Mom & Dad...

Mom & Dad,

So many years gone by. So many memories, so many hurts and so many open wounds. It's been a lifetime for me, and what must feel like a life time for you both. The ups and downs and trials of life...how they can leave a soul beaten and battered like a ragdoll in the mouth of a dog. My spirit has wrestled over you in such painful ways over the course of the past weeks. It is a frustration and a sorrow I have not known for many years. Mostly because I have chosen to bury it...deeper and deeper with every passing day, month and year. You have taught me well how to avoid, how to pretend and how to push away. You have taught me so well that even in my attempts to see truth, I can only see the facade I have built in my own mind. In years past I have built up such a hardness for you. A hardness that eventually, so deceptively, disguised itself as forgiveness and peace with our past...what I thought to be rest and acceptance has proven to be anything but. This past week has shown me this much. I have experienced a flood of emotion, most of which I cannot process quickly enough, most of which is tearing open the wounds I thought were so nicely bandaged and healed only to expose a hideous infection desperately in need of medical attention. I myself am terrified of what you have stirred in me, partially because I hate it and partially because I don't understand it. I am not the girl you raised, I am not the girl you thought you knew and I'm definitely not the girl you think you know now. Since we've parted ways, I have discovered and desperately sought after a new identity. One which is not rooted in the lie of love you have shown me, but one that is rooted in a never ending, unconditional love from a true Father that created every hair on my head, ever inch of my being. You have heard whispers of this new creation in me, and you reject it with passion...why? Does what I am becoming frighten you? Is it uncomfortable? Good - it should be...

As our time together began I must confess I ran straight into a wall of negativity, bitterness, anger, frustration and the list goes on. Every day I was just baffled at why they wanted to come here - why is this happening, this is the last thing I need right now...I talked with friends about the meaning of honoring our parents. Obviously important enough for God to place in the midst of His 10 Holy Commandments and interestingly enough, the only one given as a premise with a direct promise to follow. It was hard, I fought it, I justified my feelings, made excuses - got angry that I had to even contemplate honoring them...I knew I should and yet there was just this part of me that was in utter defiance of the thought.

The time went on and by Tuesday I was at my witts end - I just wanted it to be over so I could forget it ever happened...I drug myself to church, so dry, so empty. I nearly collapsed on the floor when I got there, every muscle desperate for just a mere few moments of rest in the Lords presence. I wept for the first time since my parents arrived - the tears that had so nearly surfaced 100 times, finally broke through the dam and they would not stop...grief for my parents, for their souls, for their hearts, for our relationship, for my confusion, for my frustration - all of it...I prayed for the Lord to see my tears - to please show me something...I trust You Lord - and I am so desperate for Your words!

After worship, I almost left a dozen times - just wanted to go to bed, I felt a little peace and I figured that was the extent of it. It was a night of testimonies - great - definitely not in the mood for this...I didn't move though. As many rose to give praise to God's glory in their life, I sat in the back talking to God, telling Him that I know He's done glorious things in my life, but I just couldn't get up there tonight - my face was swollen, makeup and hair in disray, and my words are lifeless. And yet, as I sat in the back the conviction fell on me like a bag of bricks. "Praise Him!"
Oh Lord, I thought, of course I praise You - in all circumstances. "Praise Him. Right now." Oh jeeze, Lord - not now...not here...and as so many of you have probably experienced - the heart rate rises, the temperature goes up about 10 degrees and the lies rush in like a flood - nobody wants to hear this, it's not even really a joyful, engergetic praise, it's not even finished, what in the world would I even say? People won't care a/b this. And even as the thoughts came, my feet moved - to the front, towards that darn microphone. As I took it, I couldn't even stand, I sat on the stage - staring at my feet - and I told them about what the Lord was doing, a broken relationship, the way the Lord has brought my parents to my home for the first time in six years, not by my request, and honestly...I can't tell you why, other than that He brought them. I talked briefly about the emotions being stirred - my sorrow, and frustration, confusion - and then I praised Him for it all - I told them that I felt the Lord tell me healing layed in my willingness to praise Him in front of them and that they were witnessing a testimony in progress...
Nothing profound by any means - I walked away thinking 'well Lord, there ya go, that's all I got'. Afterwards, He showed me once again that I know nothing. The flood of people that approached me to request prayers for similar situations was overwhelming - and with every prayer I prayed over others, my own healing came. I didn't leave church until after 11 that night - and when I got home, I was a different person. From that night forward things were just...different. I felt my heart changing for my parents. For the first time, maybe ever, I felt sincere and true love for them. It was still challenging at times, but it was no longer excruciating. Through different events, I saw my dad's love for me, things I had never known, things I had never realized were brought forward and I was shown that he does love me. I'm not a dissapointment or unwanted...he really does love me. And God asked me one night, 'will you finally believe that I love you? Even more than that?'

I can't fully understand or explain why this relationship with my father has such an impact on everything within me...but I actually started to feel different, acceptable, worthy, dare I say, confident that I am enough...that who I am, is okay. It's a healing in progress, a reconciliation in progress, and I'm okay with that because I know it's going to be okay, that it already is okay. And now the praises come freely and with great exclamation. I sat the other night, wondering if God goes through such great lengths for all of His children, and of course He does. It's beyond my comprehension that He could love each of us so much. But I know that He does and with every passing day, my heart is beginning to know it as well.