does what is just and right without the slightest hesitation. It is impossible in the very nature of God for Him to do otherwise.
As I said to you so many times Lisa..He's not calling you to this just to see if you'll do it..there is a reason behind it..and although the end result cannot be seen just yet, just know it's going to be so beautiful..He loves you that much.
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